Running forward

I woke up one morning. It was late January. It felt like I’ve been asleep for an eternity. The room was dark and I didn’t know the exact time. I wasn’t sure if I fall asleep and start dreaming or if I just woke up from a nightmare. I turned the light on and the light blue light lit the room. The room wasn’t a mess. It was almost vacant except for a few bothersome details. My diary with just one word in it: ‘’FORGET’’, a few small boxes with some food in them and photo of a girl standing in the middle of nowhere, alone. I guess that this girl is me, but I can’t recall it. All I can remember is that I had this thought about killing myself for a very long time now and I also tried a couple of times but always failed. I once jumped into a stream thinking it was a deep river and ended up with 5 stitches on my arm and a broken finger. I'm glad both my legs were intact. I tried the pills once but I mixed the bottles and ended up in the hospital, again, with diarrhea for a couple of days. I don't know why, but every time I try to kill myself, I get injured or embarrassed, and I end up alive and not very healthy. But the thought of ending my life never left me. I don't know why I've been depressed lately. Maybe because I see happiness all around me but I can't feel it. I feel like I'm underwater. I can't hear the people around me well, nor can I see. If I open my eyes, I will start crying from the salt but if I keep them closed I will not see where I am going. So I don’t know if it is better living a comfortable life in the dark or being in the light side of life but with bittersweet in your mouth. I don’t remember the day I start to feel miserable, was it when I lost memories about my past life or it was even before that. I am not sure I want to remember it. If my past life is a reason for my torment, ache, and suffering I truly don’t want to know. I have no idea what I want, but I do want something which is the worst kind of wanting. I guess I want to find things about myself, like my favorite color or food, because I don’t even remember the small details about me. Why did I lose myself? When did that happen and how? I am in a strange state of mind right now. I want to do a lot of things but somehow I find myself doing nothing at all. I don’t know whether to go left where everything is gone, where nothing is left, or right where nothing is right. It feels like I am in the rupture between two worlds. I am afraid that if I move to one side or the other everything may fall apart. So what should I do? Do something and maybe lost everything or do nothing and stay miserable? How can emptiness be so heavy? There is no sadness or sorrow, nor happiness inside me. I am not sure when I stopped feeling and believing. My soul is a huge black hole. I lost a path I was following and now I don’t even feel lost, I feel nothing. I am not sure was it always like this. Can’t remember the time when I wasn’t broken. It’s okay to crumble from time to time, but I crumble all the time. Guess, I am used to it. The worst thing is that I don’t even remember my dreams and hopes. I don’t even have a favorite song or movie. Did I stop dreaming or my dreams died? I lost myself completely and the scariest part is I don’t even care. I will need to find a new me. I get up from the floor because I still don't have a bed or any other furniture in the apartment. I sleep on a rubber mattress that blew through the night and I end up on the floor. I think I'm hungry. I'll take something from one of the boxes on the floor. Food seems to be stale but at the moment I don’t have a better option because I don’t even have a dollar in my wallet. After paying my bills and rent I end up with nothing. I looked at the photo I had and I saw this girl smiling and the best part is that she was looking like she is happy. If this girl is me then I guess there is still hope. She had big black eyes with few wrinkles at the ends of the eye. Her cheeks were red and taut and she looks like her face is going to explode because of her happiness. The nature around her was mesmerizing, but it brings sorrow and uneasiness to my soul. The innocent beauty of the trees in the background filled my chest with a strange pain. My gaze wanders to the infinity of this nature. The sky was resting on the tops of the nearby mountains. The river was so clear you could see your reflection. It is blue-green and appears to merge with the surrounding trees. I want to visit this place. The thought of killing myself cross my mind again. I need someone who will save me from myself, from my thoughts. Someone who will say that everything is going to be okay, that it is time to forgive myself and accept the new me. I don’t have to be the same person I was years ago and I also don’t have to want the same things. Above all else, it is time to believe in me and that I am worthy of love and happiness. It is time to start something new, I want to stop running from everything, I want to find something to run forward.