So much has happened....

It sucks. It is tragic.. It is heart breaking. It is life changing. It is pathetic . It is just so damn bad . I feel as if my life will never go on. There is a void that can never be filled, because there is no other love in this world like the love of my mother. There is so much that she has missed and will miss. It rips me up and tears me down. I feel empty; I feel lost. It leaves a huge gaping hole in my heart that will never, ever heal. It messes with my mind. It brings anger into my heart, anger that I know my mother wouldn't want me to feel, but I feel it anyway.

On the bright morning of 12 September , when in the beautiful porch my mom was massaging my head , reciting my favourite poem for me …Suddenly her gentle hands escaped my head and she started bleeding ..spluttering blood all over me ! I was scared out of my wits and dashed to my living room , screaming at the top of my voice for dad  and with shaking hands dialed 102 barely managing to control my voice .

So much had happened in the past 1 month ! The memory of seeing my mom being carried away on the stretcher was still so Vivid in my mind ! Oh , how I wish I could forget it ! That memory was eating me up inside ! After a day or two …Me and my dad were cooped up in my mom’s hospital room, where she lay comatose when the doctor opened the door briskly with the report held firmly in her hands and as soon as I heard those words , “limited time left “ , I collapsed on the bed….all the tears I had controlled , now flew uncontrollably  …..all my happy memories with mom rushed through me… I wanted to  re-live them ..hold onto them forever !

I held my mom’s hand firmly during that night in the hospital …not wanting her to slip away from me …ever! The voice of the nurse still echoed in my head “she has acute Leukemia I’m sorry but she has limited time “I cried my eyes out making sure mom was asleep… I wanted to act strong atleast in front of her…. I could not afford allowing my emotions to take control of me.

We all worked tirelessly to find a donor who could donate some WBC and a kidney too…we didn’t have much time as it was on last stage and unfortunately me or my dad could not donate. All our efforts drowned in water …A pang of guilt still haunts me ..”Would she be alive now if only I had found a donor?” …”Was it because of me that she suffered death ?”

The weeks following were a blur of hospitals, medicine, numerous but pointless surgeries, countless tears , vain efforts  and unfulfilled prayers. After about a week or so I had to wave good -bye to her ..I sat beside her grave and poured my heart out. There were so many things I wanted to tell her …I told her all!

Though not wanting to, I dragged my heels to my home and gave a shoulder to dad to cry on …we only had each other to hold onto now…. Mom’s death had left us shattered and devastated! Our lives had took a complete turn!  Every time I walked out now, I had no finger to grab …no one to pester …no one to stop me from buying unnecessary things. Sympathetic eyes darted in my direction as I made my way to my best friend , Noa’ s house , Her mother exhibited the same comforting aura as my mother  had once  and that made me feel good . 

So much had changed in the past month ! Mom’s death has turned me , a silly ,immature , carefree teen into a mature and responsible teen. I wonder how mom used to manage doing everything in the house …from laundry to cooking….to helping me in studies …buying groceries…she really was a superwoman ..today when I try to do this .. I’m fully drained and pissed off at the end of the day!

Now it’s not mom that braids my hair but my dad…its not mom now who kisses me goodnight, but dad...it’s not mom now who waves goodbye to dad when he leaves for work but me ….all what mom once did was now by dad or me! So much has changed!

I can still feel my mom’s comforting presence in the house ..her silver eyes smiling at me ….her soft hands caressing my face ….her tender lips gently kissing me ! Even today I barge into her room hoping to find her seated on the bed whilst in her hands her favourite book’s pages flapped fitfully ..hoping against hope that all this was nothing more than just a nightmare …..a terrible nightmare!

Her picture in my room makes me feel that she is with me ….watching how great of a survivor am I ..she wouldn’t want me crying but standing strong ready to knock off anything that blocks my way ! I take a deep breath and shut my eyes….she floats in front of me …with her blond hair plaited…her amiable grin…she is wearing a tropical frock holding my hand on the beach as the wind blows ..sun shining on us !

When I think of her , I feel happiness; I feel content; I feel loved; I feel overwhelmed; I feel enamored; I feel comfort; I feel lifted; I feel blessed; I feel honored; I feel inspired; I feel hopeful; I feel strong; I feel like myself again.

And when I finally realize that life continues on, I realize I am here to live it, and live it for her. I remember the kind of life she wanted for me , and that's a happy life. I feel her in the wind and I see her in the stars, she visits me in my dreams and she guards me with all of her heart. Her lessons and moral values she taught me are helping me navigate through life . I will feel rejuvenated, I will feel her hug, I feel her heart and that is when I will feel brand new. And each and every day I will realize that I have all of these feelings, because I was lucky enough to call her my mother.