Greatest Weakness.

Dear Diary,

I’m unable to sleep, yet again. I keep getting the same dream, and I constantly wake up in my own sweat and in a panic. Sometimes, it takes a while for me to comprehend its simply just a dream, but the mind truly is a powerful thing.

I’m in a white room, wearing a white dress and it gets cold. I wrap my hands around myself trying to warm myself up and then I hear a loud scream. I begin to follow the sound, as I walk closer and closer it gets colder and colder. Once more, I hear a cry for help. This time, the scream seems to be calling out for my name. The voice sounds so familiar but I’m unsure who it is. My heart races, my mouth begins to dry up. I begin to run, run towards to the voice.

As I run, my legs begin to give up on me and I’m beyond tired. The temperature changes, and its hot. I’m sweating and now, I’m wearing a red dress. I’m not sure how it changed, when I walk into the room, I see a body lying on the ground.

When I run towards the body, I see there’s a knife in my hands, blood all over my hands and dress. I realize my dress is still white, but it’s covered with blood, it hasn’t changed. I drop the knife in horror, unsure what to do.

I try my best to scream but I am unable to utter a sound, the walls feel as though they begin to close. I fall to my knees, clutching my chest with my bloody hands. Unable to breathe.

It feels too real.

My body is trembling with fear. Disgusted with myself, unsure what to do.

I hear a male voice, “Well, done, pumpkin.” My head snaps towards where the sound came from, I see a camera. Someone is watching me.

I slowly begin to walk towards the body, but I am unable to move. A child appears out of nowhere in front of the doorway.

The child is holding a bloody teddy bear, she looks so familiar.

She begins to whimper as she comes closer to me, I’m still on the ground and she reaches to touch my cheeks. She was warm

I hide the knife as she begins to touch my cheeks, wiping away my tears.

“Don’t cry.” She whispers with an innocent look in her eyes, her small fingers run through my hair as she says this. I’m unable to speak, as if I lost the ability to speak.

She turns around, waving goodbye, “You will be okay.” She says once more and disappears. I crawl to the corner, the body somehow disappeared and no where in sight.

I bring my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them as I cry softly. I’m petrified.

That’s when I hear an old woman’s voice.

She was slowly walking towards me, she looked so fragile—also looked far too familiar.

“Now, now. We don’t cry, we pick our-self up.” The old woman says to me as she reaches her wrinkled hands my way.

I didn’t touch her hand for a while, her hand is still in front of me—waiting for me. “Do not make me wait, I am not the patient kind.”

My hands slowly reached over to hers, noticing there was no more blood. I looked at my hands in disbelief, my eyebrows furrowed together in confusion.

She tapped her foot, reaching her hand out once more and I took it.

She helped me up and began to take me to another room.

This room was yellow, filled with sunflowers and daisies. She smiled as she put a daisy in my hair, cupping my cheeks, “You are your greatest weakness.” She whispered and then disappeared.

The room turned dark, cold and I was all alone.

I heard a loud scream, the same scream from earlier. I ran towards the scream, it kept getting colder and colder but this time, I didn’t mind. I just needed to know who she was.

When I reached the room, it was white. The same girl I saw who was on the floor, was fighting with someone. She looked like she was losing, I ran towards her, but I was unable to get close.

She began to cry out my name, but I was unable to speak.

I couldn’t see her face, she turned and looked at me—they both did, and they were me.

That’s when I woke up screaming. Covered in my own sweat unsure what to do. My heart was racing, I couldn’t breathe.

Once I calmed myself down, I took a shower just to calm my nerves down some more. I was terrified. As I wiped the steam off the mirror, I looked at myself and realized who each person was in the dream.

The bloody girl.

The little girl.

The old woman.

Each one of these people were me.

The bloody girl was killed by me.

The little girl represented me as a child—pure and innocent.

The old woman represented what I will be in the future.

I tried my best to escape replaying my dream in my head. I didn’t want to know the meaning, and I didn’t want to have that dream again. I wanted it to be over and done with.

But, the dream keeps returning. Am I supposed to learn something from it? Am I supposed to realize that I’m my greatest weakness, my greatest enemy?

Once more, I was in my dark room and I couldn’t return to bed. My anxiety was high, and it was only 3:30 A.M., it would be impossible to go back to bed.

Maybe I am my greatest enemy.

Maybe I am my greatest weakness.

What do I do if I am?

How do I become my greatest strength?

This dream constantly playing in my head at night has caused me to unwary of myself and what I do.

I just want to sleep in peace.