The Haunted House

Submitted into Contest #60 in response to: Write a funny post-apocalyptic story.... view prompt

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Fantasy Holiday Funny

Around it came again, Halloween. I loved this holiday normally, But this year I wasn't feeling it. I had been down and was enjoying moping around the house in my pajama shorts and a tank top. I had been eating snacks and watching all the stupid zombie movies I could find and drinking all Dr. Pepper I could handle. I was down and dirty and could smell the Body odor I was putting off. My phone rang and I looked to see who was calling me, Most people just text me and be done with me.

The caller was my daughter Jordan so I answered sounding like a half-asleep drunk person. " Hello?" I said. "Mom get up and shower and get dressed I have plans for us." Before I could say anything she was saying " Love you, See you in a bit ". Little did I know that that would be the famous last words.

I found clothes and drug my stinky butt to the shower. I showered, washed my hair, and pulled it into a ponytailer, and was putting my shoes on when she came in the back door. " Are you ready?" She asked looking at my leggings and a baggy shirt and my worn-out shoes. Standing up I grabbed my purse and I asked " What are we doing? Where are we going?" I didn't know if I needed a sweater or a jacket? Did I need to bring anything else with me? She turned and walked out the door not saying a word. We headed down the driveway that was washing out and had huge sinkholes in it the size of a small ditch. " Please Lord don't let me fall, But if you do please take me quickly," I said as I walked slowly down the driveway to my ugly car. The car was speckled red with patches of white and metal showing through. a wind storm had speckled the car with gravel some years ago and left it an ugly mess, But it drove like a Bat outta Hell with Jordan driving. I made it to the car in a few minutes { I was walking slowly like an old lady going to see a doctor} Once at the car I got inside grabbed the hot pink neck saver and cussed it while trying to pull the seatbelt in place around my fat belly. Jordan was now climbing in the driver's seat and with a silent prayer away we flew.

We drove for a while with trees flying by and ended up in the middle of nowhere on a dark desolate road. I was beyond lost and it didn't seem like the headlights were doing much good. I tried to turn up the radio thinking that maybe music would calm my fears but all that was playing was a talk show about people who had gone missing and had not been seen again.

Feeling a little more like a Fraidy cat now than before I turned the radio off and decided to see what I could see. Outside the windows were dark grizzled trees, we were driving slow now as the road was but a path that was narrow and full of holes.

After what seemed like forever and a day we came to a clearing and parked beside a bunch of other cars. The insect sound was loud and deafening and it was so dark, It was like trying to see with your eyes closed. We got out of the car and walked slowly down a much smaller path, squeezing through bushes and branches that reached out and grabbed at your clothes and hair, we made our way along the path.

Finally coming out into another clearing I was speechless. My brain could not comprehend what my eyes were seeing. In the center of the clearing was a small cabin, Tiny as it was I walked around it. It was the size of a cheap old outhouse. Above the door was a sign reading Haunted House of Horror " What is this? Where are we? what are we supposed to do here? And where the hell did all the cars out there come from?" I asked her suspiciously. " Well, customers at Wallyworld told me about this place." She said quietly " They said it was the best ever haunted house in town, Well not in town exactly." So I was going to die here because customers at Wallyworld had told her this place was fun? Slowly I walked to the door grabbed the old curved piece of tree branch they used as a handle. slowly I pulled on it and the door creaked open. After all, I was here and My curiosity was piqued. The door opened and it was dark inside I slowly took a step and fell. It felt like I fell outta Heaven or somewhere way up there. Jordan was right behind me and she fell as well. At the bottom, We landed on a trampoline and being women that liked cake a whole lot we bounced, and finally, after a few bounces we climbed off the trampoline to a huge room filled with balloons and clowns and you could smell cotton candy and funnel cakes. There was loud music coming from somewhere and there were clowns, all kinds of clowns. I was like a small child at the circus, I loved clowns so I was happy as a kid eating candy.

there was a Ferris wheel and a merry go round and Jordan wanted to walk around and look at everything. We went to the food wagon and got a Funnel cake and some Dr. Pepper and headed down the midway. We passed rides and booths with silly games and a Balloon animal making clown. We saw the Bearded woman and the Strong man and the Wolf Boy and the pretzel woman. there were other people walking around and they seemed to be having as much fun as we were. everywhere you looked you could see the circus and I finally made Jordan quit walking and I asked the tiny dog who was smoking a huge cigar why they called this a Haunted house? This was not a house of horror. He said that people were afraid of clowns and other elements of the circus. We looked at everyone and everything ate way too much cotton candy and snacks. We did the House of Mirrors and the Spook House. The House of Wax which was all Disney characters and We did the Hokey Pokey and Played Old Maid and Dodge Ball. We rode Bumper Cars and watched the clowns doing their acts. After what seemed like hours and hours of fun and laughs We headed back to leave. "Which way is the car?" I asked Jordan " How do we get out of here now?" She looked all nervous and said " I don't know " We walked for hours listening to the music and I was tired and ready to leave. I began to whine like a small child and complain my feet hurt. I knew I was being a brat but I didn't care I wanted to go home now. "Mom it is okay, Calm down, We will find a way back up and come out of the outhouse and go home." I didn't believe it though. Clowns were dancing around us and squeaking their little ball horns at us and laughing joyfully. After walking in every direction I sat down and refused to walk anymore. Jordan was pleading with me to get up but I refused. I stamped my feet and threw my arms in the air I was deep into my tantrum. Finally, I gave up cause I had to pee. I thought about peeing my pants but it seemed like a bad ideal.

We found the toilet and I peed on a huge toilet that was bright pink with polka dots and a fuzzy seat cover in bright Chartreuse. I sat and couldn't help but sing along to Pop goes the weasel that was playing in the bathroom. I flushed the toilet and pulled up my pants and proceeded to go to the huge sink I could barely reach to wash my hands. I pumped a goodly amount of hand soap into my hands and hit the lever to turn on the water. the water was barely a trickle and here I had a huge amount of bright pink soap in my hands. It looked like a huge fluffy pink cloud of cool whip or something. It smelled like strawberry pudding and it made my hands tingle I turned the other lever hoping to increase the flow of water, the trickle stopped and there was no water now. tried both handles again and was panicking telling Jordan to help me turn the water on, She also had a huge handful of this Strawberry whippy soap. We could not get the water on again. I looked around looking for a towel or paper towels there was an air dryer on the wall I decided to try it. I hit the button with my elbow and at first, there was a nice little hum and a little air Jordan and I stuck our hands under the air and then the round-up song began and it started blowing really hard and it was blowing glitter. We both were covered in glitter in a matter of minutes. Our hand was swept back and frozen in the spot it looked like we had been hit by a whirlwind of air. We decided to leave the bathroom but turning to the door we found no handle, no way to open the door from inside the bathroom. I wiped my hands as best I could on my shirt and pants and my hands were stained bright pink. I was covered in glitter and I stunk of Strawberry Whippy pudding now. Pop goes the Weasel was playing so loud I could barely hear what Jordan was saying " Mom, I'm sorry. I really thought We would have fun and get you outta the house and outta your comfy zone." I started to cry and went to wipe my eyes and now had bright pink whippy stuff and glitter on my face and in my eyes. I just wanted to go home and get lazy and hide from the world again.

I rolled over and fell off my bed. My fat ass hitting the floor hard and I jarred awake at once. I think I even peed a little when I hit. Thank God it was all a stupid dream. I got myself up and walked to the bathroom to pee and looked in the mirror, at my bright pink stained shirt, weird frozen whirlwind hair, the bright pink and glitter stuff on my face, and all over my hands still. I stripped down quickly and jumped in the shower turning the water on high and hot. I made quick work of the shower, grabbed a towel, and dried off wrapping it around me I headed to my bedroom to dress for the day. My hands and face were still stained bright pink but the stuff was washed off, But now the whole house smelled like Strawberry Whippy stuff. I suddenly remember Jordan and I ran around the house looking for her. I found her asleep in her bed wearing the same outfit as yesterday. I woke her and had her go shower once we were dressed we sat down and tried to piece together what had happened the night before. How did we get home? Who brought us home? and was our car here?

Looking out the window I could see my ugly speckled car in the driveway. Neither of us could remember anything after the bathroom and as it has been a year now neither of us talks about it much. The bright pink took weeks to fade and go away. This Halloween we are gonna stay home and watch Disney I believe, No more stupid zombie movies for me.

September 18, 2020 19:46

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1 comment

Grace Kelley
15:13 Oct 02, 2020

The most colorful Halloween story I've ever read! The way your narrator talks about herself is very humorous and made me chuckle! You captured the idea of the chaotic 'nightmare' very well - well done!


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