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Coming of Age Fantasy Funny

King Leo, sat gloomily in his Palace’s long breakfast room waiting to start breakfast. He always liked to have breakfast with his only son and heir, Prince Chris, who finally slouched in at the far end of the room. King Leo noted that Prince Chris’s finely embroidered clothes, made of the best cloth with impressive puffy shoulders, were crumpled and stained. The King said. “This is late, even for you.”

Standing, now at the walnut sideboard, helping himself to generous portions of bacon, eggs, sausage and tomatoes, the prince mumbled. “You know I like to sleep in.”

With saddened eyes, the King watched his son. “Will he ever grow up?” He thought.  “He’s all I have to eventually take my place and look after the dear people of Inchland . I’ve given him everything he wants and I know he’s not a bad boy but he has so much to learn”.

Prince Chris sat down with his mountain of breakfast and started tucking in.

King Leo said. “You don’t even look as though you have been to bed. You seem to spend more and more time in the ale houses of the red light district since I made you Mayor of Incy City.” Barely audible through a mouthful of breakfast the prince replied. “Yes, it seems so. They seem to like my patronage since we came to an understanding about their licences and my enjoyment”.

“Well, it’s time for such shenanigans to stop. Remember, tomorrow you have to take the Golden Carriage to collect Princess Karen from Longland and, as tradition dictates, escort her back to Incy City for your marriage ceremony.” The prince whined “But Dad can’t someone else, do it? It’s over sixty londons to Yardsburg. There might be robbers or wolves or who knows what?” “No son, you must do it. It’s your duty. But you’ll be quite safe. You will be escorted by twenty of the very best men from my Royal King’s Guard”.

So, the next day Prince Chris, mounted on his fine white stallion, leading a magnificent golden carriage pulled by six strong horses and with twenty impressive mounted soldiers, was en route to Longland.  Close to lunchtime, they noticed chimney smoke rising from a small cottage in a clearing by the road. There was a rich aroma of baking in the air so the Prince’s entourage stopped to investigate. Sure enough, there, cooling by the open kitchen window, was the best pie he had ever smelled. Without a second thought, Prince Chris dismounted, reached through the window and, helping himself, took a huge bite. He was intoxicated by the incredible taste of the best meat pie he had ever eaten. Then he heard “Hey you lot. What are you up to? Are you eating my pie?” A little, hunched old woman was hurrying slowly across the clearing holding a basking full of berries in one hand and shaking her fist at the prince with the other.

With a mouthful of pie, and taken by surprise, Price Chris said without thinking. “I invoke the Crown’s right of The Grasp and I take this pie for myself” Out of breath now, and furious, the old hag said ‘What, you dare invoke The Grasp? No one has done that for generations? Are you crazy?”

“I am Prince Chris, old crone and I am the son of King Leo the wise and sole heir to the throne of Inchland. I am on my way to Yardsburg and, as I was hungry. I have taken what is mine according to “The Grasp” Royal decree.”. He finished the pie jumped easily back onto his stallion and set off down the road with the old woman screaming after him. “It’s true what they say about Prince Chris. He really is a self-entitled little prick”.

When the noise of the entourage had subsided, the old woman went into her little cottage and collected jars from the shelves. She tipped small amounts of unrecognisable items into a big black pot already boiling over the fireplace and, stirring it, incanted,

“Toad’s fresh boil, ear of bat

Hear my word you spoiled young brat

When this boil bursts, your words shall reverse

Until you learn, you’ll live like this

Until you’re given true love’s first kiss”

Down the track, the prince coughed and spluttered as a gust of wind caught hold of the receding chimney’s smoke and blew it down into his face.

After a sleepless night in camp, the morning was very strange for the young prince. He found himself riding down the road shortly after dawn with no breakfast. When he had told the Captain that they would start early and get breakfast much later it was exactly the opposite of what he had meant to say.

It was then that he saw a young woman, a bag hanging from one shoulder and holding a basket, crouched near some trees by the side of the road. He noticed that she had long dark brown hair cascading over her shawl. The hair was glimmering as brightly in the sunshine as the early morning dew on the grass. Hearing the jangling and clatter of the Prince’s procession the girl looked up to see a sight she had never before witnessed. A convoy of soldiers with the grandest golden carriage preceded by a young man on the most handsome white horse you could imagine. Looking down at her from atop was a young man dressed in the finest travel leathers adorned with the royal crest of Inchland. He had thick blond curls that reached to his collar, eyes the colour of a cloudless blue sky and he had a jawline that would stop an army in its tracks. He was looking at her while also trying to see what was in her basket. He spoke. “I have no interest in what you are up to. Don’t show me what’s in your basket.”

“It’s only a few early morning mushrooms I’m collecting to take back for my dear Papa’s breakfast.”

All thoughts of hunger quickly evaporated, because looking up at him was a vision of true beauty. Everything about this girl affected him right down to the depths of his shallow vacuous heart. Her hair, kind lively eyes, perfect face and milky white skin combined with the way she spoke almost knocked him off his horse. He imagined long happy conversations lasting well into the night only to wake up the next morning to a smile that would put an autumn sunrise to shame. Not that he had ever witnessed a sunrise.

He had to have her. But how? Scarcely above a whisper he said. My god, you truly are the ugliest creature that I have ever seen. I never want to gaze on your putrid face again.”

The girl was aghast, and she registered immediate shock. But it was nothing compared to the shocked expression on this man’s face. Not knowing quite how to respond to such an insult she replied. “That’s the rudest thing anybody has ever said to me. In fact, you are the rudest person that I have ever met. Be on your way with your stupid golden carriage and poncy soldiers. Leave me alone”. The Captain of the King's Guard shouted at her from the front of the soldiers. “Shut your mouth girl. Nobody talks to Prince Chris like that. Mind your language or you’ll be in the stocks by lunchtime.”

Not wanting to be in the stocks and regretting her harsh words she stood and said “Please accept my apologies, your majesty. Here, take my mushrooms. My Papa will be glad that I have helped the sole heir to the throne of Inchland.

Prince Chris sat dumbly on his horse with his mouth hanging limply open. Why had he told the girl she was ugly? It was the exact opposite of what he meant. What was going on? This was the strangest day of his life. One thing he did know for sure was that he was looking at the love of his life and he had to have her no matter what. But what was the what? All he could think of, again on the spur of the moment, was ‘The Grasp”. Had it ever been used for a person before? He’d try. “I don’t invoke the Crown’s right of The Grasp and I don’t take this girl for anybody who wants her”.

Now everybody looked bewildered. Even the soldiers. Even the horse! The Captain of the King’s guard didn’t know what to do. The Prince had been acting strangely all morning but he was under instructions, from his beloved King, to look after and care for Prince Chris as if his life depended on it. He concluded that it would be best to have the young girl with them and maybe it would sort itself out later. He jumped off his horse, easily scooped the girl off her feet, and bundled her into the golden carriage flicking the outside lock before remounting his own horse.

As the procession rolled off down the road, leaving a basket of freshly picked mushrooms on the ground, there was silence except for the girl hammering her fists on the door and shouting. “Let me out? You are all as mad a bucket of frogs. And who is going to look after my Papa?”.

She was ignored by the soldiers but not Prince Chris. “What had just happened?” He thought. “Everything he had said today came out all wrong. How had the come to imprison the girl he loved? This was a mess and he didn’t know how to get out of it. He looked over his shoulder at the golden carriage with banging and shouting coming out of it. He turned and stared down at the pommel of his saddle knowing full well that twenty pairs of eyes from his guard were fixed on the back of his head. In the absence of anything better, he kept quiet.

They made camp that night close to the Longland border. With no orders from the Prince, the Captain had selected a flat, grass-covered clearing surrounded by large oak, ash and elm trees. The Prince ate his dinner in silence, never taking his eyes off the girl, who had been let out, under guard, to eat some food.

As darkness fell they heard the first howls of wolves. A little later, looking into the shadowy darkness they all saw at least fifteen pairs of red eyes reflected from the campfire that still crackled merrily. Then a low menacing growling increased in volume until a pack of ferocious wolves erupted from the trees charging directly at the campsite.

Prince Chris was alarmed and shocked but not scared. He wasn’t a coward and anyway, together with his King’s Guard, he would easily see off a pack of wolves. He jumped up, deftly drew his sword and shouted “Kittens! Run away men. Hide from as many of them as you can”. And then he charged, screaming, at the wolves.

The Prince came too with a dreadful headache only to discover that he could only open one eye. He reached up, noticing deep scratches on his arms. He felt a large bandage over his head which also covered his left eye. As his good eye came into focus, he saw that he was in a large unfamiliar well-appointed bedroom. He also saw both the Captain and the girl, getting up and coming over to his bed. Before he could speak the girl gently cupped his head in one hand and offered him a drink from a cup with the other. He was very thirsty and took a sip. It tasted disgusting and he coughed and spluttered. She said” I know it’s horrible but try and drink a little. It will help.” He did as she asked. How could he refuse? The Captain spoke next. 

“My Lord. You are lucky to be alive. We are all safely in Yardsburg now, but it was still many londons from the clearing where the wolves attacked and it is only because of Queenie, the young girl I captured, that you are still alive. By the time we had rescued you, you had sustained a serious head injury and were unconscious with a high fever. But Queenie stayed in the Golden Carriage with you, never sleeping and tending to your wounds with the medicines that she had in her bag.” Queenie smiled kind-heartedly and said, “I think that I have managed to save your eye but you will have a scar to be proud of down the side of your face.” The Captain said “We are all so glad that you are back my Lord. I must leave for now and send the good news back to your father in Incy City” And he left Prince Chris alone with Queenie.

As the fog cleared, the events of that night came back to him. The slashing of his sword, the frenzied attack of the wolves, and the captain shouting to help just before they were on him. And now here he was alone, in a bedroom, with the woman that he loved. He also remembered his inability to say what he meant. In fact, he always said the opposite. He thought. “I can’t subject this beautiful kind girl to incarceration and misery. I truly love her but it seems she doesn’t love me. It would be inhumane to keep her. I must free her so that she can get back to her dear Papa and live the happy life that she deserves. I will send her away so as to protect her from me forever. He watched as she silently tended his scratched body, gently applying an awful-smelling salve. As he spoke his voice cracked and failed, and a tear trickled from his one good eye. “I love you more than life itself and I would be truly honoured if you would stay with me forever”. It was still happening. That was the opposite of what he wanted to say. He wanted to save her from him. Not enslave her.

Queenie stopped and looked deeply into that single, vivid blue eye, and knew that he was telling the truth. A one-eyed severely injured prince lying helpless in his betrothed palace’s bed had swept her off her feet. Now she knew that she had known since the moment she first saw him. She loved him too. She relaxed, bent forward and kissed him tenderly on the lips. The kiss quickly became a passionate embrace which in turn became an eternal bond of love. Eventually, Queenie leaned back from him. The smell of that salve was a lot to endure. “I do love you,” he said. And this time it was exactly what he meant to say.

The old witch was just getting a fresh batch of pies out of the oven when she heard a familiar rattling and clip-clopping. “Oh no,” she said to herself. “Not again”. She quickly hid the pies and went outside. Sure, enough there were the soldiers, the carriage and the white stallion. But riderless. Suddenly the golden carriage door opened and out stepped the Prince, with a large bandage over his head, and then, to the witches’ surprise, he helped out the most beautiful woman that she had ever seen. Both were dressed in the finest clothes.

The Prince spoke. “ I know that you cast a reverse spell on me witch and now you are going to accompany me and my bride-to-be to Incy City”. What little colour there was in her wrinkled old face drained away as she realised that he wasn’t speaking backwards and that she was now to be dragged off to the capital of Inchworld to be executed, for bewitching The Prince continued “I deserved what you did. However, your magical meddling lead to me fall in love with my beautiful bride and she, with me. Now though, your witching days are over. Gathering her wits somewhat she said. “Word was you were to marry Princess Karen of Longland and that’s not her”.

“You’re right, this is Queenie. Princess Karen was more than happy when I explained the situation to her. She much prefers the fairer sex anyway and, after a bit of explaining to her father, it was agreed that she would marry the love of her life, Lady Sadie. So, if you’d be so kind as to pack your belongings, we’ll be on our way. Oh. You can bring that fresh batch of pies you have just hidden too.”

“If it’s all the same to you, your Majesty. I’d rather stay here.”

“Hear my proposal first. The third thing that I will do when we get back, after marring my bride and asking my father to abolish “The Grasp”, will be to offer you the job of overseeing the baking of as many pies as possible to be distributed, weekly, to all the lonely old folk across the kingdom. And I think we’ll deliver them in this golden carriage. We can call it Dinners in a Carriage”. Queenie spoke for the first time. “How about Meals on Wheels”. The Prince agreed wholeheartedly and Prince Chris, Princess Queenie and everyone else lived happily ever after.

February 01, 2023 01:49

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