Silvanus

Silvanus

Introduction

I was once a happy child who ran wild with grubby, bare feet through the bright green woodland. A carefree girl who lay amongst the scented lilac bluebells and heady wild garlic and didn’t care if her long mousey brown hair was tangle free, or if her fingernails were clean. Now old age had finally caught up with me and I decided it was time to return to that lush woodland, one final time. As my life was reaching its end, there was no better place that I could have chosen.

 Part One

I had lived a long life, which even though had included some tragedy, it had also been blessed with love and friendship. But now I was the only one left. Jack’s death was the beginning of the end for me. It had always just been the two of us and we had been very close. Of course, my friends tried to keep me occupied by rallying round, bringing me casseroles and inviting me for lunch, but the sadness and emptiness inside me was all consuming. Then as days turned into years, my friends also passed away, as our generation began to make way for the next. So why was I still alive and lingering on? I was eighty-six years old with an aching body and an empty heart. I was just going through the motions of my daily routine. Talking to myself and sleeping most of the day. I felt disappointed each time I woke up.

The red bricked Victorian town house that had once been alive with laughter and conversation, warmth and love slowly turned into a silent and draughty relic with nothing but memories reflecting from photographs, and mirrors that told lies. I would sit in Jack’s favourite armchair by the window, running my thumb over the sun-bleached fabric. What must the neighbours with their young children have thought of the old lady with the wild, white hair who watched them with envy from the gloomy window; probably they thought I was a witch and that’s why they never introduced themselves or asked how I was.

I remembered how Jack would absentmindedly trace the patterns of the embroidery on that chair with his old man fingers, and how he would reach out and take my hands in his. The love between Jack and I remained strong and vibrant, it never faded like the fabric of the chair had.

I was tired of living, but I dreaded death. What if I suffered when I stopped breathing? Would I be unconscious or would I be aware that my heart and lungs were failing? Would I panic?

I wished there were some guarantee that I could’ve just fallen into blissful sleep and never woken up again. I was at the age where death became a constant wish and a constant fear. There was no escaping the insidious dread that haunted me night and day and I just wanted it to be over with. That was when I decided to go back to the forest. It was a glorious spring afternoon, and I closed the blue front door of our house without locking it; there was no point, and let my feet take me back to the only friend I had left. Down the path I walked, through the meadow of daisies and dandelions, enjoying the feel of the tall grass as it tickled my legs. Along the way I cherished the warmth of the spring sunshine on my wrinkled face and deeply inhaled the sweet scent of wildflowers. I took photographs of Red admiral and Cabbage white butterflies with my old Cannon camera, hoping the tiny details of their beautiful symmetry might live on afterwards. How delicate and free they were, content with their fleeting existence. I made my way to a favourite spot by the large old oak tree that stood proudly and protectively by the gentle forest stream with the stepping-stones, the tree that had been my friend for all these years, I laid my palm upon his rough bark and said a silent farewell. I kicked off my sensible shoes and let the fresh spring grass sooth and cool my overheated feet.

The bottle of pills in my pocket rattled impatiently as I struggled into a sitting position on the forest floor. I could feel sadness and self-pity begin to rise from my heart. I was afraid, I didn’t want to leave this beautiful earth, but I was so alone. I was so unhappy.

Sitting with my arthritic back against the large trunk of the oak tree, legs sprawled in front of me, I sat there like a rag doll. I sat there in that idyllic place surrounded by colour and beauty, and I cried. Loud, ugly, snotty sobbing that was very undignified.

 Part Two

I imagined shrinking down to a miniature sized me and sailing off down the forest stream in a hazelnut shell, far away from all the dread and from all the pain.

Wiping the salty tears out of my swollen green eyes, I looked up from the mossy ground, and for a moment I thought I must have fallen asleep and was having a wonderful dream. Standing before me on the other side of the water was the most magnificent sight. A regal looking stag with enormous antlers headed a crowd of curious looking woodland creatures. His golden chestnut coat shone with a heavenly light and his deep brown eyes fixed upon mine. An abundance of red and grey squirrels, humbug striped badgers, ginger foxes, silky brown mice and voles. Every kind of woodland bird from tiny tree creepers to colourful jays; a thousand more eyes staring right at me.

The stag took a few elegant steps forward into the stream and stopped a little distance from where I was still sitting, frozen with shock but not in fear.

“Rowena my child. Do not cry so.”

The strong, beautiful voice that spoke to me came from the stag. He knew my name. I had no idea how or even what was happening, but somehow this perfect creature seemed familiar to me.

“We are here for you Rowena, we, the guardians of this ancient place have always been here, waiting for you to return.”

With a shaking voice. I asked,

“Who are you and how am I able to communicate with you?”

There was a chatter of voices from the gathering of animals behind the stag, who seemed to be their leader, and he turned his handsome face back towards them. One look from him was all it took for the crowd to return to silent observation.

“My name is Silvanus, and I am the God of the woods. I have been here since the birth of time itself; protecting and keeping this realm secret. The reason that you can understand me, is because I am allowing you to. Although you have visited this place for many years, the time was not right then for us to reveal ourselves. We remained hidden but always watched over and protected you my child.”

An overwhelming feeling of recognition and calmness washed over my body like a warm wave. I recalled the many times that I played under these trees as a child, and when as a teenager I had hidden deep in their shady depths after playing truant from school.

With a little embarrassment, I also remembered the secret liaisons of my husband and I when we were still young and in the throes of passion.

This vast forest with its secret hiding places and crystal-clear streams, had always played a part in my life. The woodland and its inhabitants were my life-long friends; always there, dependable and comforting. This was my safe retreat from the real world.

 Part Three

“I know what it is you have come here to do Rowena.”

 Said Silvanus.

“Your body is tired and old, and your soul is weary of solitude. Banlen the wise sent a message to me and I wasted no time in gathering the assembly.”

As Silvanus spoke to me, I guiltily fingered the pill bottle.

“Who is Banlen?” I asked.

“Banlen is the Oak tree behind you. He has been your constant friend and guardian since you were a small girl, keeping me informed of your movements whenever you showed up in this part of the forest.” He replied.

I was astonished. Turning around to face Banlen, I could suddenly hear a soft whispering and a low humming which I understood was him telling me he loved me.

“Oh Banlen” I cried. “My faithful friend, thank you for always being there. Thank you for holding me up in troubled times and sheltering me from the rain and wind. Thank you for your shade and protection. I will always love and remember you.”

It was at that moment that Silvanus and all the other animals crossed the stream and a golden vixen spoke to me.

“This is not goodbye Rowena.” Her voice was pure and melodious. “Come; We have something to show you.”

The afternoon sun was filtering through the forest canopy, creating freckles of light that danced upon the backs of the woodland creatures as we moved on mass deeper and deeper into the great woodland.

Having left my shoes behind, my bare feet relished the feel of the soft green moss and lichen on the ground beneath them. After a little while the animals all stopped by a large opalescent pool of water. There were flowers of such bright rainbow colours and enormous green ferns surrounding this mysterious and awe-inspiring place. Caves led off from various points around the pool, and lengths of dark green ivy trailed over grey and purple rocks. The birds within our group began to sing, it was the most beautiful sound that I had ever heard.

Silvanus approached my stunned person and told me to enter the water. I felt no fear in doing this and did not hesitate.

As my feet broke the surface of the shining liquid, it surprised me that the water was warm and silky. It was like stepping into a bath of molten silver. I stood still and turned my head to look at Silvanus as he spoke to me.

“You are standing in the Pool of Paradise and you have now entered the Realm of Peace. Please my child, gaze at your reflection and tell me what you see.”

I looked down into the silvery pool and gasped. Staring up at me was my younger self. My white hair was once again long and mousey brown. My skin was peachy, plump and wrinkle free. My eyes were as bright as emeralds and shone back at me with delight. “I am young! I am a girl again Silvanus, but how can this be?”

Unable to tear myself away from the vision in the water, I suddenly heard a deep and joyful laugh come from the benevolent stag. Then all the other animals joined in and I too became infected by the merriment in the air, laughing like I had never laughed in years. I felt so light and so free.

“Forgive me Rowena. I had better explain everything.” Said Silvanus with obvious mirth in his voice.

“You have reached a grand old age, reserved only for the privileged of your kind. But now you find yourself alone and live each day in fear. You came here to end your life, unable to bear the loneliness and pain any longer. You hoped that those pills you had in your pocket would send you off peacefully into oblivion and death; You were right.

Banlen watched as you swallowed the entire bottle of pills using water from the stream. Banlen supported your frail, dying body as it slumped against his trunk. Once it was over, he sent for me to bring you home.”

I felt in my pocket for the bottle of morphine pills; it was empty. I tried to think back to when I arrived at the woods. I remembered crying one minute and then seeing Silvanus the next. I looked at my hands, not as a reflection but my real hands. They were the hands of a girl. I lifted a leg out of the water and that also was a young, healthy leg with muscle tone and strength. I ran my fingers through my hair and felt the once familiar thickness and soft curls. I couldn’t help myself, I shrieked with delight! I jumped and splashed as my pain free body was overcome with happiness. I felt as light as a feather and as free as a bird! The animals all rushed to join me in the water and the birds fluttered and danced around me in joy.

“Does this mean what I think it means Silvanus?” I asked. My voice was clear and youthful.

“Yes Rowena, your mortal body died when the pills entered your bloodstream. Banlen will keep your physical remains buried beneath his roots, forever protected and your grave will never be discovered by any living person. All that will be found are your shoes and the camera. Your disappearance will be a mystery.”

“I expect no one will even notice I have gone,” I replied.

“There is someone who has been waiting for you, Rowena. They have been among us in the Realm of Peace for some time, although time does not exist here as it does in the human world. You will never age or feel pain here. There is no death or fear in the Realm of Peace, and it is always spring. You are free to enjoy this Eden and you will never again be alone. Most importantly Rowena, you will always, always have love.”

Silvanus’ words filled me with hope but also confusion. I was dead, at least my decrepit body was, and I was happy and relieved about that. But who else was here in this place of wonder and enchantment? In life I had never known my parents, they had been killed in the war when I was a baby and I had been brought up in a foster home in the countryside. Jack had died from a heart attack in our back garden when he was eighty-five. So, who did I know that could have died in the woods?

Part Four

Stepping out of the water, I sat down next to a rotund looking badger and he handed me a ruby red strawberry the size of an apple. If only I could describe the sweetness and juiciness of that first bite but there are no words that could possibly do the fruity deliciousness any real justice. This must be heaven I thought, or at least it was my heaven. I didn’t know where everyone else went after they died. To think how terrified, I had been of dying. Gosh, if only I had known! I felt like all the weight of life and death had just been cut from me and I had floated away from it like a balloon. All that fear and worrying over dying now seemed like such a pointless waste of earthly energy.

Most of the other animals were sleeping peacefully now and I laid my head down on the soft fur of a rabbit called Renshay, who had snuggled up in my nest of hair.

A shadow passed before my closed eyes and upon opening them I saw Silvanus’ perfect shape standing over me.

“Rowena my child, I must leave you now. I will be back from time to time, but this realm is vast, as you will discover for yourself and I have many more children who need my guidance. However, I will be leaving you in the companionship of your brothers and sisters whom you have already become acquainted with. I also have a gift for you before I depart.”

With this said, the mighty stag moved aside. A boy about my age was stood with a large smile on his youthful face. He had blonde hair the colour of straw and eyes as blue as the ocean. He was wearing clothes made of some soft, mossy material which I realised was the same shade of green as the shift dress that I wore. He may only have been a boy now, but I recognised him immediately.

“Alright Wenny?” Said Jack. Wenny was what he used to call me. “I’ve been waiting for you, isn’t this wonderful?”

We ran into each other’s arms and he smelled of sweet peas and earthy soil.

“Oh, Jack my love, look at us! We are young, forever young Jack! And we are together in this paradise.” I was so happy and overcome with love at the sight of Jack but how did he get there?

“Jack passed away over by the trees at the bottom of your garden.” Answered Silvanus in his velvety voice.” When Jack’s lifeforce left his body, it travelled down into the soil and was taken in by the tree roots. The roots passed Jack’s energy along the underground system until it reached Banlen at the forest. Banlen being the wise tree he is, knew who Jack was and I allowed him to become part of the Realm of Peace.”

Having watched us in the forest over the long years of our lives together, walking and talking, laughing and paddling, sleeping and loving, Silvanus and the other creatures of the forest knew that Jack and I were two souls destined to be together, always and forever.

Jack took my hand in his and we watched together as the mighty stag Silvanus, disappeared into a dark cave on the far side of the Pond of Paradise. We didn’t feel sad, it was impossible to feel anything but joy in the Realm of Peace.

“Come on Wenny,” said Jack. “There’s so much that I want to show you.” So, through the endless carpet of bluebells we ran, hand in hand. Never to be parted again.

The end.