So I had went to school one day and everyone was whispering when i had entered the classroom. I just thought someone asked someone out or someone online did something, but there was a secret going around that i didn't know about but everyone that day was scared, sad or either depressed and i hadn't known why.
The truth was that someone had died recently and i wasn't aware that it was my best friend Sydney she had died in a motorcycle accident. I had just come back from vacation and I thought she was still on vacation but after a 2 month period had gone by and I finally asked people where was sydney, they looked at me worried, flabbergasted or confused. WHen i had asked that question Carly had said, "Julia she died...."
The words felt unclear , they couldn't be real, "No, I...I saw her Before she went on vacation. "Julia she died in a motorcycle accident, 2 months ago......"
I was lost in my own mind, the void of depression and anxiety had swallowed me in, my heart had felt torn and ripped to a million shreds and put together to only be broken and swallowed up again.
By the time I had come back to reality the entire class was looking at me. Mrs. Canting went up to me and asked me if i was ok. (OKAY, what about this could i be ok, My Best Friend is dead or HAS been dead for over 2 months and i just learned about this now! HOW could i be ok.) I replied, "No, I am not ma'am how come everyone kept this a secret."
I started crying from my soul almost feeling like i was drained, deprived of tears, my legs felt broken or had chains pulling them down to the ground , my head had a sense of hot steam not able to get out like it was concealed from the outside world, MY scream was the sound of a train forcing the brakes to stop before a tragedy the sound of my scream was so real so unbearable that you could almost feel the pain of sydney herself. I was losing my sight of reality, my sense of stability, my soul had lost its control of the situation at hand. The teacher tried to calm me, but the panic was the overcomer of everything . My body had felt dead i started losing my breath of what i had felt and i was choking, drowning in my own breath not able to swim to the surface none looking ,none around unable to get out.
I woke up in the hospital wondering what had gone by. I looked around, but no use i could not move i was to weak to move around, 2 hours of laying there i pushed myself to get up, i stood up unaware of my surroundings.
I was in a hospital, i had passed out.
I was unable to believe what had happened, I had gotten up like a force was pulling me and told me what to do like a do-or-die situation. The force had led me to running away from life from everyone , so that day i ran and didn't look back no control of what i was doing.
2 hours later, I had reached another city a city of my childhood, my safe haven. I was scared and drowned by the darkness. The police had found me i was brought home and received a ton of hugs, yells of freight, comfort, confusion and one i have heard many times terror and that was my friends mom she had come over and said that she was terribly sorry she hadn't told me. I was later put in therapy, i got better, but she was still in my heart which i was ok, ineeded her with me as a reminder of what she was to me and what she would want me to do. Still today i remember that moment of my life and am thankful i had it it taught me a lot and now i get to tell people and teach them. That life can push things at you when you are not ready for them, but those things can or can't push you over the edge but when it does don't suffer through it alone. It could lead you to suicide, physical violence, or even make you hurt , abuse , overdose and do more things that when you go that far it is hard to go back but not impossible.
My life was hard and complicated for anyone that heard it, they felt sorry, they felt sorrow, perplexed feelings that starting a conversation that they didn't know that it would lead to me telling it. But I learned from the hurt, I learned from the pain. What I had learned was just the beginning of problems and therapy just because of one thing that happened.
i thought it’s a good thing to be unable to forget anything—being able to keep every instant of my life crammed inside my head. But it’s also very frustrating. I can’t share any of it, and none of it ever goes away. I remember stupid stuff, like the feel of a lump of oatmeal stuck on the roof of my mouth or the taste of toothpaste not rinsed off my teeth. The smell of early-morning coffee is a permanent memory, mixed up with the smell of bacon and the background yakking of the morning news people. Mostly, though, I remember words. Very early I figured out there were millions of words in the world. Everyone around me was able to bring them out with no effort. The salespeople on television: Buy one and get two free! For a limited time only. The mailman who came to the door: Mornin’, Mrs. Brooks. How’s the baby? The choir at church: Hallelujah, hallelujah, amen. The checkout clerk at the grocery store: Thanks for shopping with us today. Everybody uses words to express themselves. Except me. And I bet most people don’t realize the real power of words. But I do. Thoughts need words. Words need a voice. I love the smell of my mother’s hair after she washes it. I love the feel of the scratchy stubble on my father’s face before he shaves. But I’ve never been able to tell them.