59 comments

Fiction Middle School Teens & Young Adult

Volleyball, Basketball, Tennis, Swimming, Violin. I shudder remembering the violin class. Raspy sounds of pain fill my head once again as I try vigorously try to jerk the memory out. Every night I go on my computer and go through tons and tons of searches until my eyes get swollen shut. Small voices in my head torment me that if I don't find a hobby I can keep, I'm a failure. Sometimes, those voices don't go away until I am asleep, so 99% of the time I end up sleeping in my chair. My parents worry about me, not being able to hold onto anything. They say in the future, I will have a lot of problems. I try not to think about it, I'm only in 7th grade anyway.

"Olivia!" I hear my mother's voice. "Olivia it is time for breakfast!" I wake up as a throbbing pain pierces into my neck. It hurts to talk.

"Coming," I say, my voice killing me. I walk downstairs staring at my feet. My mom looks like she hasn't slept all night. The bags under her eyes sank deeper and deeper every day.

"Guess what I have a surprise!"

"What?" I say, knowing it won't be a good one.

"We are going to go and try out for ice hockey!" My face went pale, I couldn't even ice skate. Before my thoughts started overflowing like a volcano, my mom put a hand on my shoulder.

"Try, try for me." Her words were soothing, like ointment on a burn. Turning my neck, which by the way was starting to feel a lot better, I took out some cereal from the cabinet.

"Okay," I said reluctantly, "Only if I enjoy it."

"Okay," she said, "By the way, tryouts start in an hour, so eat quickly!"

"An hour!" I half yelled. Running to my room, I put on 3 shirts a jacket and some jeans. On top of the jeans, I put on snow pants, since I knew it was going to be glacial. I came downstairs just to realize I forgot my gloves. Running back upstairs, I realize that I need my hat too. Opening my drawers, I get my pink hat and blue gloves.

5 minutes later, I find myself in my mom's car, driving as fast as the wind.

"Who's going to be there?" I ask, trying not to sound nervous, trying not to throw up.

"I honestly don't know." My mom said. Her response made me nervous. The violin had come back, the scratchy sound of the bow hitting the strings made me cringe. The strings, the strings that had crackled and tore and were ruined because of me. I was a monster, no artistic talent, nothing, just a helpless girl never holding up a hobby, a failure. I thought and thought and thought of that memory in repeat, never wanting to try anything again. I saw the girls, the ones that stifled their breath from laughing, the ones that talked about me behind my back. Suddenly, a rush of pain fled me as I buried myself deeper and deeper into my seat. Pain! The thought of my parents fighting on what I like and what I don't. Pain! The girls laughing at me, whispering behind my back. Pain! The thought of failure, thrashing into my back with every step, every breath.

I had shaken out of my trance and saw my mom, her face had twisted with worry.

"What happened?" I whispered, still in shock, still paralyzed.

"You, You blacked out." My mom's voice was full of shock mixed with anxiety. I knew what I had to do. I bought up the courage to unstick myself from the seat and come out.

"I...I'm ready." I managed to blurt out. A smile swept my mom's face as she held my hand and took me to rent my ice skates.

20 minutes later, I had entered the building. I stumbled to the ice hockey rink and was horrified. There were all boys! My face burned like I had been slapped in the face. In the middle of the ice rink, I saw a man. He was around 6ft tall and had a beard.

"Hi," he said. I almost jumped out of my skin, his voice was so loud! "I'm Coach Anderson," he stated, "I'm going to test you on your abilities." I nodded anxiously as I started twiddling with my fingers. The coach must have seen that because he remarked that I didn't have to be scared, and it was okay if I did some errors. I rolled my shoulders as I stepped onto the ice. The frozen water chilled my veins as I lunged forward. 3...2....1 go! I soared forward, the ice under my feet, the heavy skates ticking my feet as I skated like a pro. My eyes danced as I saw the boys staring with their mouths open. I went around the rink about 2 times until I finally stopped in front of the coach. "You defiantly have great potential young lady," he said in his deep voice, "And you are 100% welcome on this team." My heart skipped a beat as a smile crept over my face.

"Thanks!" I managed to say before I took off. I threw my ice skates on the floor while running up to see my mom. Running up the stairs, into the lounge, and on the couch, I saw my mom. "Mom!" I yelled, "Mom, I got in! I got in!" My mom sprang out of her seat and hugged me, the hug was the greatest moment of my life. I wanted this hug to be everlasting so I could feel this way forever. My mom slowly let go of me.

"This calls for some ice cream!" I jumped up and down like a little kindergartener opening their Christmas gift. I held my mom's warm hands and walked out, I had accomplished something, I thought to myself. I accomplished something and I am not a failure.

January 29, 2021 22:29

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59 comments

04:15 Feb 10, 2021

wooow!!! that story was so good! haha I loved it

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11:50 Feb 10, 2021

Thanks!!!!!!!!

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Anne Ryan
00:55 Feb 09, 2021

I really liked your story! :) It reminded me of myself at that age. You made me smile with your colorful descriptions and very real emotions. A couple suggestions: Just watch to make sure your grammar is correct. Also, one thing I noticed: "My face went pale, I couldn't even ice skate." versus " I soared forward, the ice under my feet, the heavy skates ticking my feet as I skated like a pro. " Now, you could take that contrast two ways. You can either choose to give her a magical talent for ice skating without practice, and it becomes h...

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00:57 Feb 09, 2021

Thank you for the suggestion, I will definitely keep it in mind!

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17:00 Feb 08, 2021

Your riddle... map?

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18:16 Feb 08, 2021

Go comment on my newest story Betrayal and I will feature you! Go quickly! I have only one more spot open!

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Bodhi Ganesh
13:02 Feb 04, 2021

This is a very good story Devaki! It definitely inspires hope and I love that her feelings of accomplishment in the end. Very good. Thank you

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13:05 Feb 04, 2021

Thanks!!!

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Carole Cobos
21:13 Feb 03, 2021

usually, I don't like unresolved endings and i feel like the bigger picture was unresolved but I also like how realistic it is. An 8-year-old doesn't understand that what is happening is wrong, emotional abuse even. She just knows the want of approval and love. So... I really liked this! Thanks for sharing :D. I did a story with a similar take on the same prompt. It's called 'NOT the Funny One'. Check it out if you like. Take care! Stay safe!

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21:25 Feb 03, 2021

Thank you so much! I'll go check out your story soon!

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Carole Cobos
21:37 Feb 03, 2021

don't feel pressured :D. I just thought you might be interested.

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00:20 Feb 04, 2021

No not at all! I was just drowned in schoolwork

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Anne Ryan
00:57 Feb 09, 2021

I might disagree there. One thing, the girl is in 7th grade so she's likely around 12. And yes she would feel the pressure to do something with her life if she is a more academically developed, less athletically developed person.

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Carole Cobos
19:25 Feb 09, 2021

Oh, then I must have misread. I was under the impression that the girl was 8 so still in second grade or so. But if you are right (you probably are) then yes, I'd say so. She'd also definitely know what happening isn't right.

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Cassandra Durnin
17:21 Feb 03, 2021

I do love the overall description and feel of this piece! The characters felt very real, and relatable as well. Well done!

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17:30 Feb 03, 2021

Thank you!

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Ijeoma Okoli
15:24 Feb 03, 2021

Nice. please like mine my reason for leaving Please read it

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15:26 Feb 03, 2021

Sure!

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Farah Naime
19:22 Feb 01, 2021

I loved this so much, the characters were really relatable. Really appreciated the emotion put into it!

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19:37 Feb 01, 2021

Tysm! :D

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18:19 Feb 01, 2021

The plot flows well and the characters are very believable. I enjoyed the vividness of your words as they painted a clear picture I could picture Olivia skating on the ice. Nicely done.

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19:36 Feb 01, 2021

Awww, Thank you!

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Ijeoma Okoli
15:25 Feb 03, 2021

I like ur judgement. please like and comment on mine my reason for leaving

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00:55 Feb 04, 2021

Okay, I will read your story ASAP!

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17:44 Feb 01, 2021

This is an excellent piece. The way you wrote the story was amazing! One thing I noticed was that you frequently switched between tenses. I'd say just stick to one and you'll be fine. Overall, it was incredible! I can't wait to read more of your stories!

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18:04 Feb 01, 2021

Tysm! πŸ˜€πŸ˜

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Doug Le Blanc
17:18 Feb 01, 2021

Excellent story! Well done!

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18:04 Feb 01, 2021

Thank you!

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Tamili Sanjiv
13:21 Feb 01, 2021

Nice story! Really enjoyed it! I noticed you use a few words too often in a sentence. I would work on that. Otherwise, great story!

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15:04 Feb 01, 2021

Will do!

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Kathleen Slayden
01:52 Feb 01, 2021

Devaki, You put so much emotion into your writing. I really enjoyed reading it. But one thing I noticed, you shift tenses quite often, going from present tense to past tense. I would stick to first person, present tense for this story.

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02:13 Feb 01, 2021

Thank you so much for the feedback!

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Ijeoma Okoli
15:26 Feb 03, 2021

Hi.. please comment on mine my reason for leaving

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00:56 Feb 04, 2021

I am so sorry, I have to read so many stories! Since I have left you waiting for so long, I will do it right now.

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Ijeoma Okoli
12:02 Feb 04, 2021

Thats ok. Thankss

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Stan Allen
12:01 Jan 31, 2021

Jack Cole, a famous radio talk show host of the eighties had a closing statement, "Words! They are mere words, but they can topple governments." Cute story. I like to see words written from the heart, not just the head.

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14:22 Jan 31, 2021

Wow 🀩 Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement! It means a lot to me!

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Jose Duron
00:24 Jan 31, 2021

The embodied innocence of a seven-year-old girl. Awesome.

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03:14 Jan 31, 2021

Thank you!

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23:06 Jan 30, 2021

That is amazing!!! I loved it!!!

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03:14 Jan 31, 2021

Tysm! :)

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15:08 Jan 30, 2021

I enjoyed the inner monologue of the main character. The constant anxiety of life sends me back, and I still deal with those same issues to this day. The narrative is relatable and will certainly touch most readers to the core.

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15:30 Jan 30, 2021

Thank you so much! I'm glad you found it so relatable!

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Ijeoma Okoli
15:27 Feb 03, 2021

Hi..your a good critic please comment on mine my reason for leaving

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00:57 Feb 04, 2021

Okay!

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Sasan Sedighi
05:44 Jan 30, 2021

Great story. By reading your story, I time-traveled back to when I was a high school student. It brought me back both good and dreadful memories, the idealistic expectation my parents had on my performance, mainly on my academic performance. They expected me to become a doctor. And so the unrealistic criticism I had against myself. For your information, I didn’t end up a doctor. Instead, I became a geologist.

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05:48 Jan 30, 2021

Wow! Geologists are awesome, you should be very proud!

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hi! this story has good metaphors and descriptions to make the story seem real. the only thing is that there were a couple grammar errors, so here they are so you can fix them: ""Guess what I have a surprise!"" i would put a comma between 'what' and 'I' so it would look like this: "Guess what, I have a surprise!" - "Running to my room, I put on 3 shirts a jacket and some jeans." you should put a comma between 'shirts' and 'a' so it would look like this: Running to my room, I put on 3 shirts, a jacket and some jeans. - ""You, You blac...

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04:01 Jan 30, 2021

Thank you so much for your feedback! It means so much to, me!

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Endellion .
23:45 Jan 31, 2021

I noticed those as well. Good eye.

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Scarlet Scribe
03:00 Feb 01, 2021

Great story! I get the feeling English is not your first language. There were only a few things I would change. "holding up a hobby" would flow better i it was holding onto a hobby. "rush of pain fled" Did the pain fill you or go away? "I had shaken out of my trance" I think would flow better if you changed "had" to "was". I bought up the courage" I think you meant "brought" instead of bought. "You defiantly have great potential " I think you probably meant "definitely" instead of defiantly. Forgive me for being the grammar police but words...

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03:20 Feb 01, 2021

Thank you, but English is my first language. I am only in 6th grade.

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03:20 Feb 01, 2021

Also, I had less than 24 hours to finish it.

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Ijeoma Okoli
15:30 Feb 03, 2021

Hey... please help me do critics on mine my reason for leaving favourite hobby

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00:57 Feb 04, 2021

Will do!

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