The Summer of 2020

September 4th, 2020 8:24 PM

Los Angeles, California. This is the place to be. The rich and famous live here; actors, singers, and celebrities of every sort. It is a beautiful city, and large enough to find something new about it everyday, though this might be a bad thing for me because I’m really bad at directions as it is. I remember dreaming about the days that I would live here, and it is surreal that this is my reality, but something doesn’t feel right. I’m laying on the hood of my car right now, staring up at the sky just trying to figure out what’s off. Side note: Los Angeles usually has pollution in the sky, but tonight it looks clearer and I can actually see the stars. It kind of reminds me of home, though here I will never have to smell the manure on the dairy farms which is a plus. I miss home. And now that I think about it, I actually miss that smell of manure on the dairy farm behind my house. Well, maybe I don’t miss that as much as other things. There was something about living in a small town that LA doesn’t have. If I was home right now, I probably would be on the only scenic hill in our town, the one where everybody goes on Friday nights to pass time because there is nothing else to do. I would probably be with my friend who is a boy but not my boyfriend (even though I know he wanted me to be his girlfriend and he knew I wanted him to be my boyfriend). We would be sitting together with the windows rolled down, listening to my favorite song even though he didn’t like it. He would tell me how my blue eyes looked beautiful in the moonlight, and even though he knew that I knew that he liked me, he would never tell me that he did. I remember this frustrating me so much because we spent every summer afternoon together, watching the sunset on our favorite hill. We would talk for hours, about anything and everything, and like LA, I remember finding something new to like about him every time we talked. I dated a few boys in high school, and they were all completely opposite of me. (Note to self: no more popular boys or jocks!) I dated because I was looking for somebody to date, not because of it naturally happening. This boy that I saw last summer was different. We met in my AP English class, and he would never talk to me. Every once in a while he would ask what I wrote for an essay, or he would ask me for help, but it was always strictly business. I was dating somebody at the time, and he was on and off with his girlfriend too, so I never looked at him in that way, and I’m sure he didn’t look at me in that way either until summer came. It was funny how we became friends because now that I think about it, it pretty much doesn’t surprise me at all. Somehow we got loaded into the same game together while playing Fortnite, and from there we just started playing with each other on a daily basis. Sooner or later (more like later) that turned into texting each other everyday, and then slowly started becoming phone calls and Facetime calls. I miss those summer nights where we talked until 4 in the morning, and the only reason we stopped talking was because one of us fell asleep before we could say goodnight. I miss having somebody to call when I had good news and just HAD to share it. I miss having

 him. He was special. He was the kind of person that always had my back, and never let me feel as though I was worth less than I am. He gave me confidence that I never had, and showed me how beautiful I really am inside and out. How could he make me feel so many things when he never even told me that he liked me one time? He did show it. But he never said it, maybe because he didn’t have to. Regardless, I missed him and every good moment that we had together. He turned into my best friend in such a short amount of time. Don’t get me wrong, I still had my girls, but for some reason it was just different with him. We never held hands or kissed, or even really showed any type of affection, but our connection was so deep that it felt as though we were attached by the soul. I know they say that you have one soulmate, but I genuinely believe that you can have multiple, or at least I hope so. A soulmate to me can mean multiple things. In my case, he was my soulmate but in a friend way. He was somebody who I knew I could potentially date because of how connected we were, but our friendship was so strong and so deep that it just didn’t make sense to even risk any of that for a lousy relationship. He was my person, and I don’t think anything could ever change that. But am I just playing it safe? Maybe if we did risk our friendship for a relationship, he would be my person for life. And if our connection was so pure that nothing could change it, then why would we not try to be together just to see what happens? Why am I barely thinking about this after I moved away? And most importantly, why am I thinking about dating a guy that never even admitted that he liked me? Have I gone crazy? There must be something in the polluted Los Angeles air that is driving me mad because there is no way that he would want to risk our friendship for a relationship. Or would he? I’m so conflicted. Maybe I should call him, or maybe I should just spend the rest of my night staring at this beautiful night sky, waiting for him to call me.