29 comments

Creative Nonfiction

"Sup bruh!" 

"Hey, hey what's up my fellow hedonist?"

The men chest-bumped each other. 

"Look at you, wearing those sick priest robes… You off to the temple?" 

"Damn straight, brother! I'm gonna have me a good-old sacrifice." 

The other bit his fist, smiled, and slapped his thigh. 

"Hot damn! Boy, you on a roll! Didn't I see you sacrifice shit a few days back?"

"Hey, don't hate on me now! You know how I do. Gotta thank the Lord for all he bestowed upon me, know what I mean?" 

The man pinched his fancy robe with both hands and did a pirouette. They sat on a near-by bench under a tree. 

"Where are you off to, man?"

"I'm going to the market." 

"Out of dildoes again?"

"No, a fresh batch came yesterday. They're beautiful, handcrafted, custom made by Nutbutt himself." 

"What is it with you and designer schlongs?"

"Hey, the man's a true artist!"

"Sorry...So where did you say you were going?"

"To the butcher for a goat. I saw Iron-nips on the crystal last night and she was dishing up a mean goat dinner."

"Oh, I love that show! Did you see the one with the kittens and puppies? That made my mouth water…"

"Wait until you hear about this one. First, they strap the goat into a chair and-"

"A chair? How?"

"I don't know it's like a chair made specifically for goats."

"Does it have back support? I mean, does the goat sit on its butt or on all fours?" 

"Just let me tell the story. So they strap the goat in and they show it videos of its childhood, its parents, its little baby goats-"

"Wait hold on a minute. You wanna tell me they had that thing's whole life recorded on crystals?"

"That's right! That's what makes it so special. These goats are bred from birth to become this signature dish. 

How fascinating! So you want to buy one of those?" 

"I doubt they will have one well documented. But I bet it's seen some shit in its life, you know what I mean?" 

"Aha, cool. So are you gonna stuff it or…"

"I'll stuff the shit out of it. With baby rabbits." 

"That sounds delicious!" 

"Hey, what are you doing later after the sacrifice? Pop on by, let's say seven, and we'll have dinner together."

"Oh, I don't want to be a bother. You sure it's alright?"

"I'm super-duper sure." 

The sacrificial priest's phone beeped. He checked it. 

"Oh, come on, not another one…"

His friend leaned in

"What's it say?"

"I looked up a trip to the Moon last month and now the agency keeps sending me offers."

"The Moon is nice this time of year."

"Yeah, also have you seen the forecast for this month? It said rain; all month. So I thought I would go for a couple of days. Maybe sacrifice something up there… Who knows, a demi-god might bless me with its presence." 

"Are you afraid of a little rain? Like that apocalypse guy?"

"You know about that freak too?"

"Of course, look here." 

He pulled out a device with a crystal screen. 

"He's got over a million views." 

"What a freak! Who's that God he keeps going on and on?"

"Beats me. He says repent a lot. Check out that big ass ship he's building." 

"Wow, that's impressive. This guy's an engineer or something?"

"He claims his God taught him how to build it and that he should prepare for a flood." 

"Yeah, I knew about that, but I didn't know about the ship. That fucking thing is huge. How many people can it fit?"

"Animals, that's what he was instructed to take. Why? Do you want to go too?" 

"Nah. If there is a flood I'll get my ass to the moon. Or Mars or any other planet, who gives a fuck about a flood?!"

They laughed out loud. 

"I gotta get going, the slave market just got a fresh batch of meat. I need to get something young, I have a powerful ritual to conduct. Oh, I just remembered you bought a slave last month."

"Are you satisfied with it?"

"I was at first. But one night I had too much to drink and ended up killing and eating her. I still have some leftovers in the cool box." 

"Haha, you're one crazy son of a bitch! That's just a bad investment. If you want human flesh, just join the next raid. They're always looking for new members."

"That's on my new year's resolution. I keep putting it off."

"Well, better do it this year. That flood will hit soon according to that guy."

"Haha, the best part in my opinion is that he wants to take even the giant reptiles with him. How the shit is he going to keep them warm in that hull, with no sunlight?"

"Who knows, maybe he's a sorcerer too." 

"A shipbuilder - sorcerer dual-class! Now that would make an interesting campaign in Nightmares and Nephilims." 

Holding his sides the robed priest slapped his friend's shoulder. They parted ways promising to see each other again tonight and catch up on recent events over dinner. 

Making his way to the butcher, the tall slender toga-wearing dude passed the restaurants and fancy shops. Gold beyond measure, luxury items, extravagant food, and clothing were on display as far as the eyes could see. Above flew advanced ships, some the size of mountain tops. Smoke rose from the sacrificial furnaces enough to turn day into night. Weather altering technology assured the sky remained blue and sunny. All this comfort and well being had its price, which man was more than happy to pay. The resource was in abundance. The system worked. It had for thousands of years since Cain killed Abel. 

The little bell rang as the man entered the butcher's shop. He asked for the goat at which point the fat butcher said

"Sorry, it ran away... Can I get you anything else?"

"Oh crap, I was going to have a lovely evening and that goat was the main course. I was planning on buying the little chair too. It would have made a great gift for my buddy."

Again, I'm truly sorry sir. I don't know how it got away. Lately, more and more animals have gone missing from my shops. It's like they vanish into thin air."

"Ain't that a bitch..."


May 31, 2020 09:36

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29 comments

Roshna Rusiniya
07:44 Jun 04, 2020

This was such a fun read. Well done!

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Miles Gatling
10:17 Jun 04, 2020

Much appreciated, Roshna!

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Roshna Rusiniya
10:28 Jun 04, 2020

You are welcome. And thank you for religiously liking my stories too. 😬

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Miles Gatling
11:37 Jun 04, 2020

Amen 😇👏

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Evelyn ⭐️
20:40 Jun 01, 2020

Great story! It kept me interested the whole time!

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Miles Gatling
06:53 Jun 02, 2020

Thank you Evelyn!

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Evelyn ⭐️
12:51 Jun 02, 2020

Of course!

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Pragya Rathore
14:46 May 31, 2020

Awesome!

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Miles Gatling
15:53 May 31, 2020

You're too kind😄

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Pragya Rathore
16:49 May 31, 2020

Or maybe you're too humble. I loved the dystopia pre-apocalypse cockiness of the characters. 😃

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Aqsa Malik
21:28 Jun 16, 2020

This was so weird in the best way possible LMAO. Like it was truly such an engaging read with the really dark humour from characters that were equally as wild. The fact that it was short yet interesting makes it a really good read. I also love the dialogue and how seamless it was considering the personalities of the characters. Really good job! (I'm still laughing at that goat conversation)

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Batool Hussain
10:30 Jun 13, 2020

Wow, this story of yours like many others is amazing. Kudos to you for describing everything so well!! Also, will you mind checking my recent story out:0 Thanks:)

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A. Y. R
13:22 Jun 09, 2020

Hilarious! This is definitely going to stick in my mind and make me randomly burst out laughing at random moments!

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Miles Gatling
17:43 Jun 09, 2020

Thank you A! Love the name, stay frosty

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Solstice Poon
18:49 Jun 08, 2020

Whoa! I definitely need to learn from you! Your dialogue is smooth and the story just runs along. I love these types of stories! :D Do you think you could give some feedback on my story? It's called "Bittersweet". I'd really appreciate it!

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Miles Gatling
05:12 Jun 09, 2020

Thank you Solstice! I'll check it out

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09:34 Jun 08, 2020

Such a fun and cool story, Miles! Loved it! Keep writing and stay safe!😊😊😉

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Miles Gatling
12:33 Jun 08, 2020

Thank you Harshini! I'll try and do both

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13:45 Jun 08, 2020

😂😂😄

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Harken Void
15:46 Jun 07, 2020

Hahaha this was hilarious xD From the chest bumping priests, through dildos and goat chairs, to Noah taking away the guy's dinner, I was like 'What?' You sir have a distinguished set of brain cells and I'm glad I read this story.

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Miles Gatling
04:11 Jun 08, 2020

Haha thanks Harken! I'm glad you liked it

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Emily Nghiem
06:15 Jun 07, 2020

This is a very creative take full of playful imagination and colorful dialogue and characters! I had a little trouble following the dialogue, and had to reread it a few times to catch everything. I would have made the reference to "Moon" trips sooner in the story to set the "time period" closer to the beginning of the story, especially BEFORE making references to the futuristic crystals, so there is already a clearer context of the future, instead of crystals suddenly thrown in. I also would have hinted about references to "Noah" earlier on...

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Miles Gatling
06:57 Jun 07, 2020

Hi Emily! Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it and will use it in future writing. You wrote an extremely in depth analysis of my story; it must of taken so much time and effort. I don't know how to thank you. Much love from me!!!

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Vrishni Maharaj
17:59 Jun 01, 2020

This is amazing!

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Miles Gatling
18:36 Jun 01, 2020

Thank you very much😀

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Daryl Gravesande
13:39 Jun 01, 2020

I have a new story! Tell me what you think!

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Miles Gatling
14:32 Jun 01, 2020

Ok!

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Caro Aquilla
14:15 May 16, 2022

This was amazing, good job! I loved it!

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Miles Gatling
14:50 May 16, 2022

Thank you so much! I look forward to reading your stories

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