Sending My Heart

Bex: Hey can we talk? 

Sky: Sure 

Bex: it feels like nothings going right like if my world is falling down. I don't know what to do anymore. I just hate this. Like you should just leave like everyone else does cause I’m just going to hurt you. I’m sorry this isn’t your problem its mine. 

Sky: it’s fine, just chill out. 

Bex: what do you mean chill out? It’s not like I can poof become fucking the happiest person alive 

Sky: how do you want me to help? 

Bex: I don't know. Just talk to me. 

Sky: we are talking. What are you doing? Anything else wrong?

Bex: I’m sitting down thinking. 

Sky: thinking about what? 

Bex: if I tell you, you are going to worry about me. I don't need or want you to worry about me that's not your job. Okay?

Sky: okay fine I won’t worry. What’s up?

Bex: I hate it here. Like I need this to stop. I need everything to fucking stop. 

Sky: what do you mean.

Bex: what do you think I mean?

Sky: I think you mean you need a distraction. I don't know. Just tell me.

Bex: kind of. I mean I hate life… I hate myself 

Sky: bro you’re fine. Just you need to maybe I don't know chill out. What do you want to talk about?  

Bex: your right I’m fine I guess. You pick what we talk about. 

Sky: ask each other questions? 

Bex: sure go first. 

Sky: Okay, umm. What is your worst fear? 

Bex: I fear oblivion 

Sky: what do you mean? 

Bex: I fear everyone I love and care about… well not just them. But I fear being alone with other people around me. Like no one speaking to me or caring about me. 

Sky: ohhh that makes sense. Why do you fear that?

Bex: I don't know because we need human contact. And I need other people to love me it is hard to explain.

Sky: I get it. You ask me something. If you want.

Bex: what do you truly think of me? Be honest. 

Sky: I think you are cool and have a nice vibe to you. 

Bex: okay. You think I'm cool. Thanks

Sky: no problem. Umm my question is…. I don't know 

Bex: well I’ll let you think of one.

Sky: favorite thing to do? 

Bex: what context is that? 

Sky: whatever you want. 

Bex: my favorite thing to do is maybe read or write. 

Sky: Oh that's cool. 

Bex: yea I think I’m ok at it. 

Sky: can I read some of your writings? Only if that's okay with you. 

Bex: maybe sometime. But not yet. I kind of need to trust you first. 

Sky: ok how can I get you to trust me? 

Bex: I don't know you have to figure it out. 

Sky: umm what if I help you? 

Bex: with what? 

Sky: I can help you with hating yourself. If you want? 

Bex: how could you possibly make me love myself?

Sky: I can’t just tell you. You have to find out along the way. Are you in?

Bex: I’m confused 

Sky: Well if you want the help I have to see your writings 

Bex: okay fine. But what if you can’t make me love myself?

Sky: that's a risk I guess you will have to take. If you choose to decide to do so. 

Bex: okay I’ll show you. Hold on. 

Sky: ok I will wait. 

Bex: here you go. 

Bex: *My face feels really hot and my skin is on fire. Everything around me is burning as I jump up from the floor. Where the hell am I? All I remember is going swimming and I don't know what happened. There is a figure a little farther away from me. I yell out “ where am I !?” the figure stands up and I swear it looks like a monster. He responds “ you’re in the place we call hell”. “what why? I haven’t done anything wrong” I say. He then comes closer to me and holds out his hands. “ you are her punishment”. I am starting to realize what he is talking about “I am here because of Hannah?” we walk near a river or stream, it is all red like lava. We arrive at a boat and he tells me to get in if I want to have my questions answered. So I get in. “ where is Hannah?” then the boat drifts away. On the walls, I see memories of Hannah and me. Times where she was happy and so was I. Nothing had been the same since she died. I have always wondered if she was punished for her death if she feels bad for leaving me. The memories show her in her room alone and I want to turn away but I look any way it shows her last text to me where she told me she was finally happy. Then I see images of Hannahs’s time in hell. I watch her interactions with the devil. She yells at him and tells him to let her see me, not to hurt me. Which I know he won’t or if he does it's only to hurt her. It’s getting hotter and hotter as I’m moving down the river. Then I see her. She's held back by chains and has a metal thing over her mouth. I hear her screaming at the top of her lungs. Then the boat starts to go backward slowly. She and I make direct eye contact as she screams louder and cries that she’s sorry. I go farther and farther away until I can not hear her anymore. That's when it hit me that her punishment was seeing that I moved on. *

Sky: wow 

Bex: what??

Sky: that's really good. Like oh my god. you are amazing

Bex: so now that you got to read my stuff. How am I going to love myself?

Sky: well what if I love you till you love yourself? 

Bex: what in the world do you mean?

Sky: I mean exactly what I said. I will love you until you don’t want me to love you anymore. And so to finish that thought..

Bex: what?? I'm so confused. you are joking, right?

Sky: will you go out with me?

Bex: i- 

Sky: it is your call but you will love me till you forget loving yourself was ever a problem.