36 comments

Drama

“Ugh, can this elevator be ANY slower?” I yell, my hands balled into fists at my sides. 

The others in the elevator scowling at me. “Can you shut up?” one of them says to me, his gray eyes harder than a rock.

He and I engage in a staring contest, and I win, sticking my tongue out at the boy and winking at him. 

“Why aren’t we moving?!” the boy says, his arms crossed and his thick eyebrows furrowed. Everyone’s eyes widen, and one girl bangs her fist against the doors as if we’re horrible animals that want to devour her soul.

“No,” - the girl’s fist slams into the door which groans - “dammit. I don’t want to be late for class!”

The dim lights flicker above our heads, and another girl jumps behind me, her arms pressing against my thyroid. I gasp in surprise and turn to look at her, feeling like something is clogged inside of my throat.

“Sorry, I’m afraid of the dark,” the girl squeaks, her breathing hard and noisy, pressing her fingers into my shoulders. “I hate the idea of being vulnerable in the dark”

I glance at her, smiling. “It’s fine.”

“I don’t want to get marked for being late! Let me out, stupid thing!” the girl who was banging her fist against the door wails. I see her cradling her fist like a baby - who’s been crying all night - before the lights die out. 

The girl behind me lets out a whimper-like sound, and I hug her even though I’ve never seen her before in school. 

“Did someone turn the lights off?” a voice says, and I hear something that sounds like somebody knocking on wood. 

Somebody rams into me from the side of the elevator. “Ow!” we both say. I land on the floor.

“No, no, no,” someone screams and banging on the door, “get me out of here! Get me out, too many people!” 

I stand up, grimacing as my thighs and butt ache. As I dust off the back of my jeans and walk to where a little slit of light is peeking out between the double doors. 

“Guys, we’re going to be okay, just calm down. Help is going to come soon, alright?” I say, holding my hands in the air and licking my lower lip. I’ve only been here for a few minutes and my throat already seems drier than the Atacama desert - excluding the poles. 

“You can’t tell the future, how do you know?!” someone asks me, their voice high-pitched and faster than the speed at which the peregrine falcon flies. “We might be here forever for all you know!” 

Shuffling noises as people pace around the elevator, which is tinier than a mushroom, so they’re all bumping into each other. 

One girl screams and her hand moves around like crazy, “If you hadn’t told that girl to shut up, we probably wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t be late!”

“If you had shut up about being late, maybe we would’ve gotten out of here peacefully!” another kid says. 

“Everyone shut the hell up! If we keep blaming each other nothing will get done!” the boy with gray eyes says, walking over to where I am standing.

His shoulder touches mine, and I speak, “I agree. If we point fingers, we’ll get nowhere. Do you guys want to get out or not?”

Everyone in the elevator speaks, their voices sounding tired and sore from screaming. 

“Alright, I need to get to class.” one person says.

Someone sighs. “I’ll go with it, but shut up about class, will you?! It’s annoying.”

I feel a small tap on my shoulder. “If they haven’t heard us banging on the doors, why would they hear us now?”

“Yeah, everyone’s in class.”

“What about the people who aren’t in class?” someone asks, their voice sounding desperate.

“They would probably just laugh and leave us in here.” someone else responds, their fiery breath in my face. I gag as I get a whiff of garlic and onions. 

I hear someone gasp as if they have just seen that someone’s fly is wide open. “Holy crap, we’re so freaking stupid!”

Everyone quiets down, probably offended at being called stupid. 

“How?” a girl asks, breaking the silence. Her voice is quieter than a mouse, as if she’s nervous. 

“There’s an emergency button to call someone in every elevator - but I dunno who the button calls.” the person says.

Everyone sighs and throws their hands up.

“Maybe a staff member? I mean, the button wouldn’t call a random person, right?”

“I’m not calling a random person, I’m already uncomfortable enough with all these people around me.” 

The gray-eyed boy sighs. “Why don’t we just try the ‘door open’ button?”

Someone stomps to the front of the elevator and smacks the boy’s shoulder. “You think I’m stupid, man?! I pressed all of those buttons,”

I step in front of the boys. “Okay, maybe you didn’t see the ‘door open’ one. Leave him alone.”

The gray-eyed boy scoffs, and the other boy glares at me, his nostrils flaring.

“It’s getting warm in here,” someone comments, and everyone groans as we realize how warm it is.  My forehead sweats, I can feel it dripping down like tears. 

I hear the knocking on wood noise again, and a trail of light slowly tiptoes into the elevator. The lights flicker on and everyone in the elevator stares at each other for a moment. 

“You guys better not have made me late to class!” a girl yells as she runs out the door and down the hallway, her face red. 

“So uncomfortable,” someone mutters as they shudder and walk in the bathroom's direction. 

“We got out!” I cheer, running down the hallway and waving to everyone as I leave. The gray-eyed boy walks next to me as I slow my pace. I stare at him. 

“Are you following me?  I thought you disliked me”

He looks at me, his eyes wide and his eyebrows furrowed. Three lines form on his forehead. “Hell to the no!  I don’t like you, I’m going to class.”

September 11, 2020 02:04

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36 comments

Kristin Neubauer
17:52 Sep 12, 2020

Hah! That's cute, Raquel. I think you captured the students' angst really well - loved the ending!

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Raquel Rodriguez
18:35 Sep 12, 2020

Thanks, I’m glad you liked the story! I have severe claustrophobia, so I would be dying if I were in the story, lol. :)

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Kristin Neubauer
18:53 Sep 12, 2020

Wow - did writing about it trigger any feelings of claustrophobia for you?

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Raquel Rodriguez
01:37 Sep 13, 2020

I was screaming because I enjoy imagining the situation before I write. Once, my friends and I were playing hide and seek in the front lawn. One of my friends and I were hiding in her dad’s car, and I heard my friend counting, so I just hopped in. I remember I couldn’t move my legs or hands and I panicked. So I banged on the door, screaming, “Let me out!”

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Kristin Neubauer
11:16 Sep 13, 2020

Talk about suffering for your art! I am going to go back and read again with your claustrophobia in mind. It is such a high-quality story already, but knowing the background adds another level of interest for me!

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Raquel Rodriguez
15:04 Sep 13, 2020

Thank you so much! :D

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Corey Melin
01:55 Oct 03, 2020

Great dialogue in this little tale of the dreaded elevator. Enjoyed the read of the different perspectives of ones in the elevator

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Raquel Rodriguez
16:29 Oct 03, 2020

Lol, thank you! 😁

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Charles Stucker
22:05 Oct 02, 2020

Having power restored randomly is typical for power out in an elevator, so it makes a good stopping point. You kept everything flowing, right to the end. I particularly enjoyer the little insertions of similes and metaphors, "speed of a peregrine falcon" "tinier than a mushroom" etc. Good response to this prompt.

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Raquel Rodriguez
16:01 Oct 03, 2020

Thank you, Charles! 😁

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The Cold Ice
03:17 Sep 26, 2020

Wow!!This is fantastic.I loved the ending.Great job keep it up.Keep writing.Well written.The score is 10/10 Would you mind to read my story “The dragon warrior part 2?”

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Raquel Rodriguez
19:53 Sep 26, 2020

Thank you! I would love to read your story!

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The Cold Ice
03:15 Sep 27, 2020

Thanks.

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17:55 Sep 22, 2020

Hey, Raquet would you be kind to watch the first video it's on Harry potter. https://youtu.be/KxfnREWgN14 Sorry for asking your time, I would ready your story

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Raquel Rodriguez
19:52 Sep 22, 2020

Okay, sure, I'll check it out! Thanks! :D I watched it! How about this?: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOKQEuTjEI8&list=TLPQMjIwOTIwMjCza9pvz3KwZg&index=2

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05:16 Sep 23, 2020

Thanks for reply

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05:20 Sep 23, 2020

I watched it was fab!

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Raquel Rodriguez
11:45 Sep 23, 2020

Lol, I know, right? :)

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B. W.
14:40 Sep 21, 2020

This story was really good and ya did great with it :) so you know what imma do? 10/10

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Raquel Rodriguez
18:07 Sep 21, 2020

Lol, thanks a lot! I appreciate it! :D

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B. W.
18:10 Sep 21, 2020

no prob ^^ i was also wondering if you could maybe help me with something?

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Raquel Rodriguez
14:59 Sep 22, 2020

What is it?

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B. W.
15:01 Sep 22, 2020

I'm working on a novel and i've hit writers block

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Raquel Rodriguez
15:15 Sep 22, 2020

Oh, well, if you want, you can send me an email?

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Maya W.
00:14 Oct 01, 2020

Hey Raquel! No school I've ever been to lets me use the elevator (only for teacher's and kids with disabilities), so I honestly can't related to this, but with your writing skill, it feels like I'm right there, which is nice. You're very skilled at writing dialogue, too. All in all, great job! Would you mind checking out some more of my stories here? Thanks!

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Raquel Rodriguez
11:23 Oct 01, 2020

Thank you, Maya! I'll check out your stories, no problem. :)

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LILY DAWN
16:53 May 16, 2021

Hi, I'm back on one of my favorite stories of yours. I just wanted to check-in and see how you're doing. Hope I'm not disturbing

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Raquel Rodriguez
12:37 May 17, 2021

Hello! :D I'm doing pretty well, but honestly I don't feel like writing on here at all so idk what's wrong-. Oh no, you aren't disturbing at all!

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LILY DAWN
16:10 May 18, 2021

You KNOW. but I'm glad ur good

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Raquel Rodriguez
18:07 May 25, 2021

Thank you! So what have you been doing lately?

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LILY DAWN
10:25 Jun 08, 2021

Well it was my birthday on May 27, and most of our schools closed down. In my country we're now in a current lockdown because the cases have gone really high, and many people are dying really unexpectedly.

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LILY DAWN
10:26 Jun 08, 2021

We're doing finals online and this is our last week

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