Anywhere Away From Here

There is a certain serene beauty in mindless, repetitive tasks Luke found as he was chopping vegetables. The smooth glide of the knife, slicing through everything like butter, the consistent knocking against the cutting board that echoed throughout the otherwise quiet kitchen, all required just enough brainpower to keep him occupied while still allowing his mind to wander wherever it needed to at the moment.

For minutes on end, that was all he heard, the intermittent, sharp sound of the knife, lulling his tired brain into a sense of calmness. At moments his gaze left the cutting board completely, getting lost in the iridescent moon shining through the small kitchen window.

And then all was disrupted, his beautiful tranquility, his cutting as quiet vibrations echoed throughout the room. Luke spared a quick glance at his ringing phone, his brows furrowing, lips pressed tight. He hung up without sparing it a second thought before swiftly returning back to his task.

As the small pieces of the chopped-up vegetables piled up on the cutting board he brushed them all off with one swift move of a knife into a pot of water. Though as soon as his workspace was all cleaned back up, the phone rang again.

“Oh, fuck off,” Luke sighed under his breath, hung up again, and returned to work. But his serenity didn’t return. With tense shoulders, the movements of his hands and knife became sharper, quicker, more aggressive, ones imitating a quickly ticking time bomb.

Just breathe, he told himself as he attempted to concentrate on the sound of the knife instead of the mess that started to accumulate in his mind. In and out, simple as that.

It wasn’t that simple. The godforsaken phone rang yet again, causing the blond man to completely stop. His gaze glued itself to the lit-up screen, the number displayed on it seemingly mocking him, daring him to hang up yet again. His hand strayed, running nervously through his wavy hair, tugging on it as if it was trying to pull the anxiety out of his head.

“Go to hell,” Luke muttered and snatched the phone from the counter, lifting it up to his ear. Anger of the past few months gathered to the forefront of his mind, vile words getting ready to spill out of his mouth as soon as he picked up.

“What do­—”

“Luke?”

The voice from the other side caused him to pause. It was so meek, exhausted sounding, the complete opposite of what Luke had expected to hear. He couldn’t even find words for a moment. No matter how much he hated to admit it, it hurt hearing Calum again, he had missed it to the core.

“Luke? Are you there?”

Something was off, something wasn’t okay with the man on the other side. Luke could practically see him fidgeting over the phone. The flaming anger was quickly dulled out from within the blond as he took in a deep breath in an attempt to recollect himself.

“What’s going on?”

“I – I uh... I’m out and—I need a ride.”

“For hell’s sake Calum—”

“Luke, please,” the voice on the other side cut him off again wavering as it did so. Quick and shallow breathes echoed through the phone. “It’s so dark, I can’t – I don’t know what else to do.”

Luke found himself pinching the bridge of his nose. He wasn’t going to help Calum, that was completely out of the question. After all the mess he had put the blond through, the fucking heartache and anger, he just wasn’t—

“Fine,” the sharp word left his mouth against his better judgment. For fuck’s sake, how did the man have him wrapped around his finger so easily?

The surprise over his agreement came from the other side as well as stunned silence was all that was heard for more than a few moments before Calum actually found words again. “Really?”

“Just tell where you are before I change my mind,” Luke murmured, already half regretting his decision and heart already beating at the thought of having to see Calum again.

***

In theory, this wasn’t a hard task. All Luke needed to do was drive to town and give a ride to his ex – was Calum even an ex? They technically didn’t break up, so even that area was murky. Whatever they were shouldn’t even matter that much, it was just a short ride; 20 minutes to there and another few to wherever Calum needed to go. Spending twenty or so minutes with the raven-haired man shouldn’t be that big of a problem, they’d done it millions of times before.

But they were together back then.

Unfortunately for Luke, things didn’t appear to want to go smoothly for him, as if the universe had decided that he had some karmic debt he needed to pay off and that this was a perfect opportunity to do so. Suddenly, as he drove through the empty road, everything was starting to get on his nerves. The orange-tinted lights, the lone car that passed him at one point, as if the driver needed permission from him specifically to travel to wherever they needed to. For hell’s sake, even the radio – which he had intentionally turned way up to drown out any of the thoughts that wanted to blossom in his mind – was starting to drive him crazy.

The bright red traffic light eventually made him stop and only then Luke noticed how his fingers, normally curled tightly around the steering wheel now rested atop it, fingernails nervously tapping away at the leather with increasing frequency and irritability. Fuck. It was just Calum, he told himself. But no matter how many times he repeated that mantra, his heart didn’t stop thumping loudly against his gradually heaving chest. The closer his destination came, the worse things got.

Why was he even nervous? He shouldn’t have to be nervous; he was doing the man a huge favor! No sane person in his situation would be doing this. Calum was the one that fucked everything up, he was the one that left one day out of nowhere. No note, no nothing! All he left behind was a heartbroken Luke.

It took the blond months, months, to pick himself back up, to put the puzzle of his life back into completion even when a vital piece of it was missing. And all for what? For Calum to just come back out of nowhere and start acting like nothing had taken place beforehand?

Absurd. It was all so absurd.

 ***

It only took a few minutes of driving around different streets for Luke to find where Calum was waiting. The blond recognized him as soon as the headlights of his car cast themselves upon him. There, pressed tightly to the walls of a library stood the tall, tanned man, wrapped tightly in multiple layers of clothes to protect himself from the autumn cold. Even with how much Luke was mentally preparing himself for everything, the sight still put him back on edge. Calum had undoubtedly changed over the few months they hadn’t seen one another. The scruff usually decorating his face was now shaven clean off and the hair he normally made sure to keep short was grown longer, showing off his dark curls.

As soon as the man noticed him, he peeled himself off the wall and jumped into the car, throwing Luke a quieter than usual ‘hey’ accompanied with a small smile. Something seemed amiss, but the blond couldn’t put his finger on it, as the car was overtaken by a subtle lime scent. Without shifting his eyes much off the road Luke just grunted a noncommittal response.

“Thank you so much for this, really. Someone else was supposed to come and get me, but they bailed on me at the last minute. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

Luke shouldn’t care really. He shouldn’t care how Calum’s voice was slightly quivering as he spoke. And he shouldn’t care about how the man’s chest was heaving even though he tried to cover it up. Something was off, Calum was anxious, and he was trying his best to cover it up, even though the Calum Luke knew before never got anxious. Not to this extent.

But Luke pressed on. It wasn’t his place to say anything and so he wasn’t going to. If Calum was going to act like nothing was wrong and like nothing had happened, then that was his prerogative and Luke shouldn’t care about that. If Calum wanted to talk before, if he wanted Luke’s actual company instead of just using him like an uber, he could’ve easily done that. He had his number, he could’ve called, he could’ve texted, he could’ve done anything!

The blond couldn’t bring himself to say any of that, to spill out the emotions bubbling within him like boiling water, slowly building up steam in his head. “Where to?” was all he grumbled out after minutes of quietness, with his eyes fixated on the patchy road.

“143 Westwood road. Thanks again really.”

And with that said, they fell back into uncomfortable silence, with both of the men stewing in their own thoughts. God, what would Luke give to know what was going on in Calum’s head. Was he regretting asking him to drive? Wad he regretting all that had happened before, all their previous fights and quarrels, all that lead to this? Was he missing him? The blond almost physically shook his head to rid himself of those thoughts and his fingers curled tighter around the steering wheel. All of that didn’t matter now. None of their past did. All because Calum forced the both of them to leave it behind.

It soon seemed as if the raven-haired man couldn’t take the quietness anymore, uncomfortably shifting in his seat, constantly adjusting himself. “So, uh, what’s new?”

A cold shiver ran down Luke’s spine. They hadn’t done small talk in a while. It was like they were strangers all over again. He didn’t like that thought or the idea of having to slug through a conversation that neither of them wanted to have. “Nothing.”

Calum’s gaze traveled down Luke’s body as if he were evaluating him or his answer. “Okay then, how are you doing?” he pushed on, slowly getting on Luke’s nerves. For hell’s sake didn’t he make it obvious he didn’t want to talk?

With a deep sigh, Luke finally tore his gaze from the road just to give the other man a quick once over. Fuck, his doe eyes just bore straight through his soul and trying to coerce it right out of his mind. “Look, you don’t get to ask how I’m doing. I’m just here to play your uber and then you can continue pretending like I was never in your life, to begin with.” Luke wasn’t going to let it out, he wasn’t going to let Calum close again.

The coldness of Luke’s voice didn’t escape the other man as his shoulders sagged deep, even his words had gone softer. “Luke, please, don’t be mad.”

“Don’t be mad? For fuck’s— you fucking left! After a fucking year of me cleaning up your messes and constantly putting up with your bullshit and taking care of your drunken ass every other day you just fucking left—”

“— I went to rehab”

The car suddenly swerved hard as Luke momentarily lost his focus on the road, causing them both to toss around like ragdolls. “You what?” The shock must’ve been evident in his voice and face by the way Calum was looking at him.

“You heard what I said, I’m not repeating myself,” Calum mumbled, seemingly more to himself than to the blond as his gaze fell onto his lap, fingers picking at the frays on his jeans as if they were the most interesting thing in the car.

“Why would you need to go to rehab? Whenever I asked you  about it, you just brushed me off because ‘you didn’t have a problem’”

It wasn’t hard to miss how as soon as he said those words Cal’s breathing picked up yet again and his faded lips pressed into a line. Maybe Luke shouldn’t have said all of this. Maybe he should’ve held back.

“Stop it, please,” was all that the raven-haired man whispered, making Luke’s heart lace with tinges of guilt. He definitely shouldn’t’ve said all that.

Luke muttered a quiet 'sorry' in response as he attempted to recollect himself and ease the nervousness and frustration coiling themselves in his throat.

After a few more silent minutes of driving, Calum spoke up again. “Yes, I had a problem, a pretty big one at that. But I was ashamed to admit it to anyone, even to myself. It was like ‘if I don’t acknowledge it it’s not there’ type of logic. And I was afraid you, uh, would judge me—”

“—I wouldn’t’ve judged you,” Luke intercepted and took a quick glance at the man sitting beside him. “You had a problem and you needed help with it. I was mad though because you kept shutting me out whenever I tried to help you.”

Cal sighed, gaze fixed on his fidgeting hands. Fuck, they were shaking so much now. “I know, I didn’t like it either, but I just didn’t know how to stop any of it. I saw the toll it took on you and others and that kinda brought me back to my senses. The next day I packed up my things and I… I signed into rehab.”

“You could’ve at least texted me,” the blond mumbled, pushing a stray curl behind his ear. It was getting hard for him to see the road as his vision started blurring more and more. Just to stay on the safe side of things, the car’s turn signal blinked, and Luke pulled the car off the road. “You could’ve left a note, any sort of explanation instead of just vanishing into thin air.”

“I wanted to Luke, trust me I tried. I wrote so many notes trying to explain it, but… it hurt, and I was so scared. So in the end I just… chickened out”

Tears started creeping their way out of Luke’s eyes, though he didn’t attempt to keep them at bay. “And you didn’t think it would hurt me? Years of building a life together for you to just disappear into thin nothing? It fucking broke me! Do you know who long it took me to convince myself that hey, maybe this wasn’t all my fault?” A comforting hand was placed atop his shoulder though Luke quickly brushed it off. He didn’t want the other man’s pity, not now.

“Of course it wasn’t your fault, none of it ever was.”

“And how was I supposed to know that?”

All Luke received in response was silence. Breathe, he just needed to breathe. He wiped the tears from his eyes and once he could finally see clearly, he continued the mistake of a drive they had started.

For a while, neither of them spoke, even the radio that would normally be the one to puncture the quietness with its songs and occasional chatter was now turned off. Luke distracted himself by attempting to focus on the road that stretched ahead of him, onto where they were headed, even though his gaze occasionally escaped to the other man although it was never long before he caught and scolded himself.

Calum on the other hand just stared out of the dirtied window, seemingly trying to distract himself as well. Though slowly, the man appeared to have calmed down, hands resting on his lap and breathing evening out to the point it wasn’t as noticeable anymore.

It was only when they were just a few blocks away from their destination that Calum spoke back up again. “I’m really sorry.” His mahogany eyes pierced right through Luke. “I fucked up, not just with the whole leaving out of the blue thing. Even uh before that with… everything else really. I shouldn’t have let my drinking go as far as it did.”

Luke let his gaze wander to the other man as he pulled into the driveway, but he said nothing for a few moments, letting the two stew in quietness.

“I’m not going to say that it’s fine and everything’s alright if that’s what you’re expecting,” the blond eventually mumbled as he gave Cal another quick once over.

“No, no, I get it, of course not. I just… you mean a lot to me and like you said, you can’t just forget about a years-long relationship in a matter of months.” Calum sighed and rubbed at his face, fingers massaging at his temples as he was attempting to recollect and reorganize his thoughts. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really regret the way I dealt with everything and if I had the chance to redo it all, I would take it without a second thought. I don’t want to lose you. But I’m scared I already have.”

“I wish I had an answer to that,” was all that Luke mumbled in response to the other man as he motioned him to exit the car.

Calum sighed, unbuckling his seatbelt before throwing one last, tired look at the blond man. “I understand. Thank you so much for the ride though. And uh, if you ever change your mind just text me.”

The blond watched as Calum slowly left to the small building until he disappeared into it. Maybe one day he would be ready to let the pieces of his puzzle return to the way they used to be, to piece his mind back together. The question was just if Calum was ready to stick around long enough for that to happen.