(CW: This story contains sensitive content that may be triggering for some people. It is based on current real life experiences.)
To no one in particular,
I don't know why anyone would like to read this. I mean, a story (or letter in this case) with no clear plot ain't that fun to read. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess just to vent or something like that, but I don't think anyone really wants to hear me yap about nonsense. [Sigh] Oh, well… if you're still reading, just, please, let me play my tiny violin to you.
Not so many months ago I used to be happy. I used to be full of life, my head filled with dreams and motivations to live life to the fullest. I was always so full of energy and hope. Yeah, those were the good old times, but now those times are gone. They're nothing more than a mere memory of better times, times in which life was a blessing, when waking up the next day was the best thing that could happen to you. But now it's not. Life feels like a painful nightmare you can't wake up from.
I don't know why exactly this started. One moment everything was fine, and the next my world was crumbling. I don't remember any traumatic or sad events happening to trigger this feeling. I mean, my life is what many would call a perfect, happy life. My family isn't poor nor do I live in a broken home, so why do I feel like this? Heck, my family is even supportive with me! Why would I ever feel depressed with such blessings?
“There's people who have it way worse than you and they don't get depressed, you know? So why are you depressed?”
“Count your blessings. God has given you too much for you to feel this way.”
“You gotta pray more. You gotta have stronger faith in God. That's why you're depressed.”
“Be thankful for what you have. How many people in the world wish they had what you have?”
“It's just a phase of your teenage years. Highs and lows are a normal part of life. Just enjoy life and be happy.”
“Snap out of this nonsense! You choose how you feel, so don't let the feelings control you.”
Yeah… I've heard all that bullshit before.
I hate myself for not being able to snap out of this feeling like I've been told before. Why can't I just stop feeling hopeless, weary, sad, numb, guilty, ashamed, and irritable? Why can't I concentrate on "easy" school work? Why does it take me six fucking hours to complete a freaking assignment on reading five pages and taking few notes? I shouldn't be that difficult and yet my stupid and lazy ass brain won't work! Ugh, why is it so hard to go easy on myself like my therapist told me?!
"After evaluating all of your case, I think this could be a chemical imbalance in you brain. And no, you shouldn't be ashamed of feeling like this or having these thoughts. We'll work together to get you through this. Remember, it's not you fault your brain isn't working as it should," my therapist told me during one of our sessions. I know it's not my fault, but that's so hard to believe.
My parents have told me high and lows are part of life and that I should enjoy life and being alive, that I should be thankful I live, but I can't. Because I am really not. I can't fake gratefulness. That's just not possible. I can tell you I love and enjoy being alive, but those words are hollow. I'm starting to give up all hope that life will get better, that things will get better, that I can get better.
I've tried many things to make this pain go away. I've tried ignoring it for as long as I could before it got worse. I've tried exercising every day (and still do as I'm the captain of my cross country team). I've been open with others about my struggles and accepted help. I've been journaling and reading my bible for a good chunk of my life even before this started. I've even prayed to God to either take away my life or take away my pain as I cannot bear this pain for much longer… but then again, it hasn't worked either. All of this just led me to resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
The day I came out to my parents about my mental state and self-harm, they were devastated. They cried, and even my brother cried too when I told him about it. They saw my wounds and cried even more.
“You could have cut yourself too deep and… and… you know we wouldn't be complete without you, right? We could never recover if you did something like that!” they'd said. It made me feel more guilty and ashamed, but I know it was out of concern.
I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up again, but I also don't have the courage to ensure that actually happens. I'm done with living in this pain, but I have to stay. Not for myself, for I really don't care whether I die or not, but for them. For my family. For my friends. For my team. For God. For those who know me and would miss me if I were gone. Life may never have meaning for me anymore and just be a living hell day after day, but at least those around me will be happy. They'll be happy because I'm still around despite how much pain I'm in. I may be in pain, but that doesn't give me the right to inflict pain upon others. I'm not a bad person.
People keep telling me this is just temporary, that the darkness will lift some day and that blessing will flow into my life. I know God can heal my heart and my mind with just one word... but He hasn't, and only He knows why. But still, I believe in Him.
Oh, well, I guess if I do have to stay here, then I'll search for hope. For hope that things can get better, that life can get better, that I will get better. Search for the hope I lost that once belonged to me… despite the pain and suffering.
Thanks for reading through all this yapping.
Sincerely,
Isabella
(Author's note: I'm sorry if this story does not have the same quality of writing as my other stories as I'm really having issues concentrating and thinking straight. I was trying to get back into writing after having stopped for almost four months. I hope you enjoyed it)
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12 comments
Hello Isabella, I would like to start by saying, even if you don’t know us, there are many people here who would love to hear you play your tiny violin, Your words hit hard, they are true, honest, and I would be lying through my teeth if I said that I didn’t admire your bravery and determination. I’m not a therapist, or medically qualified but I agree with Trudy. Those feelings are real, they hurt like heck, but you’re not alone in them. Everything is hard, you have to be a world class actor because you can’t bear to risk hurting the people ...
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Thanks, Cedar. I'm crying as I read this. I just wish this pain would just leave me and never return. Thank you for your kind words, understanding, and for believing in me; I really appreciate it
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Hello, I know this isn’t super relevant, but I thought you might like to know you helped me today. I was feeling tired, and angry, but most of all alone. I finally came to read this story again, I read it over and over. And when I finished it, I felt a little less angry, a little less alone. Your words helped me, thank you.
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Cedar, I'm very sorry you're feeling alone and angry. It feels horrible to be feeling that way. I'm glad my words helped you, even if it was just a little bit. If you need someone to talk to, just know I'm here for you. I hope you can start feeling better soon
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Hi Isabella, When you began to quote people's words of "inspiration" or "motivation" - or, to count your own term, "bullshit" - I could not help but sympathise and agree. Having certain depressive issues myself, I found this incredibly truthful, relatable, and unfiltered. You apologise at the end, for this work not having the same quality as your others, but it struck me as too honest and powerful to be doubted in such a way. This was from the heart, and that is what counts. The bravery is in sharing and writing it.
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Hey, Max. Thanks for the feedback and liking the story. I'm glad it came accross as very real and honest. I'm sorry you also have to go through this hell; it's not an easy battle like some would think
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Isabella, your feelings are totally real. They don't feel good, they hurt, yet the rest of you is numb. Laughing is too much work; concentrating is beyond reasonable. Your mind and soul are absent. It sounds like you are doing, struggling to do, whatever you feel you need to do to stay in the here and now. I admire you for effort it takes to do that. And yes, you don't feel you are worthy of that effort, and for now, you are doing it for others. Someday, hopefully soon, some of the effort will be for you too. Keep writing, give me a head's...
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Hey, Trudy. Thanks for your kind words and understanding. I wish the pain and numbness would just leave me so I can truly enjoy life to the fullest. I want to be there present in the moment, but I just can't. I hope someday that day comes when I'm finally free. Thanks for reading my story, I'll surely let you know when I write another one. I'll also read and comment on your stories.
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Be good to yourself. Find a focus on someone else to make them feel better. Maybe it would help you feel better, too.
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Thanks for the advise, Mary. I will definitely try that to hopefully feel better.
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I'm very sorry you have to go through this. If only I could go through the screen and hug you. Please know all of us are here for you.
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Thanks, Alexis. I really appreciate the kind words. Sometimes a hug is all I need to be able to bear the pain
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