JENNY!

“Today's the day I change. I know I’ve said it before but this time I mean it. I’m not going back. I can't, I’ve gone through enough. I’m only twenty-eight yet I feel like I’ve lived it all. It's been hell.”

Her dark eyes were teary. In them, I could see was a reflection of her torment. I had not seen her as assertive as this. The blood clot in her eye was quite disturbing. I could tell she did not want to look at me. She did not want to look at anyone. She must have felt less beautiful. Her lips trembled.

“What if he changes? Will you go back?” I ask.

“No, no way.” She smiles, I smile back lightly.

“ Thank you, Jenny. Thank you for sharing. This is the hardest session we have had so far. I’m proud of you. I’m immensely proud.”

“Do you think I should report it to the cops? Do you think he will come after me?” There is fear in her eyes. She holds her hand – self consolation.

“No. Leave the police out of this. You’ll only trigger him if you do so. That is when he might come after you. All I would say is that you stay with your brother and his wife. Being alone will bring back all the negative thoughts, feelings, and memories. You may miss him. He's bad for you Keep busy Jenny. Block him on social media, block his number. Start over. Gather those broken pieces and put them back into place.” I tuck my lips together then give her a refulgent smile.

“Thanks, Dr. Anne.” Jenny begins to sob again. Her eyes dart to my bookshelf as she pulls out a green handkerchief from her grey clutch bag. She dries her tears and glances at me.

 “ I read your book Doctor Anne, the one about your ex-husband. How you thought it was love, how he treated you to the most extravagant of things, how he fought for you only for him to just change in a day, for him to become ice, for him to touch you intimately and push you away from a wink later, for him to tell you he loves you and in a second tell you that you two can't be.”

I swallow hard, reminiscing each moment Jenny talks about, reliving it. It burns like a furnace.

“Do you still talk to him, doctor?” She looks at me pityingly. I grow faint, weary. I conceal it with my smile.

“No, those are the kind of people you stay away from. They make you sick, they suck out all your energy and when they leave, you’ll be needy, needy for them, for their attention, sick without them, Don't look back Jenny. You're young, beautiful, and bright, you'll sure get better.” I look at my golden wristwatch. My sense of time is always right. It is something I’ve developed as a therapist.

“ If you did it, I too can. Thank you, doctor Anne. You managed to stay away from him.” She smiles. “ I love how you described every passionate moment of your relationship, the good times that made me smile and the next thing I know,” her smile suddenly vanishes, “I hated him. I wondered how such an agent as that could turn into a monster. Oh! The facade! I want to be like you doctor, strongly independent and well put. I’m not going back doc, not in a million years.”

“ I’ll see you next Friday Jenny. Remember everything we have talked about,” I insist and she nods her head firmly, getting up the chair. With her handkerchief she wipes the tear falling from her injured eye and thanks me. She leaves the room tagging along with her tulip-scented perfume. Instantly, I burst into tears. I take off my glasses and dry my tears with my palms. Jenny was my last patient. Jenny is a reminder of me. I want to save Jenny, no one saved me.

My stilettoes hit the ground causing attention to me. The red dress I’m wearing makes me feel self-conscious. I’m tempted to pull it a bit low as I notice the alluring stares men flicker on me.

“Enjoy your weekend doctor,” Nancy the receptionist shouts as I pass by.

“You too Nancy,” I say enthusiastically.

My red Audi gushes out a soothing warmth. I settle in it placing my handbag on the passenger seat and wrapping my seatbelt around me. I take in a deep breath and drive watchfully to Ralph's hypermarket, a fifteen minutes drive from the hospital. My shopping spree begins. I throw groceries into my basket and a lot of other junk and essentials. I never go out on weekends, I grab all I think I’ll need. Soon, my basket is full. I push it to the counter and the cashier jumps right into it.

“That'll be three hundred and twelve ma’am,” he says. I remove the dollars from my wallet, count carefully and hand it to him.

“ I love your ring ma'am,” he says looking at me in admiration.

“Thank you, Brian,” I say after looking at the name tag.

Twenty minutes later, I am home unpacking my shopping. I hum Belinda Carlisle's Heaven Is a Place on Earth. I hear the neighbor's dog barking. She's always so noisy. I peer outside the window, still humming. She's looking at me as she barks. The neighbor gets out of the house and calls her dog in. She waves at me, I wave back. I find that odd, really odd. She never barks at me.

With a Bud Light beer in my hand, I sit on a rocking chair in the backyard staring at the sunset. I must admit to myself, I’m lonely, I’ve been lonely since Matthew. He knows it, he said it will always be that way. I scroll to his name on my cell phone and dial his number.

“Hello,” he says. His voice is calm.

“Where are you?” I ask.

“I’m out with Tom and Ryan, taking a few drinks.” Tom and Ryan are his close friends. We used to go out as a foursome before my writing took over my social life.

“I’m having mine alone,” I say jokingly as I stare at my beer bottle. I feel lonely. I miss him intensely.

“You never drunk beer before and while I was with you, Anne. Are you sure you're okay?”

Tears form in my eyes. I want to tell him he is all that I have. I want my Matthew back. I messed up. It's my fault. I look at the sunset. My heart is a desert. I wonder whether Jenny feels the same. The thirty-five-carat diamond ring Matthew placed on my finger sparkles.

“Anne?”

“Please pass by,” I say. “I miss you.”

The music gets louder. I imagine a woman seated next to him. The thought breaks me. I took everything from him. He wants to move on. I know he hates me.

“I gotta go now, Anne. I’ll see you at nine.” His voice is raised as the house music increases. He hangs up. I smile, the thought of getting an opportunity to hold him once more in my arms gives me contentment. I observe a beautiful murmuration of starlings from the letter J. I hope Jenny is okay.

I make dinner for my ex-husband and me. It is pasta, steamed vegetables, and grilled chicken. I pour wine into glasses and quickly pick both glasses and drain the wine through the sink. I don't want to seem desperate. I take a shower and put on a rugby shirt and one of my oldest trousers. I shouldn't look like I’m trying too hard.

10.11 pm. The doorbell. I rush to open, still applying lip gloss on my lips. Matthew. I hold him. The spark begins from my legs and runs through my entire body, astounding me. He grapples me. My head on his shoulder, his on mine.

10.22 PM

“Really tasty Anne.” He bites into his food. He moans as he enjoys it.

“Thank you.” We smile at each other. My cell phone rings. Nancy the receptionist. There has to be a problem. Matthew notices that I’m bothered.

“Hello Doctor Anne, I’m sorry, deeply sorry to bother you at this time but Jennifer James, your last patient today just called me.” My heart paces. Matthew puts his fork down and stares at me. “She says she can't do this anymore. She says she is at Golden Gate Bridge. She says she needs to talk to you in the next five minutes.”

“Please give me her number,” I say getting up from the chair and rushing to the kitchen to grab a pen and paper.

“This is against the hospital's policies. If they find out we're going to lose our jobs.”

“I don't care Nancy. She's my responsibility. If she jumps off that bridge, how will we live with ourselves?”

“What is so special about this lady doctor? Since the first day, you saw her...”

“ Just give me her number Nancy. She said five minutes.” I cut Nancy short. Matthew walks into the kitchen as I write down Jenny's number.

“What's going on beautiful?” Matthew’s voice is blurred and sluggish in my mind. Its sounds as though he is trapped at the end of a tunnel calling on me to rescue him. I dial Jenny's number. Mathews holds me. The phone is on speaker.

“Hello,” Jenny says. I can tell she's been crying.

“Hey Jenny, it's me, Doctor Anne. How are you?” Matthew squeezes my hand.

“I can't live without him doctor. You told me not to talk to him. He is all I have. How can you tell me not to talk to him? How can you tell me he is bad for me when I’m lost without him?” Matthew lets go of my hand. He paces around the kitchen. He must think I messed her up the same way I messed him up. The lies I wrote about him in my book “ Making Love to the Monster" were the ruin of him. Everything fell apart for him. I was the monster. I made him feel less of a man. I hit him and told him how useless he was. When he detached from me even the slightest, I knew how to win him twice as much. He finally saw through me and that is when it all...

“Jenny, my husband and I are coming for you. Stay right there. Don't do anything stupid. It's not worth it.”

“ Husband? Husband!” She is shouting. Matthew stands at the kitchen door staring at me. He is disappointed in me. I know that look. “Doctor Anne, you lied to me that you're not married. You said you are divorced. You said you don't talk to your ex-husband. Earlier I came by your house. I followed you from Ralphs. I saw you had a ring on your finger which I’ve never seen. I wanted to tell you I'm tired of being in this messed-up world. I needed comfort.”

“Were you in my house Jenny?” Instantly, I recalled Helena's dog barking at me. She must have seen Jenny.

“ Yes, Doctor Anne. I saw your manuscript. You were writing about me. How you want to save me. How I remind you of yourself. I am nothing like you. You want to use me to make money. Before I die, I just wanted you to know that it is your fault.”

Quickly, Matthew writes something on the paper with Jenny's number. I write down ‘Golden Gates Bridge. It's ten minutes from my house.

‘KEEP HER ON THE PHONE!’ He writes and dashes out.

“I am sorry Jenny. It's all my fault. I was only trying to help you.”

“Goodbye doctor,” she says and hangs up.

I am in a dilemma.

There has to be something I can do.

Matthew can't get there on time.

I am doomed. 

I pace. I remove the diamond ring and throw it outside the kitchen door. I shout.

I dial Jenny's number again. She hangs up. That means she is still alive.

‘Please Matthew save me, please baby,’ I pray.

I write Jenny a message.

‘You have told me your part. That is all my fault. I accept it, Jenny. Give me my fair chance to talk to you, Jenny. To tell you one thing. Why you are special to me.’

‘Because I remind you of you?’ She replies.

She is still alive.

She calls.

“Doctor Anne, I’m scared. Let's count one to five.” She says. Her voice is shaky.

I look at my gold wristwatch. I am hopeful. I believe in miracles. I hope it doesn't end in tragedy like all the stories I've written.

“Jenny, you are my best patient. You inspire me. I think about you every time. You’re a special woman. I love you, Jenny.

She is silent for a while. I hear her sniffle.

“One, two, three, four, f...”

“Jenny!” It's Mathew's voice. “Don't. I'm Matthew. I am just like you. I have nothing to live for. Everything I had and loved was taken away from me by the person I loved most and now...” Jenny hangs up.

I scream.

I grab my car keys.

My red Audi gushes out cold air, it wants me to freeze to death in it. I drive recklessly to Golden Gates. My speed limit is one twenty-five. I don’t care. I don't. I want to see the three of us happy. I want to fix them. I want you to fix me.

I get out of the car. All is quiet. As though there was no one. It seems all that happened within the last six hours is an illusion. I look into the water, no floating bodies. It's all peace, cold but peaceful.

I walk back into my car and dial Matthew’s number. He is unreachable. I dial Jenny's number. She is unreachable too. I can for his Jeep – unsighted.

My phone rings. It is Nancy.

I quickly pick up.

“Hello, Doctor. Is she okay?”

“ I think so, Nancy. I think she is in safe hands.” I swallow bitterly.

“Doctor Anne, I hate to ask you this, it is none of my business,” Nancy's voice is hesitant. She takes in a deep breath. Finally, she asks the unexpected. “ Were you in love with Jennifer James?”

I swallow hard. Tears fall from my eyes. I take off my glasses.