67 comments

Adventure Creative Nonfiction Drama

My best friend wants to die. It is very important as I tell you my story that you know two things: the first is the story is absolutely true and the second is I have no idea what to do. I guess it’s also important you know there are so many things that could have happened differently and if they had I would not be able to tell this story.


Young men, oftentimes, make big decisions for insignificant reasons. One such instance happened when I decided to join the military in 1988. I joined the Army but I could just have easily joined the Marines. I probably joined the army for no better reason than A came before M in the phone book. If M came before A I would not have this story to tell. 


Although I committed to the Army in September of 1988, I actually joined under a plan called the delayed entry program which pushed my actual enlistment date to the end of February, 1989. If I had not used the delayed entry option everything would have been different and I would not have this story to tell.  


Basic training sucks. You are called awful things. You are forced to do awful things and you have no control over your life. Infantry soldiers get this abuse for fourteen weeks. If you are a cook, or x-ray tech, or any other job the army offers you spend eight weeks in basic training then you get two weeks leave and you head to AIT, Advanced Individual Training. Not infantry soldiers, we get a three day pass after eight weeks then go back to the same degrading routine. I tell you this not for sympathy but because it is critical that you understand how this affects a infantry recruit’s decision making process. We crave free time: it is like air to a drowning man: it’s everything.


During infantry basic training there are a few times you are allowed to feel normal. These times come in the form of passes. Most are only for a few hours and confine you to post. While on these breaks you invariably run into other soldiers in the midst of basic training and to a man you all ask the exact same thing.  


“What week are you in?”


This question is critical because if they are in a later week they can tell your future. You pick their brains for every detail of what is to come and, if the reverse is true, they grill you.  


Unlike most basic training classes I had an extra opportunity for freedom and it was the best kind of freedom, off-base freedom. The local minor league baseball team, The Columbus Mudcats, had a military appreciation night and all uniformed soldiers were to be admitted free. Someone way above my pay grade decided all of the soldiers in basic training would be offered the chance to go to the game, unsupervised. Almost everyone did; I did. If the club hadn’t offered, if the Army hadn't allowed, or if I had rejected the offer I would not have this story to tell.  


I don’t remember much about the game. I don’t know what the stadium looked like or who won. None of that information was important enough to commit to memory. What I do remember was an incident that happened in the concession line. Because of the large number of soldiers present, the lines for refreshments were impossibly long. I didn’t care, I wanted a hot dog and a coke and in reality I couldn’t have cared less about the actual game so I took my place in line and waited my turn. Shortly after I entered the line a soldier came up and stood behind me. He had the Arctic Star, a black six point, on his shoulder signifying he was 6th Infantry, bound for Alaska. I had the same patch on my shoulder and the same ultimate destination. Neither of us knew which of the three Alaska forts would become our Army home but we both knew, regardless of which one, it would be frigid. We didn’t need an excuse to start up a conversation but the commonality made sure we did. 


He was four weeks behind me so the conversation consisted of him asking questions about what to expect and me doing my best to give him the glimpse he so desperately desired. Our talk lasted until I reached the front of the line and with my hot dog and coke in hand I wished him well and said maybe we’ll see each other in Alaska and with that I went back to my seat. If I had not wanted a hot dog, if I had gone to a different concession stand, if I had gone during a different inning I would not have this story to tell.


The real Army is only a little like basic training. You are not degraded, you are trained and you do your job. Every day just before you are released you have a squad or platoon meeting to go over the next day's plans and then you are released for the evening.  


Four weeks after I got to Alaska a new set of recruits joined my outfit. Two of those recruits were assigned to my platoon and joined us at our nightly meeting. One of these new recruits, who looked vaguely familiar, kept looking at me to the point it became uncomfortable. I’m as open minded as the next guy but I don’t like to be ogled by other men and he seemed to be doing just that. 


When the meeting was finally over and we were released to go home he walked over to me and said “You look just like...” He didn’t have time to finish his statement when I shouted, “You were the guy!” He was the soldier behind me at the ball game and not only did he end up at the same base and in the same battalion, he was in my company, my platoon, and my squad. On top of that, less than a week later we were assigned as roommates and became instant and lifelong friends.


The Army is a unique way to live your life especially when it comes to making friends. To say you put your life in each other's hands is not an exaggeration. This was especially true for Jason and I. I carried an M60 machine gun and he was my assistant gunner. The machine gun is a crew served weapon and the crew is supposed to include an ammo bearer. We didn’t have one, we split the ammo between us and prided ourselves in our ability to take the extra weight. Jason really got the worst of it though, I am stocky and built to carry a load. Jason was tall and thin but he took his fair share and at times more.  


In 1991 I was selected to represent my unit in the soldier of the month competition and Jason wasn’t going to allow me to lose. He spent every day quizzing me on the questions the military board might ask. By the time the competitions started he had me answering Jeopardy style, he would give the answer and I had to tell him the question. Well it worked, I won every level from company soldier of the month up to The United States Army Pacific Command Soldier of the year. The funny thing was I never had to tell anyone about what I had done because Jason always beat me to it. He didn’t have a hint of jealousy and reveled in my accomplishments more than I did. He taught me what a friend was, a lesson that still sticks with me to this day.  


I was the best man at his wedding and am the Godfather to his oldest son and we were each other's sympathetic ear. He and I came up with a phrase that we would do as a call and response whenever anything at work or in life was beating us down. One of us would say, “It’s only time.” and the other would immediately respond, “And time passes.”


I wish I could say we kept in close contact ever since but remember, this was in the days before social media so there were long stretches where we wouldn’t talk, but each time we did it seemed, unlike our mantra, time hadn’t passed.


Now it’s 2020, we’ve been friends for 31 years. He’s been married twice, divorced once, and widowed. He lives in Washington State and I live in Virginia. There were fifteen years where we lost touch but during that time if anyone ever asked me who my best friend was, the answer would always be “This guy named Jason.” 


 We’ve both had our ups and downs but his have mostly been downs. I got out after four years. He went to Iraq. I built a life of which I’m proud. He was a sniper and good at his job. I am the one friend who never asked what it was like to kill someone but I know he has and he is not the same as he was. He has battled addiction to pills and alcohol and he blames himself for his wife’s death. I talk to him almost every day but most days he doesn’t remember our talks. I tell him he is the best man I know, because he is, and for a few minutes he seems to feel better but it doesn’t last. For the last few weeks he has been telling me he doesn’t want to be here anymore. How am I supposed to handle that? He is my best friend and he wants to die.  


So many times in my story I could have done something different. So many times fate could have stepped in and changed my path. If any of those things had happened I would not have this story to tell. I would not have this weight on my shoulders. I would not be afraid when my phone rings. My best friend wants to die and I don’t know what to do but I do know I wouldn’t change a thing because he is my best friend and that is all that matters. 



August 27, 2020 16:31

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67 comments

Zilla Babbitt
13:18 Aug 30, 2020

Well, if this is true, good job at sharing it. I like the ending lines quite a bit. If this were my piece, I'd tweak it a bit to show the degrading routine and subsequent hope for free time rather than telling it as an introduction. Stay strong, Thom. Keep writing!

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Thom With An H
14:19 Aug 30, 2020

Hey there, thanks for reading. It is 100% true which made writing it hard and easy at the same time. Once again good advice. I promise I’m not ignoring it, I just am not very good at showing. Not yet, hopefully soon.

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Zilla Babbitt
14:41 Aug 30, 2020

You're welcome! I get it, hard and easy at the same time. My story "William" is like that. And showing comes with practice! :)

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20:52 Aug 31, 2020

First off, I am so sorry for your struggles. I can't imagine having to deal with that. My best friend is like my sister, and I wouldn't be able to handle it. The fact that you are able to share this is inspiring. And this story also sends an amazing message. Your writing style, in general, is beautiful, but this is the best I have ever read. Ever. The first line immediately broke my heart. Your friend is very lucky to have you in his life. I hope both of you make it through.

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Thom With An H
21:04 Aug 31, 2020

So much thanks for your good wishes. Most importantly he is doing better. We both know it's day by day but he's having a run of good days. Also thank you for the kind words. I love to write but more so I love to be read and comments like yours are why. Thank you!!

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21:15 Aug 31, 2020

That makes me so glad to hear. You're welcome!

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Jonathan Blaauw
17:43 Aug 31, 2020

This is ground control to Major Thom... Didn't the earlier version of this story have something about you being a Giants supporter? It's okay, we all have shameful secrets 🤣 Okay, sorry, I'm done. I do have a new story when you get a moment. I enjoy your comments so much, so your opinion, as long as its honest, is always appreciated. No rush though. Thanks. Ground control, over and out.

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Thom With An H
17:51 Aug 31, 2020

Hi my name is Thom and I'm a Giants fan. It was very hard for me to say that. :-) I will of course check out your latest. Your stories are must see appointment kind of good. I may not have good judgement when it comes to football but I know great writing when I see it. :-)

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Kristin Neubauer
19:32 Aug 28, 2020

This is a heartbreaking story, Thom....your friend is lucky that you are in his life. I have a similar friend who is ex-British Special Forces and wracked by much of what you describe. He's actually inspired me toward career change. I'm a journalist now but in grad school for social work with the aim of working with veterans. Do you mind my asking where you live in Virginia? I'm in Alexandria. And, of course, the writing in your story is so powerful. The repetition of "I would not have this story to tell" gives such a rhythm to it. I c...

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Thom With An H
19:48 Aug 28, 2020

Thank you so much. This was an incredibly difficult story to write but paradoxically it was also easy because I didn't have to think I just told my story. I am south of you near Fredericksburg although for a time I worked in Falls Church so we've probably driven some common roads. I am inspired by your decision to change careers. Make no mistake I know journalists can make a difference but social workers are doing God's work. Thank you and thank you.

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Kristin Neubauer
21:14 Aug 28, 2020

I'm sure your friend has investigated everything possible out there to help, but I saw this story about a year ago on 60 Minutes and it has some interesting research behind it: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/sgb-a-possible-breakthrough-treatment-for-ptsd-60-minutes-2019-06-16/. I hope your friend finds some relief at times.

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Thom With An H
21:22 Aug 28, 2020

Thank you. I actually shared the story with him so he is following the comments. I know he is grateful for the well wishes.

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Elle Clark
17:56 Aug 28, 2020

I think the first and obvious thing that has to be said after reading a story is that I’m really sorry that this is the thing that you’re struggling with the moment. You say at the beginning of this is absolutely true and I am taking that as reality rather than a literary device. I feel that it’s probably not a literary device though because of the raw power of the emotions. I have some experience with both suicidal friends and friends who have been successful in that and my heart goes out to you. You have, of course, asked for my feedb...

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Thom With An H
18:33 Aug 28, 2020

I am so grateful for your compassion and concern. I promise you every word of this story is the unvarnished truth. In a funny way it made a very hard story to write an easy story to write because I didn't have to use my imagination only my memory. For you and anyone who takes the time to read this feedback, my friend has had four good days in a row and, fingers crossed, may have turned a corner. Last night I read him my story and we both cried, like well like best friends. Both he and I know he's not out of the woods but considering whe...

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Elle Clark
18:55 Aug 28, 2020

Four good days in a row is such good news! Sometimes things that don’t sound that much to people not dealing with things like this are everything in reality. I can honestly relate to the sheer relief and joy of having that much time off from an immediate, crushing crisis mode and so I am so happy for you both. I wish I had some advice that would improve the situation for either of you but my advice largely runs along the lines of: keeping telling him how much you love him. Other than that, there’s nothing that makes anything easier or better...

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Thom With An H
19:06 Aug 28, 2020

It's the perfect amount of assistance. As hard as this might be to believe, I've actually cut out a lot of the background that was in my original work. You are of course right, I am, as we speak, trying to think of specific events I could add to give a more complete picture of the evolution of our friendship. I have a feeling this story will be edited and added to quite a lot even after the deadline to do so on Reedsy passes. I'm hoping one day I can change the title and the ending. That is the story I really want to tell. Once again, ...

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Elle Clark
19:17 Aug 28, 2020

If you do, make sure you let me know - I would love to read it. And a story where you can use a different title and ending would be even better.

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Thom With An H
20:30 Aug 28, 2020

Ok you asked for it. Is this any better? I haven't posted it yet. My best friend wants to die. It is very important as I tell you my story that you know two things: the first is the story is absolutely true and the second is I have no idea what to do. I guess it’s also important you know there are so many things that could have happened differently and if they had I would not be able to tell this story. Young men, oftentimes, make big decisions for insignificant reasons. One such instance happened when I decided to join the military ...

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Christina Hall
17:48 Aug 27, 2020

Great writing, again. There were a couple parts that I really liked: 1) where he tells his friend he's the best man he knows, and it helps, but it never lasts, and 2) in the last paragraph, from where you start, "I would not have this weight on my shoulders" and continuing to the end. I don't know if you've been through this, but trust me, you really hit the mark with these two pieces of your story.

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Thom With An H
17:57 Aug 27, 2020

Thank you for taking the time to read. This is a true story that’s still unfolding. Yesterday was a good day. I hope today will be as well.

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Christina Hall
19:36 Aug 27, 2020

I'm sorry to hear that, I hope your friend is able to reach out for the help he needs and find some hope for a better road ahead. Take care of yourself. What he's living through is terrible, but its hard for you to.

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Thom With An H
19:41 Aug 27, 2020

Thanks.

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Pamela Saunders
18:46 Aug 30, 2020

Hi Thom and Jason, first I just want to say I am glad you've been having more good days lately and I hope you have many many more to come. re the writing, Thom, the title drew me in as I have been where Jason is but for different reasons. Even now, some days feel extra hard and I am battling my mind's wanting to give up. I wanted to see if this story helped me to see more of what this meant to someone on the other side, who cares about me. Because for me that is a powerful incentive to keep on living. I am glad Jason has a friend like you t...

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Thom With An H
19:07 Aug 30, 2020

I don’t know if there enough kind words to use to thank you for this response. I wrote this as a way to help myself by putting my thoughts down on virtual paper and it worked in a way I hadn’t anticipated through the supportive thoughts of the people who have read it. I definitely don’t want to take credit for the string of good days Jason is having as they started before I shared this story with him but he did say this will be one more tool to help him on the bad days and you’re response gives me hope it may even help others. Thanks so much...

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Pamela Saunders
19:12 Aug 30, 2020

You are so welcome, and I'm really glad you find my words helpful :)

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Ru B
18:23 Aug 30, 2020

Very powerful story and well written! Your friendship is inspiring and something that most of us strive to have in our lives, typically unsuccessful I can't help but think. It was probably not easy but I'm sure it means a lot to the both of you to share this story.

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Thom With An H
19:08 Aug 30, 2020

It does and thank you for your encouraging words.

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Lori Colt
03:20 Aug 30, 2020

This is a gorgeous story of friendship with its struggles, sorrows, and connections. I think you did a wonderful job of building this from the ground up, telling your story in an interesting way, and putting a pit right in the middle of my heart. Stories that stir emotions are my favorite kind. Terrific job! And if it really is true, my heart goes out to Jason, I can only imagine what he is feeling.

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Thom With An H
03:24 Aug 30, 2020

Thank you so much. He is real and I took a chance and sent him a link to the story. He’s been touched by the responses and he is having a run of good days. Thank you again for your time and concern. It means a lot.

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Lori Colt
03:50 Aug 30, 2020

Beautiful! Glad to hear that!

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Tanja Cilia
03:09 Aug 30, 2020

'I would not have this story to tell.' This is a beautiful refrain, because it is what lies beneath each thought, each link, each pent-up emotion, in this story. I, too, have had friends who told me they didn't want to be here any more... and some of them aren't. Whether or not Jason exists, he does.

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Thom With An H
03:14 Aug 30, 2020

Thanks so much for the heartfelt response. He is real and he’s on a streak of good days. I hope I can eventually rewrite this story with a different title and different ending.

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Tanja Cilia
09:14 Aug 30, 2020

You do all you can, and you are in the right place at the right time. When someone tells you "I am tired, I want to go..." there is nothing much you can do, except be there.

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Jonathan Blaauw
16:04 Aug 28, 2020

Thom, this is brilliant! The new category feature helps because the reader knows the genre beforehand, but even without 'creative non-fiction' it would've been clear this is a story based on personal experience. And because of that, it must have been very tough to write. That took courage! And, on a purely technical level, this is top-class. The tone of regret comes through from the start, and repeating how things could've been different is very powerful - it shows you've recognised the emotions you've wanted to convey and managed to highlig...

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Thom With An H
16:21 Aug 28, 2020

Not being a famous, wealthy, award winning writer I have no idea how those who are decide whom to thank when they win said awards. I do think if I ever accomplish that goal you just might be on my list. If you are it will be for two reasons: the first being the invaluable encouragement you give. A lot of times I hear, "great story, can you read mine." I'm never even sure if they actually read my story. You on the other hand take the time to praise specific parts and even give me constructive criticism so gently provided it still feels l...

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Thom With An H
21:01 Aug 28, 2020

Ok I am about to go above and beyond in my request. Based on feedback from Laura Clark I updated the story removing some of my back story and adding some 100% true friend stories. Can you give me a second look at a single story? I'll owe you one. :-)

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Elle Clark
21:05 Aug 28, 2020

Love this!

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Jonathan Blaauw
06:39 Aug 29, 2020

Oh, hi Laura. Fancy bumping into you here 😊 Thom, it’s always a pleasure to read stories and more so to reread after changes – the learning value is high when that happens. I shall do so at once.

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Jane Andrews
19:59 Aug 27, 2020

Hi Thom. I think it's the sign of a good writer when you can take a real life event and tell the story so that it's just as compelling as a piece of fiction. Autobiographical writing has the power to be raw and honest in a way that fiction often lacks, and I really like the way that this piece paints a picture of your journey as a younger man through army training and a chance encounter that resulted in a friendship. A real strength of this is that you don't try to give it a Hollywood ending (eg meeting up with you makes your friend realis...

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Thom With An H
20:12 Aug 27, 2020

You are my best English friend. Thanks for both levels of feedback. It’s exactly what I needed and I’m on my way to your story right now.

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Jane Andrews
20:44 Aug 27, 2020

It's always such a pleasure to critique your work - and you are exactly what every 'teacher' wants in a student: someone who won't take offence if a mistake is pointed out but will take the comments on board.

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. .
09:32 Sep 03, 2020

Great story!

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Thom With An H
11:19 Sep 03, 2020

Thank you!!

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Jonathan Blaauw
06:42 Aug 29, 2020

With the changes, you’ve upped the emotional impact significantly. I fully agree with Laura in that not having much of the ‘bonding’ in the first draft may not have been an error as much as something that was too painful to go into detail about. Putting it in works incredibly well. It’s like, again, you’ve identified the key feelings you want to highlight and brought them through loud and clear. That probably isn’t down to planning as much as just writing from the heart, which proves that feeling is as important, if not more so, as technical...

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Thom With An H
11:28 Aug 29, 2020

Jack says hi. He’s been in hiding since the movies. Now we know what it takes to keep a good man down. Thank you for the added insight. It’s spot on and it’s been cathartic for both Jason and I to see the comments. And in the latest update his run of good days continues. He told me this story is something that will help on the hard days. It’s a reminder of the power of the written word. It shows me we can do more than just entertain.

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Claire Lindsey
18:35 Mar 09, 2021

Firstly, how is Jason? I hope that your friendship has continued to be a place of solace and strength for him. I’ve struggled with similar thoughts before and it’s dark and scary. I’ve never told anyone actually. The fact that he talks with you about it tells so much about how close you two are and how much you mean to him. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Secondly, this is incredible. Very readable, engaging, and important. Easily my favorite of yours so far, it captures the complexity of friendship, how it can be a source of joy...

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Thom With An H
18:42 Mar 09, 2021

I’m glad you asked. Today Jason finished quarantine at a rehab center in Oregon. He will now be able to spend the next 90 days in treatment. His attitude is much better than I originally expected. He unfortunately had 3 DWI’s in the last two months including two that resulted in pretty severe accidents. He spent the 30 days prior to arriving at the facility in jail for his actions. Our hope is he is scared straight. He believes his life was spared because God has a purpose for him. I am choosing to believe with him. Thank you for your compas...

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Thom With An H
18:46 Mar 09, 2021

I also want to say thank you for sharing your pain as well. I hope you have someone you can talk to. That’s really what friends are for.

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Claire Lindsey
20:02 Mar 09, 2021

Glad to hear he’s getting help, and that he is finding purpose. I’ll be praying for him as he begins rehab. And thank you, I’m fine at the moment mentally but I do have people I can reach out to should the need arise.

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Elle Clark
17:47 Sep 22, 2020

Thom, I’m just checking in on this story to ask how Jason is getting on. I think about you guys about once a week and been sending positive thoughts his way.

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Thom With An H
18:12 Sep 22, 2020

Honestly he is doing great. He got a new job. He’s going to meetings everyday and he finally got a sponsor. He knows everyday is a new day. He always says he won’t drink today. He knows thinking further than that is a recipe for disaster. Fingers crossed he may be a success story. Thanks for checking btw. I’ll let him know you asked. It means a lot to both of us.

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Elle Clark
18:57 Sep 22, 2020

That’s amazing news! I’m so happy for him.

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Paige Leppanen
20:07 Sep 03, 2020

Wow, what an emotional piece. I like the way you build suspense and show how the smallest decisions can change the course of your life. I'm so sorry your friend is in a rough way, though. It's good he has a friend who's there for him.

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Thom, I do still check your page. I did notice that your picture changed, and I’ve read your new bio. Right away I went and found your story about Jason, and I read it. I know that after losing someone you love, words from others turn feeble, and can hardly give comfort. Yet I still want to offer you condolences, on behalf of myself and my mother. My mother wants me to share this talk with you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJnWnN3doR4 She said it gave her comfort. There are three people in our family who have taken their own lives. ...

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Mary Bendickson
03:31 Nov 16, 2023

Oh, Thom. So sorry for your loss. You may not remember me but you were the first one to critique my first story on Reedsy. I so admire your writing and had no idea you were as new to writing as I was when I started here in Feb, 2023. Don't know that I have improved all that much but I do have a request to see my manuscript. I wrote about my journey in a few of my stories here. Especially 'Thank You, Killer Nashville'. I have been crazy busy and falling behind on my reading but I happened to stop on your profile because of the new picture. M...

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Glenda Toews
22:38 Mar 25, 2023

August 27, 2020? How is Jason Today? I hesitate to ask. You have a great rhythm to your writhing Thom (I was going to say lovely but I could hear my husband's unspoken admonishment 'You don't say anything a guy has done is lovely! ) At any rate, when I read it I desire to continue and not to skim... I appreciate this... I would rather enjoy a story then skim it!

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Thom With An H
01:35 Mar 26, 2023

He is doing fantastic. A real success story. He is working as a liaison between soldiers and NFL players. He has found love and is engaged. His name is Jason Jarman. This may be more of a time commitment than you are willing to give but you will be blessed if you check out this interview he did. If you listen carefully he gives me a brief shout out somewhere in the middle. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-bq-rvGOWzk

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Glenda Toews
03:01 Mar 26, 2023

Amazing! I will tomorrow!

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Glenda Toews
03:05 Mar 26, 2023

Echt...I googled him..to bad he's a 49er fan😆

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