Goodbye to the one who looks like you

It is time to say goodbye. It is time to let you go. My love is gone.

I must push you away. I must resist the urge to take comfort in the embrace. Because it is not your embrace that has been warming me, soothing me. It is not your embrace that I can’t fall asleep without. It is not your embrace that brings me back to the world when sleep is interrupted with the harsh realities. It is not your embrace that I need to start my day again. It is hope that holds me close, that brings me safety. I must push hope’s embrace away.

I now try and look deep into your eyes. Like I did before. When one says they are lost in the eyes of the one they love, I can only laugh. This person doesn’t get it. They’re not in love. When you love someone the furthest thing you become when you look in their eyes is lost. You’re found. You find a home in what is behind those eyes. When I look at your eyes they are the same eyes on the surface. Light brown. I think of all the stories that were told from deep inside those eyes. The stories of joy, of pain, of triumph and sorrow. The past, the present, and what I had always hoped would be the future in those eyes. 

I’m sure there are still so many stories to be told deep inside those eyes, but what’s there I will never know. I’m not a welcome visitor anymore. I don’t give the privilege anymore of seeing your hopes and dreams. I used to love to be a part of your vision for the future, and draw up whatever life we wanted to live. One day was never quite the same as the next. It was a wild ride. There was always one constant though. You and I. 

I used to see into your emotions of the present. I loved seeing your joy, but joy is easy to see. People wear joy on their face. You wore joy on your face. You hid sadness from all but me. I miss being part of your happiness and enjoying those moments with you. But, even worse than that, I’m not privy to your hurt and your pain, your disappointment and let down. People celebrate with many many people and they welcome even the slightest of aquaintances to be a part of their revelry. Only those that they truly care about, however, only the special people in their world, get to be part of their lowest moments. Anyone can share a drink with you, share a dance floor with you, cheer and enjoy life with you. I got to pick you up when you were down. It was a position I cherished. 

You can erase me from your future, and you can block me from your present. The one place you can not erase me from is your past. I am there. There is no changing that. But what am I now? Have I been changed from hero to villain? Protagonist to antagonist? Partner in crime to oppressor? Memory is all perspective. No, you can’t deny the fact that I’ll be remembered, but you sure as hell can change how I’m remembered. I fear how I’ll be portrayed in the story of your past, but more than that, the worry that fills me right now, is that I won’t be a villain or an oppressor. I’ll be, “a guy.” A guy who you once knew. Thrown in with the rest. 

But no matter my fears, this is what I must do. I must say goodbye. I must not resist what is the right thing to do. 

Oh, That face. Still beautiful. Still radiant. If I see that face from a distance in a month I will stop, and the electricity of it will be the same. The smile that face once wore did more than make my eyes respond. That smile, and whatever made that smile appear, brought me the same joy that you were feeling. I didn’t know why. It didn’t matter. That joy ran through us both. The tears you cried. The tears taht fell down your cheek made my heard fall along with them. I maybe had no reason, but alas I could not help the tears from falling down my eyes as well. Never had I been happy to feel sadness, until it brought me closer to you.

Alas, I see neither the smile nor the tears now. I see the face, but the feelings, both the ones you wear on your face and the ones that we connected with, are as much a stranger ot me as you have become. 

Oh, how you used to get angry. I was so calm. You were a firecracker if there ever was one. I loved that about you. I loved your fiery, fierce and feisty nature. You were a ride or die. If anyone came at me, I know you had my back. If I ever crossed you, I knew you'd put me in my place. There were times I'd roll my eyes, times I couldn't stand when I saw the water in your pot start to reach a boil. Now, I'd give anything to see that emotion, that caring. Now, you don't care if I cross you. Now, an insensitive joke, a soda bottle left out, you don't care. I wish you'd care again. I so desperately want you to care again. 

As I prepare to say goodbye, goodbye to the one who showed me what love could be- I pause. This face, these eyes- they are not you. I fear I never was allowed the chance to say goodbye to my true love. No, I can say goodbye to these eyes, and this face- this person. The one I know, I won’t say goodbye. I can’t. You are there somewhere. I could never walk away from that person. No, that person is lost. But that person I will hold onto forever. I will never say goodbye to that person, even if it means saying goodbye to the one who looks like you.