Tears of Love

TW: suicide

TEARS OF LOVE

Iris walked slowly but purposefully. Her baby, just two months old was wrapped in his christening robe and shawl, the one that had been used for family christenings for over 100 years. Her little girl, Nicola had been the last child to wear it until now. That was three years ago. She brought the day to the forefront of her mind. The tiny village church was full, the godparents, her aunt, uncle and sister stood proudly next to her, making their promises to God. 

Nicola was the first of a new generation. Iris had met 19 year old Mike when she was barely 16 and they quickly became inseparable. On their long walks together across the cliffs, they would sit and watch the sea lapping below them and Mike would tell her stories of sea nymphs and creatures of the deep. Iris was particularly enraptured by the tale of Princess Ino, an ancient Greek goddess who, in an attempt to escape punishment for plotting to kill her stepchildren, had thrown herself and her son Melicertes into the sea. They didn’t perish but instead were received by the Nereides and the Olympian gods renamed her Leucothea when she transformed into a sea goddess. Her son was renamed Palaemon and they now accompany Poseidon, god of the sea and protector of seafarers. She could listen to him for hours, never tired of his gentle voice as it carried her away to magical places.

They had married on Iris’s 17^th birthday, in the same church where Nicola was christened almost a year later. They were smitten with their little girl, with her dark brown hair and blue-grey eyes. She was a contented baby, a carefree toddler and an imaginative child who loved scribbling pictures. Iris and Mike kept a constant supply of paper and coloured pencils for her. Sometimes, they imagined they could see creatures resembling mermaids under waves of blue and they wondered if Mike’s stories had somehow come to life in her mind. Occasionally Mike would go out when Nicola was asleep and lay a circle of coloured stones or carve a small window and door into a tree, then on their next walk, the three of them would look out for fairy circles or houses together. It was always Nicola who found them of course and with little squeals of excitement she would usher her parents over to help her look for the little people that must be living there or hiding nearby.

Mike and Iris found they were expecting their second child when Nicola was three years old. They were delighted and explained to Nicola that there was a baby growing inside mummy and that when it was born she would be a big sister. They bought a book that showed the baby’s development and explained every milestone to Nicola during the pregnancy.

Iris’s labour began early one morning and developed quickly. Mike strapped Nicola into her car seat and explained that she would meet their new baby today. Nicola was immediately wide awake then and chattered excitedly all the way to the hospital. Only two hours after settling into the maternity ward, Iris gave birth to a beautiful boy. Nicola was entranced by her new brother. She wanted to know if he was a fairy because he was so tiny. When she was allowed to hold him, their eyes locked for the longest time and it seemed as though they were seeing deep into each others souls. Iris’s heart swelled with joy and pride. Mike thought that this day was perfect.

Later that morning Mike said that he would take Nicola home to make sure the house was all ready for them. Nicola didn’t want to leave, but Mike explained that they had to go and get the special car seat and then they would come back to collect mummy and baby so they could all go home together. Nicola gave her mummy and huge kiss and bent over the little cot to touch the baby’s face, telling him that she would cuddle him lots when he came home.

It was late in the afternoon. Iris was dressed and waiting to be collected. She was beginning to get worried but brushed it aside deciding that there had to be a good reason for the delay. Baby was asleep so she rested her head on the pillow and closed her eyes. 

She was awoken by a doctor softly calling her name. She opened her eyes and looked at the clock. 6 pm! She had slept for over an hour. She sat up and went to pick up the baby, ready to leave. A nurse touched her shoulder gently and said that they needed to speak to her. She looked around expecting to see Mike and Nicola but they still weren’t there. She was confused. Why weren’t they back? The doctor and nurse both had strange looks on their faces. She couldn’t read their expressions but felt strangely lightheaded. “What is it?” she asked “Is something wrong with the baby?” “The baby is fine but there’s something we need to tell you.” Quietly and with a voice shaking with emotion, the doctor told her that her husband had been involved in a car accident, hit by a truck that had lost control. The car had veered off the road down an embankment into the water below. The bodies of her husband and daughter had been recovered from the car. They were so very sorry.  

Iris had stayed in the hospital for six weeks. She was sedated most of that time, her mind and body unable to comprehend or face reality. Someone fed her with tablets and she slept. In her dreams she sees her little girl running towards her, arms outstretched and notices that she has wings. She holds her own arms out to receive the hug but their bodies never touch. Even so, she wanted to stay in her dream world because when she woke up she heard those words again that pierced her heart and the pain was too much to bear. She remembered someone sitting by her bed telling her that God had a reason to take her husband and child, and to take comfort in the fact that the two of them were together. It didn’t make sense to her. There were four of them, not two. She could see her baby, lying in the crib next to her bed and she would reach out to him, but when she tried to pick him up her arms turned to icicles and she was so afraid that they would snap and he would fall to the floor and break. Finally, on the day that he was placed gently into her arms, she was surprised and delighted to find that the heat from his body melted the ice and she felt a warm, tingling sensation course through her body. And eventually the day came when it was time for them to leave the hospital and face life again.

She stood outside the cottage door, waiting for Mike to open it. It took a whole minute to remember. She stepped forward and went inside. The grief immediately overbalanced her and she dropped to the floor, holding tightly to her boy. The baby whimpered and she stood up. She didn’t know how long she had been kneeling there. On the table was a picture that Nicola had been drawing the night before they left for the hospital. It looked like Nicola holding a baby and she had drawn a heart of kisses around them. Typically she had also coloured in waves of blue underneath her feet. She walked into their bedroom. The cot was made up on her side of the bed, a mobile hanging above it. Into Nicola’s room, her unmade bed reminding her of how quickly they had left the house that fateful morning, full to the brim with excitement and hope.

Today the little church was once again full. The two white coffins were laid side by side, the bigger one with a wreath of blue irises and white flowers on it and the tiny one with purples and yellows, Nicola’s favourite colours. Iris could see that some words were being spoken because the vicar’s lips were moving, but the only sound she could hear was the screaming inside her head that had been constant for the last seven weeks. She held her baby close to her chest, too frightened to let him go because the cold penetrated her heart if he wasn’t there to keep it warm. The curtains began to close slowly in front of the coffins. ‘No!’ the word escaped her lips and she ran forward to hold them back. How could she let them go? Someone whispered her name and touched her arm, freezing her to the spot. She watched as the gap closed, inch by inch, until they were gone.

“Today, my love, you are going to be christened” she whispered “and we need to get ready.” Iris lifted the baby from his cot and kissed him gently. She fed and changed him, put on the flowery dress that Mike loved to see her in and dressed the baby in his christening outfit. She left the cottage, walked to the graves of her husband and daughter, placed some flowers, ran her fingers over the words on the stones and left quietly.

As she walked, she recited the story of Princess Ino and her son Melicertes to her baby, of the Nereides and Olympian water gods who transformed and renamed them so that they could roam the seas for eternity.  Leucothea and Palaemon. Funny how she remembers those strange names but such was the impression Mike had made on her when he drew her into his magical tales.

Iris stood on the cliff where she and Mike had spent many hours together, cuddling contentedly and watching the waves crashing to the shore. She held her son close to her, wrapping him tightly in the white shawl. He was asleep now, the scent of him filling her with love. She lifted her eyes to the heavens and cried out ‘we are four!’ Her voice carried away in the sea breeze so she lowered her gaze to her sleeping son and said “Today my beautiful son, I give you the name Laramie, which represents all the tears of love I have cried since the day you were born. It’s time now for us to reunite with your daddy and sister and together we will become one with the Nereides.” Laramie stirred momentarily and opened his eyes. “Don’t be scared little one, I won’t let you go.” The screams in her head had gone now. She was ready.

The water filled her lungs as it washed over them and carried them far out to sea. How long had they been here? Iris thought for a moment that she had been mistaken or had been wrong to believe. Then, as her eyes adjusted to the murky water, she saw two figures in the distance, moving closer towards them, smiling, with their arms held out in welcome. And then they were together again, the four of them, just as it should be.