I woke up one early morning and felt it. I had to know all things she knew. I had to literally sweep into her with a broom. A Master of myself. It was odd and I became f-ing afraid of it all. Her eyes saw more than mine. Her eyes had swept through seven oceans and secen continent. She was the ruler of everything. Men had gone abroad to rape other countries. I had to sense why. I had to steal all her visions and her class to see what she could hint at with such a majestic touch.
She was a highborn lady. I had to act in her name of my own fame to figure it out. And yes, at that point I saw more and more clearly. The room laid in dust. It was dark. Everything was hidden from the light. And I had to stand up newborn again. Out of the womb of time and space. Through her Socratic method I had to find a solution to what the earth had to tell us.
Her dignity and honour was scaring. I felt her honour raped me, so I had to rip her off her everything. I knew not why until I became her class, under her rule, under her nation. Her state of affairs. She adressed me. And I made the same gestures as she did. Now I was the highborn actress and I could let my play begin. In her name. Because of her…
Through the lens I saw. Blister and rainbows. I saw colours. I saw people of each nation. I saw millions of flowers bowing in the wind, yet the rose was of her, nay it had to be of me...She had to become my mum and nurture me. I had to act in accordance with her rule to tempt out who she was. Being like her she could no more escape. She was caught. And I had her captured…
Figured it made sense. Building me a home. Thinking I belong there. But I was a fool.
Her love was sad. Now I took all her beauty on me. Nay, she was more handsome than female good-looking.
I changed my look, because of her. Changed my style of dressing. My mode become her. My thoughts engulfed all continents. And becoming such I had to try her British way to cover it all up. The war was on me. The war became my food of thought. The interiour became wallpaper and I was the wallflower. I got it. I was the wallflower. Not a beauty, not still. Too high up to be pretty. More of a mature look, already, and boys went for the lamb steak. I was tall. Hundred feet above the rest. I made men go crusade. I made men twist their scientific brain. I was the one and one Mrs Lady Willfear. Nothing had me beaten down cause my true virgin heart was the queen of many and one castle. I was Celtic, Roman, Viking and Anglosexic. That´s where the word sex comes from actually. I felt it through my marrow, down my legs, into my veins, out through solar plexus and again from muscles and flesh. Had to turn a statue. Had to be me.
But self love is not the same as self respect. Being hurt can mean you want to give back. But giving back can make you feel the fight was not worth it. With me being grande as the tallest tree I had to show my crown. From within out afar. It was a crown that made me sick and aloof. I had to stay by my own side, as everyone else had betrayed me. I was the grande of the grande and the rest of the crap wanted to climb up on me. Had to let them stay outside. Could only let in the best of the best. That´s what my British respect was about. I did let in Lin into my deepest heart. Into my poetic mind. In deep slumber I let her in a way of TS Eliot climb my top, my trees, my hills, my ladder of structures. Social climber was she and I saw.
Yepp. My Britain was the one of the one. And being number one finally take its toll. Some say we raped all nations, but we only did it because our Virgin queen had us go her way. I, Mrs Lady Willfear had some of her traits. Some but not all of them.
Each culture needs to be respected. But how do we measure our own country against other countries? No one could fight our British Empire. This law of the best went back to Greece and Rome. To fight the archetypic spire of honour´s deed, it was a Global competition. Britain – for a short time – won that race. And here I was. A leader of some kind. I was but a lady. I had not asked for my position. I had not asked being born into upper class people. I was as much victim as the trash on the street. They did not regard me, cause they felt their poverty was because of me. My Catholic heart felt abused because of poverty´s crime. I could but pray. I could but borrow words of Jesus Christ. I asked him to save my soft heart, but it became like a stone when I saw the abuse of all nations. I could never cry in public. That is how I became to look so f-ing arrogant. How would you expect it to be otherwise. And I saw how Lin´s Swedish sex got into me. She stole my mind with hints, with jokes, with witty allusions. And yes, I laughed. And the classroom laughed.
I. The one and one Mrs Lady Willfear. I must obey the conventions of my land, my country. But being rapists in culture we had to fight ouselves way back to another solution. I had to be a virgin at heart, down to my bossom, into my purest rose, be pure and be whiter than the sands on the shorelines. Whitewashed to be aware of the sin. I had washed off myself all dirt. Now I began seeing dirt among classes and on the poverty of my own nation. Like the poor on the streets had to pay my Imperialistic debt. I had to fool others into my pure mode to save me from other people´s gossip. Could not fuck anylonger, cause it would have meant I had been given room for more children. To have the wrong kind of heritage. The burden of colonialism. The Victorian era was so true to us. Dickens eh well oh? And our Darwin eh oh ay? Newton of course.But Lin had to be my monkey. Us British people were the first to intervene into animal kingdom. We saw how monkeys behaved and this is how we figured out to be rulers of all power. That´s how apes do it. Us White do behave when imitating the order of Nature. But me, Mrs Lady Willfear is no monkey. Had to begin to be Victorian. Victory of my sex, my gender. Such a shame if I had seen myself in the mirror. Had to imitate Lin to become her ruler. I ruled her all way back to Sweden. Did not imagine she could figure out my means and methods. Roman at heart. Emperor of the Sex… Virginity rule us all. No one can find out your guilt if you are pure and stay pure. Fuck it miss Lin!
Like we are the truest on earth because of our science. Can you force us back to the very beginning of life? Forced to understand Darwin, yepp. Forced to see how we are more human than the apes.
And here came Lin rushing into the room, talking about Africans like I should not know. And Lin had a way...we must call her a Viking brat. I had to slap her with my wit. I saw no other way out of it. She was raw hide. She was an Indian from past life. I heard her Buffy-solo-song! It was terrific but horrible. I did hate her because she was the purest white face I ever saw. Like the white in her had no shame. She was Viking rude. Did not know how to be a virgin and true – yet whiter like the sun. Oh such a curse. I had to prevent her from stealing all I had. Had only my pride of virginity left. My new gender. My rose was my name and she could not come her to steal our true gentlemen. That is how I began intervening into her plot. To prevent her from coming here and having our best brains, our best men. Had to stop it! Stop it! From now on I see from the literally mode. Down the very gutter of thoughts. Colonialism and Industrialisation have brought the world to this very end. How will it all end? With being pure or going out to fuck in freedom´s name? Fuck it all. Fuck me now, as I have lost my holy rose in my last marriage. And he then again raped my virginity...My only heart...And then again the very island of every heart must be more true from now on. In my name alone.
The way the rapist took other nations so will my karmic wheel bring me to this last vision. This very beginning of Waterbearer´s epoch. From where? How? So many questions...so much more pure is the koh-i-noor...Black gems of truth? How is it possible?