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Funny Friendship American

"I need a tank." I tell my accountant.


"Like a water tank?"


"No." I stare out the window. A moment passes.


He looks at me, scratching the back of his head. "Then what kind of... tank?"


"You know." I make a clicking gun noise, "Boom."


"A toy?"


"No."


"So you want a real tanker." He says slowly trying to understand. He takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes.


"Yes please." I ask like I'm ordering a cup of coffee.


"No." He says matter of factly.


"Please."


"No."


"Please."


"Curtis." He stops me from talking, "We live in the city. And it is illegal for you to operate military grade equipment."


"But I was in the military."


"Was." He stretches out the word to make sure I hear it.


"Look, this is my money and I just want you to do your accounting stuff and buy me a tank." I wave him off. "Try Ebay."


"This is not a matter of finding a tank. I want to know why you want one."


"It's for my ex. Ok." I shrug.


"Then ugh, No. definitely not."


"I don't need to give an explanation." I sigh. "Why I purchase what for whom should not be... known- it's my business."


"Curtis."


"Yah?"


My accountant, his name is Fred by the way, looks at me in the eyes, "Why do you need a tank?"


"Did people question Jesus when he rose from the dead?"


"Yes. I would believe so. In fact, I think that would be the first question they ask." He taps his pen on the table.


"Fine but Why can't I have a tank?"


"I didn't say you couldn't-"


"So I can feasibly buy a tank and keep it."


"If you have a good enough reason for why you want one, how you are going to care for it, where you are going to store it, if you take a psychiatric evaluation, a lie detector test among signing a lot of legal documents." He takes a short break, "Then you can own a tank as a civilian."


"Great. Sign me up."


"I need the reason."


"For you or for legal reasons?"


He sighs, "Legally."


"Sure."


"Ok hear what. I will... write a letter, put it in an envelope and you give that to the legal people cause they are legally authorized to not say anything about my private life."


"Curtis, I am also legally bound to not disclose any financial information."


"But I don't want to tell you."


"And why is that?"


"This office can be chipped..."


"It is not."


"But It can be."


"It is not."


"How can you know for sure?"


---

I'm now looking over my accountant's shoulder as he's going through websites looking for a Anti-spy equipment.


"That one." I point at the red hidden camera detector on his screen.


"That's 400 dollars." he tells me.


"So what? I am a spoiled brat with a trust fund and a million dollar cooperation."


"Fine." I watch him click a few buttons.


"Get Premium and Quick delivery." I suggest.


---

An hour later, we've had lunch in his office talking and laughing about some movies we've seen. Soon, two packages arrive at the office. I rip open the larger one to find a ring box.


"Awh dude, it's a nice thought but I like girls."


Fred's eyes widen at me holding his specially ordered ring box. "It's for my girlfriend."


"Wendy?"

Why would I ask that? Of course it's Wendy.


"Sure." He answers unconvincingly. Looking down as he takes the product out of my hands.


"You're cheating on Wendy?"


He doesn't answer, looking stunned at my accusation. He starts up the hidden camera detector (like he's done this before) and scans the room.


---

"Alright I'll tell you why I need a tank now." I level with him, "And in turn, you tell me about the ring."


"Deal."


"When I was 13, I used to watch War pictures with my dad and I always wanted a tank and I would tell him, one day I'm going to ride in one. My dad died a while ago and we weren't rich before. Step mom and family stuff later. Now I have like a lot of money, I kind of have a restraining order from one of the female sergeants so I can't just sit in one. I can finally own one and I'm going to name it after my dad then donate it to the Army."


"That is a great explanation. I see why you didn't want to tell me, must have been hard for you to open up emotionally. It is a good way to utilize and store it. You shouldn't have a problem owning one," Fred smiles, writing information down.


"Now why are you buying a ring box for not Wendy." I lean back on the chair and fold my arms.


He spins the pen in his hand, "I'm not cheating on anyone. I just improvised, I'm going to propose to Wendy soon."


"So you lied to me?"


"Basically." He smirks.


"I'm so annoyed but happy at the same time. Congrats but How dare you?" I can't help the smile on my face. "When?"


"I don't know. Maybe two months from now when we're both off work for vacation."


"You know what you need?"


"No what?"


"A wedding tank."


His smile drops. "No."


"You'll drive off into the sunset sitting in the hull off into the desert. She might have to sit on your lap."


"Curtis. Stop."


"A 21 gun salute."


"Okay Curtis, My finacee` would like to plan her own wedding and I know she's not a fan of guns, violence and death... She's into more flowers and you know, girl stuff."


"ok wow. That's sexist." I shake my head at Fred.


"I didn't mean to-"


"Girls can be into tanks and missiles and robots and games and tanks. There are female soldiers and sergeants who can kick really really hard. And there are female lawyers who are very good at giving restraining orders."


"You see my girl is not into that. She is a very docile, soft, sensitive woman."


"Oh ok, that's cool. So when will I get my tank?"


"It might take a few months but this year for sure." He types quickly on his computer.


"Awesome. I can't wait to show my dad."


"I thought you said he died."


"He did. I mean after I get my tank, I'll just have to pass by the cemetery, yeah I know the roads are narrow but it's a tank, I'll make my own way so I can show him before I give it to the military."


Fred sighs.

July 08, 2021 22:12

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4 comments

Ben Rounds
00:30 Jul 15, 2021

Critique circle. It was entertaining. Didn't make much sense... but entertaining. Honestly, It would have been better without the prompt bit; the first half was much more fun to read. So, the dialog flowed well, was believable... mechanically, you could actually believe it was two people talking. Oh, and you should look up the history of tanks, why they are called ,"tanks," I mean. It actually almost ties in to your intro. For a moment, I thought it was going to be your twist... Suspense was definitely present; I was genuinely curious t...

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01:22 Jul 15, 2021

Yeah I agree, I should have done more research. I just put in that line about the trust fund baby to say 'Hey Mr. Accountant. I got money. don't worry about the cost right now.' But you right. It sounds weird.

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Dr. Ugs
12:57 Jul 21, 2021

Hahaha - just when I assumed it could not get any funnier, you jostled me with the end there. That's it. I'm a fan.

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Ida Stokbaek
20:41 Jul 14, 2021

Skillfully written dialog. I was entertained. Good job!

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