My Father's son

TW: Suicide, mental health

Dear Diary,

Today, Daddy and I were going for a boy’s day, but he wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to stay in his room, so Mommy and I prayed for Daddy to feel better and then we went for ice cream. On the way home we stopped at the store and I got a new toy truck. It’s red with blue stripes.

Ricky.

Dear Diary,

Today we were supposed to go to the zoo. Daddy said he didn’t feel like going. I think daddy is sick again, but I heard Mommy yelling at him. Mommy didn’t pray with me this time for Daddy to get better, but she took me for ice cream again and said that we would go to the Zoo next week. 

Ricky.

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, Daddy didn’t wake up to take me to school. When I told Mommy, she came in and read a note that Daddy left for her, then called the doctor to come get him. The police came too, and I got to sit in the police car with the lights on. Grandma said I didn’t have to go to school and took me to pick out a new toy. Before bed, I prayed for Daddy to get better.

Ricky.

Dear Diary,

Today, we spent the whole day at the church. I got lots of hugs and snacks today. Everyone says Daddy went to a better place. I think that means he went somewhere to get better. When he gets back, he will feel better and we can go to the zoo. He still hasn’t seen the truck that Grandma got me. He will like it because it is green. Green is his favourite color. Before bed, I prayed that I would see Daddy soon.

Ricky.

Dear Diary,

Today I built a Lego tower with all the pieces. Daddy talked about it, so I wanted to do it for him. I told Mommy I wasn’t going to take it apart so Daddy could see it when he comes back. Mommy says he saw me build it, but she didn’t take a picture or anything, so I’m not sure how. If he can see me like she says, why doesn’t he talk to me? I prayed that Daddy would come home soon.

Ricky.

Dear Diary,

Today Mom took me to see Dad’s grave. I miss him a lot. I know he is looking out for me and I try to make him proud. I still have the green truck on my shelf, I don't play with it anymore, but it reminds me of him. Mom is still sad a lot. She cried on my first day of secondary school. She said I looked so handsome in my uniform and he would have been proud of me. In school, I have been learning about God’s plan, but I don’t understand why he took my dad. Father Luke says I need to keep praying for the answer, and that God will show me the way.

Rick.

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I got excited in the showers and the other boys laughed at me. Two of the boys found me afterwards in the locker room and pushed me into the corner. They called me gay and punched me in the stomach. I didn’t want to talk to mom about it, so I talked to Father Luke. He said it happens sometimes and to not worry about the other boys. I am worried though, because I think the boys might be right and I am actually gay. Sometimes I get excited when I think about them in the shower. I know this is wrong and God will think I am a sinner. Before bed, I pray for forgiveness for my sinful thoughts.

Rick.

Dear Diary,

Last week, mom caught me kissing Jake, the neighbor boy. She told me that God and Dad were watching and would be angry with me. Grandma wanted to send me to a camp, but Mom just sent me to Father Luke to repent. I told them Jake misled me and I was confused. After we prayed for forgiveness, Father Luke said I needed to start dating girls, so last night I went to the teen dance at the church and danced with a few of the girls. The one girl, Amy, kissed me afterwards. I wasn’t really excited around her, but she seemed to like me a lot. I was happy knowing that I made her happy. I think Mom would be happy with her too. Father Luke says she comes from a good family that helps the church a lot. Before bed, I pray that I will learn to like Amy as much as she likes me. 

Rick.

Dear Diary,

In 3 weeks I will marry Amy. I’m still not attracted to her, but she is a good woman and will make a good mother. We have a lot in common. During the week, we do crafts together and watch reality TV. After the wedding, we are hoping to drive to New York and see a show on Broadway. She treats me very well and is very good to Mother. She comes to help at the house a lot and they go shopping together. Her family is paying for the entire wedding and put the down payment on our new house. I get along well with her mother but I still struggle to find things to talk about with her father. I know I will find a way. Before bed, I will pray that our wedding will go perfect for Amy.

Rick.

Dear Diary,

I know I need to write more often but the last year has been busy and difficult. Right after the wedding, everyone was pressuring us to have a child. Amy and I don’t seem to have sexual chemistry, but we were able to get pregnant and she will give birth to our son soon. I’m supposed to feel happy, but I feel like the world is closing in on me. Fighting my sinful urges is difficult and I ask God to help me, but so far he hasn’t answered. Sometimes I slip and find solace on the internet when no one is home, but I know God is watching. I need to find a way to suppress these thoughts and be the man I’m supposed to be. I want more than anything to make Amy happy, but I already feel us drifting. I think she might know I’m not attracted to her, but we both know we cannot divorce, so we will have to work through it. Tonight, I will pray for God to show me the path.

Rick.

Diary,

Today, I was supposed to take my son to the Zoo, but I wasn’t feeling up to it. I haven’t been sleeping well lately and I know I wouldn’t be any fun anyway. To be honest, I haven’t really felt motivated to do anything lately. Amy and I sleep in separate rooms now, and it takes a lot of energy for us to go out together and put on a show for everyone. The rest of my energy goes to fighting my urges. I saw Jake at the grocery store the other day and had to come home and take a cold shower. God has not given me the strength I keep asking for. Our son is wonderful and I hope he doesn’t grow up to be like me. I am such a disappointment as a father. Tonight, once again, I will pray for strength.

Rick.

Dear Amy, 

I think we can both agree that the last few years have been difficult. I know you have been doing your best, and I believe that God gave you the resolve that he didn’t give me. I want you to know that none of this was your fault. I only wish I could have found strength and be the man you needed me to be. I prayed every night of my life, but I have never felt connected to God. I know now that he has forsaken me, and there is no coming back from that. You and our son will be better off without me. I’m sorry that you will be the one to find me, but I couldn’t do that to our son. I will not do to him what my father did to me. I know you promised to be with me until death do us part, so I hope that setting you free will allow you to find the love you deserve. Tell our son I love him with all my heart. With my final prayer, I pray that God will take care of him after I’m gone. 

Richard.