Euphoria is Gray

The moral compass of our society is flawed. Nobody really knows the difference between right and wrong. 

Take lying for example. Lying holds such a negative connotation, yet we rely on lies to be the foundation for which we build relationships on. 

‘Are you kidding? You look amazing in that dress!’ Lie.

‘The food you cooked is absolutely delicious.' Another lie. 

‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you. I promise.' The biggest lie of all. 

It's all a means to an end really. Building up the trust until that moment when it all burns down. I crave that moment. 

That one moment, where you watch their eyes fill with confusion, unable to handle the shock and betrayal. The moment you take a knife and slowly-

“Mr. Teacher! Mr. Teacher!” 

I guess it’s time to leave my fantasies and come back to my poor boring excuse of a life. 

“Yes, Margaret! What can I help you with?” The little Kindergartener looks at me with eyes so helpless and afraid. 

Pathetic. 

She manages to stammer out, “Can you help me with cutting the paper? The scissors are scary…” 

“Of course I can help! Let me see your supplies please.” She first hands me a dull looking sheet of yellow paper before gathering what little courage she had to get the scissors. She hands them to me with trembling hands. 

Unbelievable. That’s no way to treat a fine utensil such as this one. It's such a magnificent multifunctional tool. People have a false sense of trust with them but they are deceivingly sharp. Fools honestly. Maybe this girl has more of a brain than I first gave her credit for…

“Alright, I'll go ahead and cut it now! Watch me carefully so you know what to do next time.”

I honestly don’t mind doing this. It's the closest thing I have nowadays to any sort of joy. Feeling the scissors slowly cutting away. So smooth and sharp. My fingers start to tingle with excitement.

Imagine what it would be like in the flesh. Yes, I can only dream of that fantastic sensation. I want to feel it so bad. I want more. I need more. I-

“Ummm Mr. Teacher! That’s too much cutting!” The kid’s voice was full of panic. I take a look down at the paper.

Seems like I went a little overboard. The paper is destroyed, cut in different jagged angles and harsh lines. Pity.

“Oh, would you look at that? It seems Mr. Teacher wasn’t paying attention! Be a dear and grab another one, Miss Margret.”

The little girl hops away to grab another sheet. I look down to examine the paper and the scissors once more. 

It’s just not enough. 

When will it be enough?

— 

Lunchtime is the worst part of the day.

Why?

Because I have to deal with people like Paul and Janet who make me want to rip out their eyes and shove it in their mouths. Maybe then they’ll actually shut the hell up. It’s the fact that we're all Kindergarten teachers that makes them think we're friends or something. 

It's repulsive. 

Without fail, whenever I’m in the teacher’s lounge minding my own business, they come over and ruin everything. And it's not like I can hide away in the depressing hell hole of my classroom. Janet will just bring her fat ass over and drag me out anyway. 

“Oh John! Yoo-hoo!”

Goddamnit. Speak of the devil. I turn around to see both Janet and Paul walking towards me with big stupid grins on their faces. It’s like I’m living my worst nightmare.

When they reach me, Janet is the first to speak, “There you are! Have you heard the news? Ms. Nancy from 1st grade reading is engaged! Can you believe it?”

These people tell me stuff like this as if I’m actually supposed to give a fuck. It's so stupid I can't even give the courtesy to laugh.

I flash a fake smile and say, “Wow! That’s amazing! Good for her.” 

Paul gives me a slap on the shoulder before saying, “A bunch of us are going to the bars tonight to celebrate. Are you in, Big Man?” 

Big Man? God I hate him so much. I gotta give them an excuse why I can’t go. I settle with, “Oh geez I don’t know. I still have some lessons I need to make for next week.”

Apparently that wasn’t good enough. Paul’s face was sour as he said, “Aww c’mon now. That can wait! It’s just one night and only a couple of beers!”

Janet decided to also put in her two senses, “Oh yes you should come! I just know Ms. Nancy will appreciate you coming to celebrate with us all.”

Ha! What a joke. I don’t even know Nancy. This is starting to really get on my nerves. 

Before I can offer another rebuttal, Paul adds, “C’mon live a little! It’ll be good for you to get out. You never know what cute girl you’ll meet there.” Then he offers me a wink to really seal the deal. 

Although, as deplorable as he is, he’s got a point. My life has been in the shit hole lately. The only thing keeping me going are my… fantasies. But it’s not like they’re real. Once I realize that, everything becomes as dull as ever. Maybe tonight, I can figure out a way to quell my craving… 

Looks like I’ve got no choice. “Alright, alright I’ll go. I’ll meet you guys there!” 

Both smiled in triumph, as if their dumbasses are why I’m going. 

Janet clapped her hands and exclaimed, “Wonderful! We’ll see you there at 9 o’clock!”

As they began to walk away, Paul called out once more, “Remember Big Man, 9 o’clock! Be there or be square.” 

Barf.

As much as it physically pained me, I managed to muster a smile and a thumbs up in response.

However, I am becoming eager now. Something is telling me that tonight really will be worth my while…

—

The bar is busier than what I expected it to be like on a Thursday night. But nonetheless, still full of drunk people that are either pretending their life isn’t as shitty as it is, or trying to get laid.

It’s like a bunch of damn monkeys. It’s just wrong. Maybe this was a bad idea. I could just turn around and-

“Oh John! There you are!” The sound of Janet’s shrill voice pierced my ears and now I know it’s too late to turn back.

I offer a wave and flash the smile they’re all expecting me to have. Paul hears Janet and saunters over. 

He sees me and shouts through slurred words, “There he is! My main man! Glad you made it. I knew you couldn’t resist.” He laughs as he lays his sweaty arm around me. I can smell the booze oozing off of him. A couple of beers my ass.

He looks down at my hands and frowns. He says, “Hey now, what are you doing with no drink? C’mon let's get you a beer!”

He reaches his other sweaty arm out to pull Janet in. 

“Shall we?” he asks.   

Janet giggles, “Oh Paul.”

As we start to walk to the bar he releases his arm around me but keeps his other arm around Janet. 

Paul is the type of person that falls into both categories of drunk people but tonight he was definitely leaning towards the latter. He’s been trying to get into Janet's pants for months now but he thinks since tonight is a celebration about marriage, Janet will start to feel lonely and look at him in a new light. Then she’ll actually want to fuck him.  

Scumbag. 

That’ll keep them off my ass though. Which gives me a chance to find what I’m looking for. To feel something. 

I get a beer and turn around to survey the crowd. I’m gravely disappointed when all I see are the same fake people and all I hear is the same old static. All this noise is nothing but a cacophony of fake and irrelevant conversions.

Seems like this might’ve been a mistake. Maybe I should just chug my beer and get out of here. 

“Looking for someone?”

I turn to my left and see a woman in a short, black, skin-tight dress looking at me with an eyebrow raised. Her long brown hair is a little unkempt and her cheeks a little flushed. She's leaning against the bar which accentuates her curves in all the right ways. She has her eyes locked on mine as she waits for my answer. 

“Ahh no. I’m just here with my colleagues for a celebration.”

“Oh. You must be one of the teachers celebrating Nancy’s engagement.” Her voice was full of disdain and annoyance. She could be interesting.

“Yes I am. I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t recognize-” She cut me off before I could finish, expecting my response,

“Ya I’m Nancy’s best friend. The name’s Charlotte, aka the one who is going to remain forever and always alone.” She takes a swig of her drink and pushes the empty glass away towards the bar. 

Ahh there it is. Normally, people like this would repulse me but something about her is intriguing. Maybe it's her voice, or seemingly velvet smooth skin. I’m not sure yet, but I want to find out more. 

I extend out my hand and say, “I’m John Doe. Nice to meet you.” She looked at my hand and laughed, “Wow John Doe? Really? You got a better name?”

“Not one that I respond to anymore. Just John is fine.”

She raised her eyebrow again but seemed to not care enough to argue more, “Fine, Just John it is then. Well John, how about you buy me another beer?”

—

Another beer and 4 tequila shots later, she was all over me. She reached her arms around my neck as she sat on my lap. I took a look at her arms and legs and brushed my fingers gently up and down.

So smooth and delicate.

No imperfections in sight.

Just like a sheet of paper. 

For some reason, all I can think about is that dull sheet of yellow paper and scissors from class. The paper was so boring. Not enough. But what’s in front of me…this is exquisite. My hands are beginning to tingle and all I want are a pair of scissors.  

Suddenly Charlotte bends down and lays a sloppy kiss on me. Unexciting to say the least. Once our lips break apart, she leans down to whisper in my ear, “What do you say we get out of here?”

All my life, I’ve always done what is ‘right’. Taught others what is ‘right’. For the longest time, I thought that’s what I was supposed to do so I had no desire for anything else. 

Until one day, there was something else.

Something thrilling and exciting! But alas, I couldn’t have what I desired because it’s ‘wrong’. It's ‘psychopathic behavior’ and ‘the gravest sin’. Nothing stings more than having your hopes and dreams unvalidated and shit on by others. I hate it and I’ve resented others for it ever since. 

In the end, it comes down to a choice. A choice between ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. 

To stick to society's hypocritical standards, or to finally get what I want.   

“Yes, let's do it.”

She pulls me up and drags me along as she stumbles over to the door. By some miracle, we manage to make it out back where the parking lot is and make it to what looks like her car. 

“We better take my car.” I offer. 

“Sure whatever.” and then she follows after me. 

This is the perfect set up! I have her right in the palm of my hand.

It’s a sign. A divine sign that this was meant to be!

Wow, I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t stop my growing excitement. I’m finally going to feel the thrill of the kill!

Once we reach my car though, her face turns green. She manages to squeeze out, “I think I’m going to be sick,” before proceeding to throw up all over the ground. 

A momentary setback. Nothing I can’t handle. “Oh no, are you alright? Here, let's get you in the car and get you cleaned up.”  

I shove her into the car and scrounge around in the backseat. I lay my eyes on some random napkins, and a pair of scissors.

I slide the scissors into my jacket and go to the front to hand Charlotte the napkins. 

Now, to wait for the perfect moment. I can barely contain myself. It’s only a matter of time before my dreams finally come true… 

After Charlotte finally cleans herself up from her vomit she sits back, dejected and worn out. 

She heaves a deep sigh, “Oh god. Sorry you had to see all that. Listen, I had a good time and all but I should probably be getting home now.”

What? 

What was she saying? 

She can’t leave now!

No, no, no, it’s not right. The night has gone perfectly! Why is this slut trying to ruin it now?? No, I won’t let this bitch mess things up for me. I won’t let this opportunity slip away. 

I can’t get it out of my head. I need this. I need this now. 

“Hey what are you doing? You're creeping me out.” 

This is it. This is what I've been waiting for. I can taste her growing anxiety and desperation. My, what a savory flavor!

This is all I’ve wanted for so long. I will get what I want. 

“Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?! Let go of me!”

It’s too late. I can’t stop now. Not when I’ve come so far. Not when I feel this alive.

I bring out the scissors and admire them as they shimmer beautifully in the moonlight. I then shift my eyes to take a look at the horrified face in front of me. Her eyes are full of confusion and fear. A beautiful sight indeed. 

“Stop! Stop, please! I have a little girl at home, her name is Margaret. Please! I beg you! Don’t hurt me!” 

Just like that, the static is gone and I’ve never heard better in my life.

No more black and white.

No more right and wrong.

Everything is crystal clear and I’ve never felt better. 

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you. I promise.”

This is euphoria…