"The way you smile, the way you look at the world the-"
"Spare me the B.S. Gene, sarcasm is not, your, strongest attribute!"
"I'm no Mary Jo Smith, but you already know that. No one can live up to your title"
"When Pam told me to swipe left I should have listened."
"Did you just shake your head, and roll your eyes at me? I hate it when you do that."
"You clearly saw me shake my head. And if I want to roll my eyes I will roll my eyes!..There...how's that?"
"A little over the top, unless of course you are, Dwayne Johnson."
"Who the he-"
"You know, 'if you smell what the Rock has cooooking."
"Oh, myyy Gawd, he's so much more than a wrestler."
"I'm sooo sorry he wasn't available on Farmersonly.com so you could swipe right on him. Maybe you can try to find him on www.com?"
"What in the world is www.com?"
"World's worst wrestlers, I can't believe YOU watch that fake crap."
"You are such a child."
"You are such a chi-... okay calm down. Please put down the vase, those flowers set me back $80."
"Valentine's day is sooo,"
"Yes, and don't cut me off."
"...You mean like…this?"
"Put the scissors down and step away from the flowers."
"I bought them, I will…"
"You didn't just do that."
"By the way, Pam swiped right before you did, and I found her so, so awful. That's why she wanted you to stay away from me."
"Here, take your yellow rose…and shove it"
"Throwing flowers and tantrums, your specialty."
"Did you sleep with her?"
"...and here's a red one too. Sometimes it's what you don't say Gene. Thanks for a great Valentine's day, thanks for nothing!"
"Yep, just walk away, that's so Mary Jo of you!"
"While you have a pity party in the bathroom, I guess, I'll get the door."
"Where is she?"
"Good to see you to PAM, she's ah-"
"In the bathroom, I already know. That's what neighbors and friends are for…nice flowers, they look better in a vase don't you think?"
"Pam, put that down. And just where do you think you are going? We are kinda busy right-"
"Now is not the time Sam, no I didn't tell him yet."
"Honey, who you whispering to in there? It's me Pam, can I come in…Excuse me Gene, she doesn't want to speak to you right now."
"...Mary…Mary Jo…Mary Jo Smith, you open this door."
"Gene, stop knocking on the door, I don't want to talk to you right now. Pam, get in here."
"Un-believable, fine take her side over mine. I'll be on the couch if you need me."
"I'd rather you just leave Gene."
"You don't mean that…"
"She said, go…Mary it's going to be okay."
"Don't push me Pam, I have had just about en-"
"I'm going, and I won't be back…"
"...He's gone, giiiirl is that Sam on the phone."
"Yes, now get back in here. Sam says hello. No I didn't tell her either."
"Tell me what?"
"Mary, tell me what?"
"Sam just WAIT!"
"...give me the phone. Hello Sam, sooo what's the news?"
"...Sam don't you dare, Pam if you take the phone again you will end up out side with-"
"...I'm not leaving Mary I-I love you."
"Gene I'm pregnant, and it's not yours…whew, there I said it. NOW LEAVE ME-"
"FINE…Pam you wanna?-"
"Don't go there Gene. Don't go there."
"She knows about us Pam, Mary is that why?"
"...close that door and leave now"
"... …He's gone, for real this time Mary."
"Sam, are you still there?"
"Okay, I told him, are you happy now?"
"What do you mean is it yours?"
"...It's okay Mary."
"Sam, you know it is."
"Of course I'm going to keep it."
"DNA, uggg men. What is wrong with you Sam?"
"I tried to tell you, men are dogs Mary."
"We will discuss this later Sam, I can't believe you right now…"
"Good for you Mary, I'm happy for you. Sam will come around. I think he is upset because Gene was here."
"Speaking of Gene, which I'd rather not. Why didn't you tell me you two slept together?"
"It was nothing. Let me explain"
"He's calling me"
"Don't answer that."
… … …
"Let him leave a message."
"Now he's texting me."
"No, Santa Claus? Of course Sam, Pam- I feel like I'm writing a Dr Seuss book. Geeesh Pam, Sam, green eggs and ham, I do not like you in my house, I do not like you with a mous-"
"Okay, I get it. Should I leave? You just need some time to process it all."
"Thank you Dr. Phil."
"Someone watches waaay to much tele."
"...I've got to get out of here, this toilet is totally uncomfortable."
"Is that Sam again?"
"No, it's Gene this time. He said he wants to get his things."
"Don't let him back in, he always does this."
"There, I told him another time. I'm still waiting for an answer Pam."
"To what? Why didn't I tell you I slept with him, or is it when, that you really want to know?"
"When would be nice. I can't believe we hooked up with the same guy."
"I tried to warn you, but you didn't listen."
"Well it's over now, and it's amazing how you still haven't answered. So when?"
"Look, when I saw he was still on that app I called him out for the dog he is. But you seemed to really like him so I backed off. I wanted you to be happy. The day you told me you were serious about him I stopped and told him he needed to choose."
"And he chose me."
"Well yeah, look at you girl, you are so out of his league. And then when you started seeing Sam he called me acting like a depressed puppy. One thing led to another and we ended up back at his place. Biggest mistake of my life."
"So you lied to me?"
"And you to him. Why you seem to go after my leftovers is beyond me."
"Get out, just- hummmph- Just leave."
"I guess the truth hurts. By the way Sam and Gene have a thing for each other too. Yep, a great big 'ol Jerry Springer episode and Mary Jo Smith dead smack in the middle."
"Just what I thought, nothing to say huh?"
"...is a weekends worth of texting good enough for proof or do you want a voice message too?"
"Gimme that phone, let me see it…They are dead to me. Both of them. There is no way I can keep the baby now. How could you, how dare you."
"The funny thing is, you think this is about Gene. Sam, or your flavor of the month sugar daddy. But this, this goes back to senior year. Eric, when you stole him and ruined him, no destroyed him, I vowed then I would get you back so- here it is."
"I thought we were Bff's all that B.S. about forgiveness and getting past our junk, about female empowerment, all lies?"
"You blame me for Eric's suicide?"
"Yep, right again. I mean it's not like it was less than twenty-four hours after you slept with him, and then told him you wanted to pursue other options. Oh wait…it was."
"Am I a bad person?"
"Don't let me stop you."
"Oh I forgot, little miss perfect highschool virgin queen. Self righteous Pam who didn't have the guts to tell me or anyone how she really felt. Expecting everyone else to bow down and kiss her ass."
"I'm leaving, good bye. I'll make sure Sam knows what you intend to do."
"Are you in love with me?"
"You are a deranged lunatic. Am I in love with you?"
"I thought you were leaving?"
"...I can't believe you just did that."
"Did you like it?"
"Kiss me again and we can find out."
"What are we doing here?"
"What we should have done long ago. You know I lied to Sam, I'm not pregnant, I was so pissed at Gene I wanted him to feel the pain I did."
"So you are not pregnant? Then why did you say you couldn't keep the baby?"
"I was so angry, at you, and at them. I just wanted you to leave. Feelings be damned."
"Well it worked. Except-"
"Except you love me."
"So why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"Because of Eric. He started the rumor that we slept together-"
"No, but no one would believe that Mary Jo Hoe would say no. I let it go, and told him I was going to pursue other options. Then at the party, when I said I had something important to tell you."
"Yeah- that's when my phone blew up with the news of Eric."
"It all changed, for all of us. Our labels stuck and this town still hasn't changed one damn bit."
"So here we are…"
"Where do we go from here?"
"I don't know, but wherever it is I hope it starts and ends with you."
"One step at a time Pam, one step at a time."