Stone Cold

I hadn’t seen the snow in years. In fact, I hadn’t been anywhere this cold in a long time. Though, this year, I finally came back. Looking out the window, the snow was fluttering down, gracefully and delicately. Mesmerizing. Beautiful. 

I blinked a few times, almost forgetting why I was here. I slowly got up and glanced around again. I was in a small boring house that I still owned, though it didn’t feel like it was mine. The exterior was rarely seen, as there were no neighbors nearby. The inside though, the inside used to be warmth, happiness, belonging, but now it feels as cold as the outside. The walls were filled with old paintings, the cheap, ugly ones that you find at garage sales. I’m surprised I used to love these things. I’m surprised at how much heartache I feel when I look at them. There were collections of coins, figurines, painted rocks, and puzzles that we never completed. Odd bits and pieces scattered on shelves. Some with small chips and cracks, they looked like they'd been loved.

I silently explored the almost empty, old cabinets that once held all our memories. I had brought the expensive things to my new house the last time I was here. I wanted the priceless items to always stay here, where they were cherished. Like the cookie cutters and the candle holders that make my breath catch and my eyes tear up when I see them.

I walked back over to the window and gazed out. It was early evening and almost dark out. I could feel goosebumps crawling up my arms as I took shaky breaths. The snow was just snow, light flurries of frozen water, yet, they feel bizarre. Just looking at the snow felt surreal. Like I was in a perfect dream where I hadn’t woken up yet. Perfect, but not really.

This house used to be my home. It’s no longer anyone’s home.

I impulsively pushed open the front door and stared out at the field of nothing. I walked outside into the cold. The sky was cloudy, and I felt the snow land in my hair. My sweater wasn’t waterproof, and neither were my pajama pants, but that didn’t matter to me. I knelt in the snow. It was light and fluffy. The cold was numbing. 

Everything is covered in a white blanket for as far as I can see. No one is here except for me. There are no footprints except for the ones made by my own boots. The ground was blank. Nothing. Alone.

I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. I instead fell down to the ground. I laid there for a moment, hugging my knees to my chest.

The last time we were together, we were here.

Asher had smiled at me from across the room, and I had smiled back. He was only visiting, though, along with my other best friends. Mia had tried to sneak a cookie off the tray I had just pulled out the oven.

“Ah!” She shouted, burning herself and subsequently dropping the cookie.

“That’s your own fault!” I called back, this had not been the first time she tried stealing a cookie before it was ready. Caden almost fell off his chair laughing, and Emily reluctantly handed him a dollar. They must’ve made a bet on what Mia was going to do. I washed my hands and threw my oven mitts into a cabinet above the sink. Caden, Emily, and Mia had started another argument about something. It probably involved the new puzzle they had brought with them and had been working on. That puzzle was never finished.

Later that night, when I thought everyone was asleep, I had gone outside for a walk. I had brought a tall white candle with me, placed on a golden candle holder. The orange fire pulsed as I opened the front door. In the dim light, I breathed in the cool air and out a cloudy puff.

I heard the door behind me creak open. Asher appeared, bundled up in a puffy bright, red, sweater and a completely clashing, olive green scarf. I smiled in the hazy light and pointed in the direction of a lake near the house. He knew where we were going. We could’ve both walked the path blindfolded.

Once there, we had stood side by side and admired the view, we had watched the stars and had seen the moon. We heard the occasional bird and occasional mouse scurrying by. 

And when the candle had melted to half its original size, we headed back home.

They all left the next morning, and they can’t ever come back.

News took a long time to arrive here. This was the middle of nowhere, after all. It was just one plane, one technical problem, and too many deaths. Yet it was a week until I was informed. And another week until I moved out. And 154 weeks until I came back.

Exactly three years.

I felt numb all over, like I was going to disappear. I never wanted to come back, but here I was. Drowning inside myself. I never knew what I was going to do with this place once I moved out. I couldn’t bear to sell it, but I never came back until now. I had tried so hard to ignore it and move on. The wind blew some snow into the air, and I wanted to lie on this blanket of cold forever.

But instead, I pushed myself onto my feet, and I told myself to walk. I walked aimlessly, with my head down and eyes closed. I shivered occasionally. The world was silent, except for my boots crunching on the snow.

When I finally stopped walking, I was at the lake. I opened my eyes to see it frozen over. It always was at this time of year. It always will be. I found and picked up a small rock next to me. I threw it as hard as I could. I watched it fly from my hand. It hit the frozen lake, like I wanted. But there was no shatter in the ice. I heard the rock slide to a stop. I stared blankly out towards the lake, hunched over and shaking from the walk and the cold. 

I picked up another rock from next to me. This one was smaller and lighter than the first rock. I threw it too. Then I picked up another rock. It had a more irregular shape and a sandy texture. I bent down and picked up two more rocks. One at a time, I threw them. I waited until each rock landed and went silent before throwing the next one. The frozen lake stayed strong, refusing to crack from the rocks.

I closed my eyes again, trying to remember how we laughed together. How I felt so much like I belonged. Good things never lasted long enough. I opened my eyes. The memories are all I have left of them. They are gone, but I am not.

I took a step forward. Then another. Then another. Until I was one step away from the lake. Behind me is where I stood with Asher, three years ago. Even further behind me is where I made my last memories with my best friends. I take a deep breath. 

And I take one last step, forward, onto the frozen lake.