Voices In My Head

Trigger Warning: Suicide at the end

Who am I?

You might know me as Jennifer Quen.

If not, if you don’t know me, that's fine.

I don’t even know myself.

Sure, a month ago I was regular old Jenn. Jenn, who had friends. Jenn, who had the perfect life.

Now I am Jenn, who got in the car crash. Jenn, who almost died. Jenn, who has amnesia.

Jenn, who insists we call her Hawaii.

Hawaii means homeland, but that's not why I chose it. I chose it because Hawaii drifts alone on the ocean, still a U.S. state, but often overlooked. 

Hawaii is my current mood. Status update: #ifeelsoalone.

Can I start fresh? Amnesia can be a chance at that…

Will people let me start fresh? Or will I always just be stuck as Jenn Quen?

If I was given an option, I would choose not to remember my past. Why? Because if I remembered, I would be stuck as Jenn forever. Following the same habits, same personalities.

Hawaii is who I want to be. Hawaii is nice. Hawaii doesn’t have a big group of friends, she has two or three really close friends. Hawaii likes to read Percy Jackson, and shout “We have a dam problem!” at random times. Hawaii doesn’t like Harry Potter anymore because JK Rowling is transphobic.

Is this Jenn? I don’t know.

Monday+school=uhg.

I walked through the halls I don’t remember, my head down, trying to avoid the close gaze of everyone looking on me with concern. 

Hawaii holds her head tall.

I’m not sure what Jenn does.

“Jenn!” A voice yells from behind me.

It's not Jenn. That's not who I am. Not anymore.

Jenn and Hawaii fight for dominance, Jenn urging that her name has been called, Hawaii saying that that isn’t her. Jenn wins.

“Yes?” I/Jenn/Hawaii says all at once, in a three tinted unison.

“Hey, um, are you ok?” The girl says. She is short. Straight, shoulder length brown hair. Glasses.

“I guess?” I walked away.

How would you feel if You got hit by a car, got amnesia, then couldn’t figure out your identity? Hawaii or Jenn? Jenn or Hawaii?

Who wins?

After school we walked home. I passed the intersection where it happened.

Then we did something crazy.

Hawaii, Jenn, and I walked out into the middle of the street.

We placed our hand on the place where the skid marks had been. They weren’t there anymore, of course, after a month. But I had memorized where they were. Amnesia leaves a lot of memory space to remember things like that.

Pouring rain…

White Ford Explorer…

Red van…

“Red light! Red light!”

Metal crunching...

Rain pouring in the car now…

Who am I?

“Jenn, are you okay?”

“No…”

Rain soaking through my Oregon Ducks hoodie…

Sirens…

Big red fire engines…

California Highway Patrol vehicles…

He was okay...but Jenn wasn’t…

Jenn will never come back…

We pulled ourselves out of the memory and rushed out of the street.

Jenn wants to go home. It's starting to rain, She said.

Hawaii wants to stay out. She’s always been more of a party animal. Naw, home is boring! Is there anything else we can do?

We thought about it. Shopping? We all spoke as one.

Yes.

And so we walked downtown in the drizzle to Omni, the local skate shop.

Jenn and Hawaii both picked out a pair of Vans, as well as a skateboard. Hats, too.

“That’ll be 352.32, ma’am.”

Three hundred and fifty two dollars?

We handed him our mom’s credit card. Hawaii had grabbed it on the way out the door this morning, saying she had planned for exactly this.

We paid and left. 

Ice cream? Hawaii suggested.

We’ve already spent three hundred dollars today, Hawaii. Jenn countered.

So?

So, we should go home now.

We weren’t sure what to do.

But…

The money was already spent...so…

What’s a little more?

We got ice cream for the three of us, totalling up to thirty dollars.

This was a bad idea. Jenn said. If you guys had just listened to me-

If we had listened to you, we wouldn’t have had this much fun. Hawaii said.

Jenn sighed.

At home that afternoon, I was sitting in my room talking to Hawaii and Jenn when my mother came into my room.

“Who were you talking to?” She asked quizzically.

“N-no one.” I said.

She raised an eyebrow, but continued. “Did you spend almost four hundred dollars on my card today?”

“W-well, it wasn’t all me. Jenn and Hawaii-”

“Who and who?”

“Jenn and Hawaii, they're my…” I searched for a word. “Friends.”

“But you bought the stuff. With my card.”

“Yes.”

“This is the first time I’ve ever heard about those two,” Mom said. ”But I’m taking your phone, so you can’t talk to them on it for a month.”

“Mom!”

“Four hundred dollars, Jenn. That’s a big number.”

Make a biting comment, Hawaii urged. Do it!

“There’s nothing as big as your cankles.” I spat.

“Two months!” She shouted before slamming my door.

The next day I was in a funk.

Neither Jenn nor Hawaii could cheer me up.

And the day after that.

And the day after that.

And the day after that.

And the week after that.

The thirteenth day of the funk was different. I could tell.

Jenn and Hawaii both tried to cheer me up, but I only ever paid attention to Jenn. Hawaii had misled me for the last time.

Why don’t we-

“No.”

How about-

“No.”

I walked outside. I just felt in my heart that I should take a walk.

More importantly, I wanted Hawaii out of my head.

I would never tell Hawaii this, of course, but it was the truth.

I walked to the scene of the accident again.

And I had a brilliant lightbulb idea.

What if I got her out the same way she came in?

Car accident…

I can not drive. I’m sixteen, yes, but after the accident I sorta...lost the will to get my license. I never wanted to fail someone as badly as the driver of the car had failed me.

We walked to the intersection.

I’ve almost died here…

I need to get this over with. I need Hawaii out of my head.

Honking.

Swerving.

But not fast enough.

I saw the headlights.

Then darkness.