Memories

The day was a sunny and glorious day and I was walking along the store fronts. We had so much rain lately that I was enjoying the warmth and solitude as I looked for a gift for my son. He was about to turn 17. Time has flown by. It seems like he was just a five year old, coming out of his room at bed time with stickers on his belly. He was not tired apparently and came out with his infectious grin, wanting to show us his "masterpiece!" How could you not laugh? Now he was almost 17, a junior in high school, perusing a more permanent job than seasonal work. Tyler was tall and lanky, sometimes moody, sometimes so sweet it touched your heart! I believe he has strong empathy qualities. He feels what I feel. Our family had been through a rough time. My eldest son had passed away, coming up on four years ago. Tyler had stayed up with me part of the night before he passed. He is no artist by any means, but he wanted to draw Danyel something. He wrote and drew just a simple "I love you Danyel" sketch with a figure I took to be him. He drew a simple heart on another sheet. On one more sheet he drew an American flag for his brother, who had planned on going into the military and who Tyler wanted to follow in his footsteps in this dream. Danyel and he fought like cats and dogs sometimes. However, Tyler really did look up to his brother. Danyel liked the attention and loved being the older brother. Now that Tyler is the eldest brother, second in line to his sister, he is trying to fill the expectations he thinks goes with being the bigger brother. I think even to his sister, who is older by two years, but he just wants to protect her because he's the man. He cares for his siblings, though he doesn't show it. His younger brother has followed in the boys' footsteps as well, joining the JROTC in high school with plans for the military later. Our family has many who've served in the military and we are a proud bunch! We love our God, our country, and our family.

I came upon a store that had some electronics in it and went in to take a look. Being a teenager, Ty, as he's also called, had a love for games and I thought I might be able to find something in there for him. I'm not much of a gamer myself, but I thought I might find something with racing, which I approve. He does like boxing games, too, among others. I wandered around, not seeing much exactly what I was looking for. I decided to go check out another store and walked back outside and ran into my dad. I stepped alongside him and we talked about the upcoming birthday party and what we were going to do. He was apparently out looking for a present too. He is such a fun, loving "Pappy". He loves his grandkids and is such a kid himself! He always has time for them. He loves taking them four-wheeling, target practicing (even when its 20 degrees and windy outside), hunting rabbits, swinging on vines... you name it and he's willing to do it! He is an adventure seeker. And today, he's seeking a present.

My gut churns and there's a hollow-ness inside me. I feel like wailing out and I don't know why. My heart hurts and I'm baffled. Where did this hurt come from? Where is this grief bubbling up from? I'm with my dad, it's a beautiful day, and we're searching a way to celebrate my son. Why is there darkness inside my soul? I try to focus my thoughts back on the present.

We passed by a car show that neither of us knew was going on. Man, was he excited! He started pointing out types of cars and telling me what they were and what kind of engines they had. His love for cars, especially old ones, was not shared by me! However, I did love the excitement he had. This was his and my mom's passion. They would enter car shows and win trophies and be celebrated for their cars and they loved it! He grabbed my hand in excitement and pulled me to an especially nice corvette. He knew I'd love it because it was purple. He kept a hold of my hand and tugged me along: all the while my heart was pounding with an underlying fear. Why? It was a picture perfect afternoon, spent with my dad. Why would my sorrow be swelling up now? Why did I have sorrow? Was it because I knew he would have loved to show my eldest these cars? Was it because of the missing child that I was missing bonding moments with? Was it a poignant reminder that my son, whom we were finding presents for, would soon be on his way and the time together with our loved ones was so special? It weighed heavily on me.

We got so caught up in looking at the cars that we didn't realize that it was nearing lunch. We decided to grab a bite. We went to a diner down the road and decided we'd put aside our "healthy lifestyle" for a moment and have a burger! We did settle on a nice side salad too, but then compensated and added a milkshake! He was a sucker for milkshakes. We sat and chatted about life and my kids and the other grandkids and my brothers and of course my mom and just how good God is. He's always been an easy conversationalist. One of the topics we discussed, especially since it was closest to Tyler's birthday, was his anniversary coming up with the department of correction. He retired from the Air Force after 26 ears of service. He had started out as active duty, which earned us children different birthplaces. Between active duty and full time National Guard, he did work some odd jobs, but then he went back into the military. After retiring in 2002, he started searching and found working as a correctional guard in a prison was a good fit for him. He started in February of 2003. Hence the anniversary. We had a marvelous lunch and conversation and were ready to get back out there and try to find the right present. We decided to go to the auto parts store. He picked up a decal for Tyler's car, and I got him a car cleaning kit.

Not seeing any other gift idea stores near us, we agreed to part ways and continue our search elsewhere. I reminded him of the time for the party the following weekend and gave him a hug. I felt like I held on just a little tighter, just a little longer. The sadness welled up once again. Without knowing exactly why, I started tearing up. I felt confused and my throat felt tight. He looked at me with compassion that so often covered his face with love for me and told me he loved me. "I love you too, Daddy! I'll see you next weekend. Have a great week!" We walked away.

My phone rang and shakily, I tried to answer it; I choked on a sob and couldn't even say hello. I collapsed on the sidewalk and sobbed, my heart wrenched out of my chest. I felt immobilized by the grief coming out of me! I trembled with a "knowing" yet not knowing what it was. After what seemed like forever, body achy with grief, I opened my eyes only to stare at my bedroom wall. The realization came back to me that my dad had also went home to be with the Lord a year and half ago.

Body stiff with the exertion of my dream, I struggled to get up and get moving. My heart-beats were slowly subsiding as I remembered. The peace of knowing where he is once again, dawned upon me. The current day's events unfolded in my mind and I quietly tucked this memory of a dream in my mind and heart and thanked God for the memory of my dad and the memory of his voice that came to me.