In my mind

Her:

In my mind, we were a movie; no subtitles and in a different language, but nonetheless, a beautiful production. You felt like the sunlight melting the layer of ice built on the surface of my skin. Exactly what I needed to complete myself. The only person that I could be happy around. You showed me how to let my guard down and break the pattern of toxicity. It felt like you were the only one who understood me, and some days, it still does. Our love was truly a sight to see, so when you said you want to separate, I can’t help but wonder where it’s coming from. I was always there to love you after a hard day. To ease your stress, and you, mine. 

“We just aren’t who we were before,” you say, drained and walking out of our dining room. Who we were before was who we are now, we are just growing and building comfort. We’re still the ones who had 2 person dance parties in our living room. Who took turns picking songs to act like we were in a music video when we took road trips. We were still effortlessly us. 

Our sweet, little life that we built together. A small house with dark wine walls and an outdated structure. Endless dinners, holidays spent, dinner parties we’d host. The leak in the bathroom ceiling we’ve tried to fix but I think broken gives it character. We were such a good team. Found a house that suits us perfectly. Remember when we first bought the house and had our friends over for game night? They told us just how much we inspired them to fall in love. We were an example to people that didn’t think they would ever fall in love again. A dream come true to a damsel in distress. You made the impossible possible. You made long, hard days at work worth it. Every broken heart that I endured before you was worth it, to have landed in your encapsulation of true love. You’re my safe space, I don’t know how to let that go, how to let YOU go when there’s nothing I want more.

“I still love you…but do you still love me?”  I think as I’m left alone in my mind. This moment doesn’t feel real to me. I never would have expected this day to come. I thought we were a happily ever after tale. I thought we’d someday write a book about soulmates and read it to our children. But now all I can think of is ways I could have tried harder to keep you before you left. Where did we go wrong? Was it something I did? I thought we were happy, but were you not this whole time? In my mind, we were perfect. How could I not tell? 

Him:

In my head, all we do is argue. We used to be silly and happy. But, the fights flooded in like the night tide at the start of winter. Maybe I never truly knew you. Maybe I let your beauty hide just how fucking crazy you are. I don’t understand a single thing about you.

“But nothing's changed!” You shout back as I walk away from you, and us.

And that right there, is precisely our problem. Ever since YOU changed, nothing has changed. That stupid leak in the bathroom ceiling. You complain about it every damn day but when I try to fix it, you blow up again. Nothing pleases you. It never has. That’s how we got stuck here, you wouldn’t settle for a simple apartment, you wanted an “aesthetically retro” house of your own. And silly me, I wanted to finally please you. So here I am $500,000 in debt. In my mind, we were over 9 months into our almost 3 year relationship. You got comfortable; which to you, meant announcing every flaw in me. I guess I never knew what love was but you made me want it. You were the stars in the sky, until the sun rose and you were gone, leaving the blazing truth and me behind. We used to host game nights and dinner parties in this broken home. Our friends would sit in the dining room whispering amongst themselves about how toxic we were as we were in the bedroom arguing. Imagine the embarrassment I felt when walking out of the bedroom just seconds after you exploded on me for setting Ashley’s food on her plate before yours. The assumptions were the real downfall. As much as I’d like to blame this dreadful house, it was you. You broke us from the start. Remember when you came to my parents House for dinner after our anniversary? My entire family was there and I got a phone call from an unsaved number that happened to be a woman calling the wrong number. Remember how you reacted? Cause to you; you simply “made an ugly comment. You grabbed my phone from the side table and threw it across the room. You walked off crying, and naturally, I chased you. We sat in my childhood bedroom as you told me how shitty of a boyfriend I was. How disgusted you felt to have ever touched me. You told me you hated me. And I didn’t say anything except “I love you.” That’s the “us” I remember, the part of you even you refused to believe could come out. You were never really there for me. 

I’m driving to my parents house, yet it’s all still on my mind. “I still love you..but could you ever love me?” My heart whispers to my mind. But I can’t recall a moment you showed me that you loved me for me. Were you only here for the dates and #couplegoals posts that flood your social media? I was cold before meeting you, you changed me just to break me the same way. But everything has to be broken for you to finally love it right? How could you call this love? 

They separated and never saw each other again after that day. But the thought of one another never left their minds.Unfortunately, there is no happy ending. Sometimes there’s just an ending.