I’m so glad you were able to make it! I’ll show you around, but we must go over the rules while we are at it.
Rule #1: When you meet grandma introduce yourself as anything you want! Just make sure you don’t say the name, Ted! Uh, wait what’s your name again? It’s not ted is it…well it’s not anymore!
Rule #2: Make sure you don’t go into grandpa’s room. He’s a pretty old guy sometimes he gets dazed and confused. If you see him leave the room just hand him the heart on the breakfast bar, you can’t miss it, and the old dude will go back in…just make sure you don’t make eye contact!
Rule#3: You can roam the house just make sure you don’t go into the north corner of the basement! That’s where Johnny is! Now he’s a pretty chill dude but he has made it clear that anyone there is fair game and well we respect boundaries in this house! Just to be safe just don’t go down there at all…
Rule#4: Now I know the living room seems a bit weird but hey interior designers for ya! Oh if you look over there you see Tanya make sure you don’t irk her in any way! We don’t want Tonya to come out. Unfortunately, each guest irks Tanya in their own special way so hope you don’t find yours! Know what bud I think you should steer clear of this one…
Rule #5: Well bud I see you looking at the alter over there. Look but don’t touch I don’t want to wrangle another person’s soul out of it again! Nasty business. On that note, if you see anyone that has a blue tinge that’s just your friendly ghost coming to visit and it’s nothing to be worried about…
Rule#6: Help yourself to anything! Just don’t ask what it is and it won’t hurt you. Besides Grandma spent all this time on it and we wouldn’t want to offend her, would we?
Rule#7: That's a bud! Oh, you need to use the restroom? Well, it’s upstairs at the very end of the hallway! Just remember on the last step just kinda hop over it, wouldn’t want to lose another friend to the red rug! And also Remember rule number #2 don’t go into grandpa’s room! Just ignore the screaming the bastard is just trying to get another snack.
Rule#8: Oh hey your back! Glad to see the step didn’t get yeah, wise man! Oh, you heard screaming? I kinda hoped the old man was asleep…it didn’t sound like an old man screaming? Well, it’s best to just leave this one alone. Oh, I see you’ve spotted Vivi! She’s pretty nice just make sure you never mentioned onions to her…Why? No one knows. All we know is that whoever asked last was never seen again…really nice girl when you get to meet her.
Rule#9: Oh! and by the way-oh… oh dear someone has turned Tanya into Tonya. She’ll eventually turn back just give her a minute. Now if you happened to see her throw a black orb at you just close your eyes and count to thirty. What do you mean you might open your eyes beforehand? How to escape that? Well from “outsider” stories you will be in pitch black and feel like you are in an animal’s burrow underground. All you have to do is find the hole and go through and you’ll be back in this plane of reality. Simple enough!
Rule#10: Oh on to what I was saying beforehand oh you see the cat over there? Yeah, his name is Rocko. Yeah just like the rock that torments Elmo on sesame street. If you go near him you can pet him, it usually stops him from talking about singing away your soul for some unknown number of years for fame, wealth, and or your deepest desires. Just ignore him I know his deals are pretty tempting, trust me we've all been there.
Rule#11: Wow I know we’ve gotten past ten rules and that seems like a lot just hang in there bud. Ah, I see you’ve met barthonlemue. Yes, he does dress as a knight for fun… yes he does wear it every day. No no he’s not one of the ghosts I've mentioned earlier they usually don’t appear well past midnight. Yes, I would agree he is pretty loud. Oh does he have any quirks you should be aware of? No, he’s just a weird dude. To be honest I think he’s the weirdest thing here.
The actual Rule#11: Ah sorry bud, It seems we both got a little distracted. What I meant to point out there is Gwen. Yeah yeah, she’s a killer at karaoke. However, if you randomly start hearing her voice talking about going skinny dipping in the sea and it’s no longer the lyrics to Love Shack do your best to ignore it. Is she a serin your asking? No, I don’t think she is, however, none of us have ever figured that part out. Hey, don’t worry we’ve banned karaoke in this house just be careful whenever she sings to herself. Nah I shouldn’t be too worried your not really her type.
Rule #12: Don’t worry bud the end is near ok, just a few more rules and you’ll be here scot-free and having the time of your life. Now my little brother, pray he gone to be by now, might try to tell you your future. Now believe me the stuff mat seem plausible and you might actually experience it but you won’t promise! Oh tarot cards seem harmless you say? Well, let's just say you clearly haven’t seen any of the pictures move and just be glad they haven’t come to life yet. The eight of cups are not so bad, the hanging man leaves scars man. Anyway just steer clear of him.
Rule# 13: Oh it’s almost midnight, I guess explaining everything has taken a hot moment. Sorry about that bud I was really hoping you would have some time to mingle and get to know some people. Ah well The last and final rule is don’t kiss the monster at midnight--Wait are you? NO WHAT DID I SAY!