The Ride Home
I like to have the window seat, its peaceful looking out beyond the world at God's beautiful creations: the birds, the buildings, the landscape etc.; he's definitely a man of many talents.
I know this train
route by heart and could probably take it with my eyes closed... Well actually
sometimes I do. I just sit back and envision myself being on a nice beach
somewhere or just anywhere tropical and before I know it I'm at my destination.
In case you're
wondering where I'm heading, I'm going back to school... Well back to college.
I go to college in South Carolina, it’s called Hampton United University. I'm
majoring in... Well I changed it a lot but I know that I want to write and help
people, how would I utilize them both?! Well your guess is as good as mine. My
parents live in California, so I unfortunately don't get to see them much, I
guess you can say only during the holidays, and every now and then they would surprise
me with a visit. They always worry about me... Like most parents do. I do my best
to reassure them that by being here I made the right decision, but lately I
stopped trying to convince them because in all honesty I'm not even sure
anymore if I am making the right decision, going down the right path, majoring
in the right career. What's "right" anymore, or how would I really
Starting off going
to college I felt soo much joy, but the joy I had inside soon turned into
confusion that later changed to regret. Being the youngest and also being the
child that rarely gave my parents any problems, any reasons to doubt their
parenting skills I felt that I owed them that much. I want to show them that I
made it, you know like any kid they wanna make their parents proud of their
accomplishments. This was my decision to come all the way here stay here in
South Carolina and go to school here while my parents are hours and hours and
miles away. In all honesty they preferred me being close by, but I wanted to
spread my wings and fly... But as of now, I can barely figure out which way is
up, let along try to “spread my wings”
I think my siblings
are ( it's gonna sound terrible), jealous of my many accomplishments, the way I
carry myself, how I can walk into a room and immediately feel right at home
whether I know the people or not. Not to mention the fact that I do my very
best to listen and respect my parents... Not saying that they don't, but it's
like they have to see how far they can get, almost like they wanna challenge
the consequences... I never understood that, but I guess that why we never
really communicate... They see the life I'm trying to achieve and they
unfortunately feel I guess you can say "threatened" by the life they
But anyway enough of
that, but as you can see that alone is a reason why I chose to be here at
school... Why I chose to push through not being around my family and close
friends (who have become an extended family like my very best friend Kayla. Why
I push through not knowing my way around, or just what’s to expect! I would be
lying if I said that I don’t get lonely or scared or intimidated or all those
other feelings you feel when you’re in a new place, new environment. They said
that “what don’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Sometimes I feel like… my tires
are deep in the mud and the more I try and turn the wheels the more they get
And maybe it has a lot to do with my pride, not wanting my parents see me crumble like a cookie that’s waaaay too hard to even attempt to eat or sweating under pressure because you feel like others around you are secretly judging you… I know my parents didn’t raise a quitter, however they don’t want me to suffer unnecessarily either… Being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Sitting on the train, having the window seat gives me a sense of feeling connected to something I felt trapped from before. It’s like I figured out my true existence (yes I know that was deep), but it’s how I feel… Very similar to putting your toes in the same and watching the waves cover you with a peace of mind. The train ride for me does just that; sometimes I just close my eyes or sometimes I just drift off into a deep thought that carries me across into galaxy it seems. Everything, EVERYTHING flies out the window and I just focus on reaching my next destination. Since I travel so much, (not too often but enough to be called by my first name) it’s nice to see a welcoming face, a familiar face along for the journey although it’s their job; they make the ride just that more pleasant.
Getting back to reality I can’t help but to think just how my parents are really dealing with me not being there. The youngest girl, who “seems” to have it all together, the “responsible” one thinks about tough decisions before jumping the gun… The one that they rely on for soo much; that the “other”/ the oldest siblings wouldn’t even think twice about… Sad to even say out loud, that your siblings’ are just as selfish as they wanna be… It used to bother me (not gonna say I’m completely over it, because I do still questioned to myself as to why they can’t have compassion towards others, or better yet why they think I any better than the rest of us)! But now as my faith grows I just pray about it letting out all the emotions I tend to feel. I can’t even imagine how OUR parents feel, like I know they love us equally… But are they fed up with their childish ways, have they giving up… Or like most of us who is trying to build their faith, do they pray without ceasing?!?
I do admire my parents’ strength, endurance, wisdom and so much more to keep pushing through. I watch their faith bring them even closer than before. With the heavy questions that I don’t wanna ask for whatever reasons I just get to myself pray about it and enjoy the train ride home.