Jealous Is Me

As I came out of the toilets into the hall, music was blaring, lights were dazzling I wondered where my husband was. He was always the center of attention, drinking too much, laughing and having fun with everyone. Although not model handsome, he was definitely handsome, without a doubt. I smiled to myself, thinking how much I loved him and our little family. We had a nice house, horses, dogs and all the things I had wished for, growing up.

I was a Southern country girl at heart and he was a Northern country lad. We had met through horses, it is what we had both done for a living before we married and had children, he still had a career riding and selling horses and I had, had kids and was struggling to stay thin and look beautiful. All in all it was pretty good but sometimes I wondered about the pretty girls in tight jodhpurs that giggled and flashed their perfect white teeth at him. I guess before we met I was one of them, adoring and besotted by his charm. He was a cheeky chappy, forever young and nothing was a problem kind of guy. Talented beyond words on a horse, which meant he could cajole any old nag to jump hedges, go over ditches and parade around like an Olympic showjumper. Then sell them for thousands. I was slightly envious to be honest but very proud of my hubby. His name is Ward. Mine is Rose. I am quiet and a great pretender. I pretend to be someone but feel like no-one special. Just a mum and wife, but I try to be a good one.  

Amidst the noise and lights, I can feel a presence. Ward is walking towards me and by his side is one of those girls, the teeth flashing, young, thin, big bosomed. Need I go on! type. They are so close, I can see electricity bouncing off them. He came over flushed not hiding the excitement he was obviously feeling. I felt my body inwardly shudder, my heart seemed awkwardly heavy and I forced a smile. He was like a puppy dog with two tails I thought nastily. “Rose, meet Pen, sorry Penelope” “ Wow, you’ve already got nicknames” I said sarcastically, Oh my, I thought, I actually said that out loud. Ward shot me a harsh look “Hello Penelope” I said with a gracious smile. “Hello Rose, we have just been admiring your horses in the field” What the hell I thought, admiring my horses at 10 pm at night. Who the hell is this jumped up, snotty nosed, skinny assed, horrible, horrible woman.

Suddenly, a man stood up and beckoned everyone over for the raffle to begin. I made a bid for freedom excusing myself and sprinting for the ladies. Telling myself to breathe slowly, The wine must have rushed to my head, why do I feel this panic, I had never seen my husband like this before. There was body language so intense, that I could not bare. I sat on the toilet seat feeling a desperate sadness. That's it! I told myself. Many had warned me, I had always thought it was too good to be true. The handsome talented guy, wanting me. Why was I so stupid, why and what about the kids? Do I leave right away? What actually was my husband doing out in the field with another woman? Big, huge tears fell from my eyes. I could hear cheers outside in the hall. "Come on", I told myself. I opened the door and went to the mirror. Washed my face and looked at my reflection. My eyes flashed even more green than usual in a slightly crazy way. I gave myself a smile, whispering to myself ”Please, be cool”. As I came out, Ward was sat, next to Penelope, again strangely too close for comfort. I sat opposite, they carried on giggling. Anger filled every part of my body, I had on rather old fashioned leather stilettos with a point as hard as nails. With all my might I kicked out striking my victim right dead on the shin. “What the” Ward loudly jumped, then stopped himself. “I want to go” I said “I don’t” he answered in a defiant tone. “Are you serious, what is going on” I said softly, with no hesitation or care, he muttered “You can go , if you need to get back for the children” Fuming I jumped up, glanced at the grinning Cheshire cat beside him, had she put a magic spell on him? What was happening, how had we gone from the perfect couple, I admit, maybe not perfect but to nothing in one night.

I got in the Range Rover, slammed the door. Tears streaming, hands shaking, disbelief at what was really happening. All the way back, I took my pain out on my poor Rangy, shoving and grating gears. Speeding, breaking and then finally skidding on the gravel yard, little stones flying up chipping the paint work. I didn’t care!. I put my hand on my head, sobbing uncontrollably. Slowly pulling myself together, I wiped my eyes, looked up at the stairs and the moon. It was a clear night, my Mother was looking after the children, She wasn’t expecting me to be back yet, so I crept to the stable, my horse quietly, whinnied and I buried my head in his mane. Life was never fair I thought. You think you're doing well and then somebody comes along and knocks you back down. No matter how many good years you have, a disaster occurs and blows everything up into smithereens.

This was the story of my life and sure enough it was happening again. There was only one thing to do, I rummaged around in my secret old bag hidden under an old horse rug, a flask of port and a rolled up fag . I shuffled down onto a nearby mound of hay, wrapped the old, hairy horse rug around myself, lit the fag and took a drag. The moon was peeping through the open top door, I raised my flask and said “cheers” to my horse and the moon. 

I awoke to the sound of giggles and my Mother chattering away to the kids. I smiled with a strange feeling of sadness. Tears fell down my face, I didn’t even know how I had got back to the house. I was laid on the sofa, still in the dress from the night before. Feeling pretty grim, I murmured “I’m going for a shower, you OK Mum” “Hello darling, all fine, are you?” “Not really Mum, but I really need a shower” My mother was the sweetest most treasured person in my life, she came over and said nothing, just gave me the biggest hug. "Ward bought you in last night, he was limping and had a nasty bruise on his shin” she chuckled "Did he deserve it", “I think so”, I answered. Hugged her hard back and waved to the kids with a smile. They had stopped giggling, realizing something was wrong. “Come on let's go and feed the horses some carrots" my Mother said, diverting the children's attention. I ran upstairs fighting back the tears, I turned the shower on, feeling the hot soapy water on my skin, I tried to wash all my toxic thoughts and grubby smoky smells of the night before away. 

I suddenly jumped, holding my hands, covering my body. The image through the shower glass was Ward. “What the hell was wrong with you last night?” he shouted. Ward rarely shouted, but when he did you knew he was mad. “What was wrong with you, I’m surprised you're not still in bed with your floozy” “My floozy, whatever do you mean, you crazy woman” “ Sending me home! not coming home with me! you must think I’m stupid, did you both have a good laugh at me, your silly wife?” I gulped, trying to fight the tears back, standing pathetic in nakedness. He started to laugh "You are silly, I would never hurt you, I was excited over selling that old horse for loads of money to Penelope” I flinched as he said her name. “Rose, I could see you were mad with jealousy so I wound you up and played her, I am truly sorry, I should never have done that! I went too far. I have to talk to people to make a living for us but that’s as far as it goes, I promise” I sighed, I had to believe, for the kids, for my world to carry on.

I was a little ashamed, I had felt and sounded like a jealous fish wife. I got out and sidled up to Ward, how could I resist this cheeky northern lad who still hadn’t realized how incredibly sexy he was yet. “ You should be sorry! I love you, how's your leg?” I asked with a laugh “You cheeky Mare, Bloody agony! You’ve got a kick like a donkey” he joked sweeping me up his arms.