A Day for the Future

It was that time of the year again.

A day filled with resolutions to improve yourself. A day of dreams and aspirations. A day for the future. At least, for everyone but me. I woke up with the sweet feeling of ignorance that lasted for a few seconds until I realized what day it was. New Year's Eve. The day Sophie passed away. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep the misery away but my brain decided to focus on a familiar sound that filled the room.

I sat up and stared at the clock. Half-past three. It was taunting me, I swear. The second hand sneered with every tick, reminding me of how pathetic I was to be moping around on a day like this. Defeated, I rose up and drew the curtains. Sunshine poured into my room and blinded my eyes for a moment until they adjusted. I used to love the warmth of light, but all it does now is send a throbbing pain to my chest. 

It's been six years since Sophie passed and yet the pain lingers on like she died only yesterday. How could that be? I thought that her name would only be a nostalgic memory by now, yet whenever I think of her the nightmare is vivid and clear as day. I pushed the thought into the back of my mind and walked over to the kitchen.

I poured some Frosted Flakes into an old take-out salad bowl and grabbed some milk from my fridge. I lazily soaked my cereal, half expecting the milk to come out chunky, until I realized that the milk was going to overflow. I don't know what came over me, maybe the grief over Sophie, maybe my half-asleep brain, but I poured the milk until it was spilling all over the table and drenching everything in sight. It was only when the liquid starting dripping onto the carpet that I put the carton down and stared into my bowl, thinking, what the fuck is wrong with you? But I still didn't get up and clean up the mess- I just sat there like an idiot, staring a hole into a deformed flake floating in the milk.

Then I heard the jingling of keys outside of my door and Jacob came in, only to stop in his tracks and stare at the crime scene I created.

"Oh my God." Jacob's eyes went wide and he looked at me for some sort of explanation. I finally broke my staring contest with the cereal and turned my head over to my roommate.

"You're back." I say.

"Uh-huh." He grunted as he wrestled off his giant coat and put down his groceries. Grabbing some paper towels, he crouched down and started to wipe the carpet.

"How are you doing?" He asked, looking up at me hesitantly as if scared of my reaction. I blankly grabbed an old spoon with some suspicious stains on the handle and stirred my cereal.

"Okay, I guess." I stated as I took a bite. The sweet flavor spread over my tongue and I slowly chewed the soggy flake bits. I munched on the same mouthful for a few minutes until there was nothing left in my mouth. Jacob was still wiping milk off of the table, shooting me glances every few seconds with a nervous look on his face.

He was like this every New Year's ever since the first one we shared together. It was two years after Sophie had passed and he asked me if I could leave after bringing his girlfriend home. I said whatever and grabbed my coat, ready to leave, until I walked past the girl and caught a whiff of an all too familiar scent. It was the perfume that Sophie always wore. Everything I had been holding back up to that moment rushed over me and I started bawling my eyes out right then and there. Jacob and his girlfriend basically babysat me for the whole night and they broke up a few weeks later.

Usually, I'd be embarrassed thinking back to a memory like that, but today, it only made my body feel heavier. I spaced out for a while, thinking back on how I spent the past few New Year's as Jacob cleared away my bowl of cereal and started doing the dishes.

"So, um… I know I've taken care of you for the past few New Years but I kinda have plans so I'm not gonna be here. You'll be okay, right?"

"Of course" I replied. "Go have fun."

A wave of relief immediately washed over him as he said,

"In that case, I'm gonna leave soon. I have a date with Kate Hall! You know who I'm talking about, right? It's that super hot Canadian transfer-"

"Yeah, I know." I said. "Good for you." Jacob took the hint to stop talking and quietly finished the chores. A change of clothes and a "see you" later, he was gone, and I was alone to be miserable in peace.

I dragged myself back to my bed and plopped down, worn down with grief. I stared up at the ceiling and suddenly thought of the croquettes that Sophie and I had in Barcelona. She told me she wanted to eat them every day when we came back to the US. I loved the way her eyes gleamed whenever she talked about our vacation, and how she would bite her pastel colored nails while looking through the photos... before I knew it, I fell asleep, my heart heavy with memories of her.

When I woke up, it was already night-time. For a split second, I thought Sophie was sleeping next to me until I realized it was only a scrunched up comforter. It was cold. I wanted her warm and steady breath next to mine. But all I heard was the ticking of that stupid clock.

I missed her more right now than I had ever missed her before. My heart was punching my chest over and over again with no mercy. It drowned me in a scary concoction of every damned emotion that existed. It didn't stop. It would never stop. I had realized this before but now I've finally accepted it. This would go on forever. And ever. And ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

Until the day I died.

I wondered when that would be. I wished it would come faster. If I could get this pain to stop, I would be happy. If I could see Sophie again and bring back the life I had six years ago, I would do anything. Anything.

I've thought about doing this before. I thought about it many times after that New Year's Day. But I was too much of a coward to go through with it. But today, it didn't sound frightening. Today, it was inviting. Today, it was bliss.

I heard cheering outside of my apartment. Everyone had gone outside for the countdown. I went out onto the terrace to watch them.

10...

I felt my heart drum faster and faster.

9...

It wasn't fear this time. It was excitement.

8...

I wondered if Sophie can see me now.

7...

I looked down at the celebration below me.

6...

Everyone was happy.

5...

I would be happy soon.

4...

At least for the last few minutes,

3...

I would also celebrate New Year's.

2...

A day for the future.

1...

I flung my legs over the railing and admired the fireworks that gradually shrunk smaller and smaller...

Happy New Year's!