One last apology

Sarah sat at her table, and took a moment to glance at the setting sun through her bay window. The day seemed longer than it was, as was the case with summers in the desert. With sweat dripping down the nape of her neck, and the sweet scent of honey wafting through the open window segment, Sarah set down her tea and opened her laptop. After a slow whirring, the antiquity finally brought her back into the modern age. 

“Another notification. Great.”

The name, however, was.It was a name she hadnt seen in decades. One she hadn’t expected to see in her inbox again. 

“Sarah, I hope this finds you well. I was wandering if you were available to meet Thursday afternoon for coffee? Id like to catch up, if possible.

Tiffany”

It took a moment for Sarah to realize she wasnt breathing. Her mouth was open, her chest, rising, and yet, no air seemed to be moving through her lungs. Why after all this time? She had been the first to reach out before, but not in years. Tiffany had been a light bulb on Sarah’s screen. A name that shuffles through her social media a handful of times a month. A bittersweet memory. Why now? Finally catching her breath, her response was short. Sure. Lets meet at the Speakeasy, about 4:30. Sarah ignored the rest of her notifications and closed her laptop. With a deep sigh, Sarah took her tea to the bath. As steam rose, and the scent of lilac and eucalyptus filled the air, Sarah did her best to ignore the idiosyncrasies she was so prone to. She pushed away the thoughts of why, and why now. The memories she had long ago compartmentalized tried to reach her consciousness were muffled under the bubbles. Flaring her nostrils, Sarah pushed the bubbles away. She didnt want to revisit those memories. That pain. She loved Tiffany like a sister. But seeing her again brought Sarah back to a time of heartache. Tiffany and Sarah were best friends. For a little. 

“I wonder what she could possibly want?”

As she settled in for what was obviously going to be a restless evening, Sarah’s last conscious breath took in the flood of memories that would take over her dreams. 

Her bloodshot eyes stunned the barista into a silence mid greeting. Not yet ready to make the effort to be a proper human, let alone a boss, Sarah simply tapped at the third option on this week’s specials, and pulled out her wallet. She placed a 10 dollar bill on the counter and walked away without a word.She sat at her usual table, opened her laptop, and turned into the covert spy that was part of her day job: monitoring her employees while they navigated through the vital first years of yet another coffee and tea shop. She wasnt ready for that evenings meeting with Tiffany. Erring on the side of caution, she was the first to suggest her own shop to meet in. At least then, there was some amount of proof. There was some amount of safety. With Tiffany, with their history, she never really knew what to expect after their fallout. Then again she didnt exactly expect the fallout. These years looking back didnt clarify things the way she was led to believe. She still hurt. The lies, the betrayal...Was it betrayal? Could it even be classified as that? And then there was the million dollar question: Did Sarah forgive her? All these years later, even Tiffany’s name brought the pain back. Sarah closed her laptop and looked out the window. With a quick sweep, she noticed the disarray the patio was in.

“Evan,” she commanded. 

The newest of the bus boys scrambled to her table. “Yes ma’am?”

“Why is the patio in such distress?”

“I… Im not… I dont know ma’am,” Evan stammered. 

“Let’s fix it.”

Leaving her laptop in the corner, Sarah took the opportunity to distract herself. She and Evan took to the patio, and began to clean. 

An hour later, the patio, as well as several other opening deeds, were finished, and Sarah settled back into her corner with her third cup of coffee. But she was still distracted. With her first sip, she watched as the keyholder unlocked the door to Speakeasy. The rolling bookshelf door rose on its wheels, with the obvious book pulley visible to allow customers to open the doors. Sarah sat back and observed the goings on. Everyone moved so smoothly, even with her presence known. The comradery between employees and managers reminded her of her time at her longest held job at a sports bar and arcade. There were so many jokes to be had, and they became family. She knew she made the right choices in employees. This was exactly what she wanted. She saw how that kind of comradery, and the strong leadership, allowed everyone to not only have a positive work experience, but to grow within their positions and companies, and become better leaders as a result. She smiled, and set her coffee down. She turned her attention to her laptop, and tried to focus on the deeds of the day. 

Before she was able to realize it, it was 3:45. The morning shift had long gone, and the afternoon shift had made their way behind the counter. High School students part of a program that allows them some part time work as long as they keep their grades up and shadowed supervisors and managers once a month to improve on their leadership skills. That was a project she knew she could get behind. She took the time to check in with the shift supervisors, overlook the daily checklist, and help the afternoon rush a little bit with the drinks. As Tiffany walked in, Sarah finished taking inventory of the alcohol and kitchenette to make sure Speakeasy was ready for its happy hour/tapas hour. As she looked up and saw Tiffany, a faint smile came up. Sarah looked to one of the managers and requested a carafin of the house cold brew to be brought to the table, along with that afternoon’s tapas sampler special. She emerged from the bar, and extended her hand to meet Tiffany’s. 

“Good afternoon. I hope you found this place alright.”

“I did actually! This is one of my favorite go to’s, especially for meetings.I didnt know you worked here!” 

Sarah heard the tone in Tiffany’s voice. The very small glee that she had the financial upper hand in this situation. Sarah saw the carafe and tapas sampler being brought out to their table. She led Tiffany to her table, and they sat down as the order came. Sarah smiled at the waiter, another new girl, and thanked her. 

“Actually, Im one of the owners.”

A small cloud quickly moved over Tiffany’s emerald eyes. 

“Ah. Then congratulations!  Its so great that this business became so successful so quickly!”

“It is! I am constantly grateful for my business partner and for the continued loyalty of the patrons who frequent here. So, what did you want to talk about?”

“Right. Down to business. I forgot you werent much for small talk.”

“ Nor for beating around  the bush.”

“Well, the thing is: I wanted to apologize for what had happened all those years ago.”

“Oh, the lies you spread? Im sorry, I meant, the truths you exaggerated. Right?”

Tiffany’s head drooped a little bit.

“Yeah. You had ended the friendship not too long prior, and I just wanted to pull out in front.”

Sarah sat back confidently and took a sip of the cold brew. Her eyebrows shot up, surprised at the complimentary taste it had brought up. “Ok. And it seemed that you had.”

“Right.” Tiffany replied. She sampled the tortilla tower: tortilla chips that were layered and separated by dallops of pico de gallo and guacamole. “I just… Life hasnt worked out the way that I thought it would. After Sean and I divorced, I realized that there was no sense of security in my life. No true friendships. In the process of trying to look best, I seemed to have pushed away the people that mattered most. Including you.”

Sarah nodded in understanding. “ I see. Im sorry for your divorce.” 

“It was a long time coming. Honestly, we were not the match we thought we would be.”

“So, what brings you around today?” Sarah was tired of the life story. The more she sat there, the more she realized she had outgrown the personality. 

“ I want your forgiveness. I want my friend back.”

“Right.” 

At that moment, Sarah realized something. She had outgrown Tiffany long before their friendship had been severed. It almost seemed to have been defective from the start. And she didnt want that in her life. 

“I dont think thats going to happen Tiff.”

“Why not?”

“Not that I owe you an explanation, but heres a short one: I am very specific about the people I surround myself these days, and frankly, Im not interested in reentering a relationship that I cannot rely on.”

Tiffany seemed speechless. “But… We were best friends.What happened?”

“Tiffany… You were fake. You led me to believe we were good friends, and then I was excluded from more than just your company. Im not interested in that cycle happening all over again.”

“I see. Ill just… get going then…”

“Tiffany.”

As Tiffany turned around, Sarah stood and walked to her, with the rest of the cold brew in a to go cup.

“I appreciate the effort. And I hope that whatever life brings to you will be better than before.  Have a great day.”

Sarah walked Tiffany to the door, and stood in the awning as Tiffany slid into her car and drove off. It was then that she had realized something about herself. She left portals to her past, in one form or another. Originally created in hopes of revenge, she would revisit these portals on occasion. She would check to compare her success to theirs. Her happiness to theirs. The more she would visit, missing them also became a pain revisited as well. It was revisited, until, one day... One day she realized it was no longer them she missed. It was the part of her that believed that life would be hers. That family she could one day call her own. She missed the part of her that believed the love felt there was real, and mutual. That part of her was bursting with hope. She missed that. She also missed the part of her that wished happiness, instead of revenge. She also realized she cut people out of her life that she felt no longer deserved access to observe her growth or success. In some cases, she regretted it. She even tried rekindle some of them, and failed. As Tiffany drove off, she wondered which category she fell in: revenge, or unable to rekindle? She finally got around to checking her personal social media platforms, and decided to linger on Tiffany’s. A status update:

Feeling disappointed: “not all things align. Not all pasts can be fixed. Not all relationships could be fixed. I didnt realize what I lost until it was too far gone to be fixed, and I have nothing better to do than to accept it for what it is. I will try to be better from now on.”

Sarah smiled. It could have been both revenge and unrekindleable. She didnt know if she could ever forgive Tiffany, or take her back into that trust that came with a friendship. But she could accept that, whether it was sincere or not, an attempt at an apology had been made, and that she accepted.

Sarah pressed the care react on the post. 

‘You are forgiven. Just not a part of me anymore,’ Sarah thought. With that, she closed her phone and went back inside.