44 comments

Crime Western

No one knew this man. 

No one cared to.


The man overlapped with black clothing would wander around, eavesdropping on the spoken words while people would be busy polishing their monotone lives against bricked duties. What was a man with dark shaded eyes, clumsy walk, and disintegrated smile doing in a small town like this? Ain’t worth for vacation, so no excuses could be figured out from regular sayings. This man had bigger intentions. Dangerous intentions. The man had an unusual belt strapped around his waist, taking a sneak peek once in a while, through the heavy worn coat. Attached to the edge of the strap, was a hanging object, he knew what it was. And he knew better than to make it public. 


A small blond girl came across the little secret of his and pointed the pink edged finger towards his belt, trying to grab her mother’s attention from the other. The man had no option but to turn his back and run while still pretending to be walking.


“Carson” he mumbled as he made his way to the footstep of a proud building. 


Suspicion lured the minds of many but as they say about humans, they ignored it. 


He did not know what to do then. Or whom to ask? His eyes wandered through the lengths of the architect piece, maybe the darkest house, or the most decrepit one. But fate offered him no luck. He wished he could ask the neatly uniformed person, standing on guard with a tight grip on a black rod. He would’ve if only he did not have blades hanging over his head. It’s been over a month, he’s been shuttling from them, and yet he had not found a stable environment. Not that he was not capable, he had met quite many offers but never secure, he pushed them away. And today, after the numerous steps of sweat and search, the ties had finally tightened. He had found his target, a ray of hope and he was never going to let go of it. 


Carson Roberts. From the constant rummaging of whispers, this is what he got. Nobody really knew Roberts or what was going in his life. Rumours lived on a whiff from the boy who delivered necessary items to his house. Carson never curtailed relationships with anybody and was rarely seen in the open air. Once a man reported to police about Carson, his doubts shadowed that it might lead to an illegal or inappropriate cause. But the police’s search let out gasps of failure when nothing was found. In other words, he was just the person the man needed. 


The thoughts of Roberts dragged him down to the delusions of his past but he shrugged them off just in time. He needed to act fast. Life doesn’t work if one’s thoughts do not consider risk. He had to take risks. Lowering his hat in front of his eyes, he walked towards the leaning guard. 


“Uhm sir,” he cleared his throat “Mr Carson Roberts owes me a huge amount of money. With the ongoing circumstances, I am here to take my money back. Can you tell where can I find him?” The man said, trying to be as polite as possible. 


“It’s on the fifth floor, the third flat. Wait for a second, I’ll just inform him about your arrival.” The guard replied.


“No!” The man involuntarily yelled and bit his tongue. Regaining the lost tranquillity in his voice, he continued “What I mean is, please don’t inform him. He would attempt to run away and all the hopes to get my money back would be lost again.”


The guard’s eyes filled with disbelief for a second but soon flashed approval. After all, that shady rogue was worth the accusation. 

The man walked away with relief, cursing the guard and swearing to take him back.


The man was ready with a clear mindset in his head. But his wicked plan met a full stop in the start only when he found the door unlocked. This Carson boy was really a weird personality. He turned the knob silently and placed his padded feet on the polished tiles. The house was trapped in a pungent smell while minimum light scattered through the unleveled curtains. The man continued his stroll until his knee met the hard surface of the sofa and that’s when he saw him. His prey. 


He pulled up his coat, careful enough to not make a sound and pulled out his gun. Carson still hadn’t noticed him. What a douche.

The building tension inside the four walls tingled the back of the man’s neck and he yelped “Hands up.” 


Carson who was then pouring some water in the glass, with his back facing the intruder, froze. He dropped the glass on the table with a thud and raised his hands over him.


“Turn back” The man yelled, his voice adjusted back to his original tone. 


Carson turned. Roberts had brown papery skin, like the ones used to wrap rolls and his dark eyes bulged from his sockets. It felt like he hadn’t slept in days. He looked quite pale for his age and for a second make the man regret his choice. But he was so near to his desire, the feeling of pity couldn’t overwhelm him. 


“W-who are you?” Carson’s quivering lips moved. 


“Does that even matter?”


“What do you want?” He tried to raise another question. 


The man left out a light chuckle but his expressions remained stern. “You wouldn’t like to know my plans, would you?”


“If only you’d tell me.” 


The man stepped forward and warned “Don’t act smart. You don’t know who I am or what I want. Mind your line”


“I-I”


“Your death!” The man yelled, his nose now almost brushing Carson’s “That’s what I want, your death!”


“W-what. B-b”


“But looking at your fragile soul,” the man said, eyeing Carson from head to toe “I can spare your life if you keep your hands to yourself and run away to a far place without anyone getting a waft.”


“Why are you doing this?” Carson said, with a sudden spark of confidence. 


The man snickered and slid his hand around Carson’s shoulder. 

“It seems like you really want to die,” he said “So I’ll let you die with my secret. At least, you won’t spend your dead hours curiously thinking why you died. Haha.”


The man took a deep breath and continued “Let me tell this in brief. My life has been beyond miserable, my friend. My parents abandoned me as a child so I had to spend my childhood helplessly wandering around this cruel world. A man found me and decided to take me under his care. But I was too young to realize the fact that no one fills your cup without a selfish end. He made me do endless crimes from pickpocketing to bank robbery. It was about a month ago, I was assigned to do the biggest robbery. I almost succeeded and that’s when a security officer saw me. Curse him. I got so scared, I threw the nearest object around me at him. He died on the spot. Ever since, the cops have been after me, with an endless list of crimes. Tell me is it my fault?” 


The man looked at Carson with sorrowful eyes.


“So why do you want to kill me and commit another crime?” 


“Because there is no other option. Once I kill and bury this body of yours, all my problems will be resolved. I’ll live pretending to be you my whole life, chilling out.”


“No. No. No. I won’t let you get away with this. Never:”


The man’s expressions changed and he lunged over Carson, the tip of his gun choking his throat.


“Are you sure?”


“N-no. W-wait. Listen, ah, listen to me” Carson managed to mumble while begging for air.


“What?”


“You can’t”


“Why!?”


Carson remained mum. 


“Why?” The man yelled. 


“Because I too am pretending to be Carson Roberts.”


August 14, 2021 08:29

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44 comments

Frank Chase
10:58 Aug 14, 2021

The twist was amazing. Please write more stories

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Keya Jadav
10:59 Aug 14, 2021

Thank You, Frank. Sure :)

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A B
19:39 Aug 27, 2021

Your totally right the twist ending was awesome really like your work!keep it up😊😊😀😀

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Keya Jadav
05:33 Sep 05, 2021

Thanks a lot! 💜

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Cooper Armstrong
13:55 Nov 02, 2021

AMEN! That last sentence made me fall out of my seat! It was such a great twist.

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Keya Jadav
09:28 Nov 29, 2021

thank you, Cooper!

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Jon R. Miller
09:45 Aug 14, 2021

Wow! I love the twist at the very end. Excellently done! :>

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Keya Jadav
09:52 Aug 14, 2021

Thank You, Jon! I am glad you liked it. :>

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OH MY GOSH. I have no words. This was the best story EVER!

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Keya Jadav
12:34 Aug 22, 2021

Thank you so much, Breckin!! My grin is too wide to express. Thank you!!

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Kazumi Mishima
07:39 Nov 29, 2021

Well, then. I certainly was NOT expecting that! I went inactive for a few days, but man, I'm so glad I came back to this! You described the main character's mannerisms and background very well. It was easy to understand his goals and motivations; it was almost easy to feel bad for him due to his past. Almost, haha. My only critique is to maybe work on your punctuation a bit, especially where dialogue is concerned. There was some missing commas and periods after some phrases. But at the same time, you did write this months ago. So I'm sure yo...

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Keya Jadav
08:16 Nov 29, 2021

Thanks for giving this a read, Pheonix. It means a lot to me. I thought this piece might turn out to be a little bit confusing but I am glad to see you liked it. Yeah, I have been trying to keep in mind the punctuations lately but thank you for pointing that out. Thanks again!!

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Kazumi Mishima
16:30 Nov 29, 2021

No problem! No, it wasn't too confusing. You did well with the execution! You're welcome. It can be tricky at times. 😁

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Cooper Armstrong
13:54 Nov 02, 2021

Hi Keya! I promised that I would read this and I’m sorry that it took me so long. I’m gonna write this as I read ok? Alright, here we go. Ok, I love the ominous sentences that you use to begin the story. Very intriguing and very mysterious. However, your language in the first paragraph is kinda confusing. It’s hard to tell what you are talking about unless you re-read it a couple of times. But other than that it’s a good start. I really liked the line “as they say about humans, they ignored it.” I really really liked it. Very dramatic. ...

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Keya Jadav
16:11 Nov 02, 2021

Oh my gosh! Thank you so much Cooper for your detailed review. It is nice to penetrate the story through the eyes of a reader. I tried a different style in this story, one I have never tried before and the way it turned out led it to one of my favourites. I tried to keep things crisp and short, intentionally carving confusion in the start. I appreciate and thank you for your critique and would definitely take care of the mentioned slip ups. Thanks again!!

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Cooper Armstrong
19:14 Nov 02, 2021

No problem Keya. It was my personal honor and pleasure to get to visit this masterfully created world of yours. I can’t wait to read and comment on more of your amazing works.

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Purvi V
06:52 Aug 23, 2021

This ending caught me Keya! Just WOW!! I seriously don't have words. This is the best story ever!!! Keep writing and posting more breath-taking stories!

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Keya Jadav
06:54 Aug 23, 2021

Thank you so much Purvi!

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Chirag Dave
19:23 Aug 22, 2021

I have no words after reading this story….what a matured writing with exact verbiage and perfect scenes….keep it up Keya.

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Keya Jadav
02:59 Aug 23, 2021

Thank you so much, sir. This means a lot.

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Sir James
14:48 Aug 22, 2021

Nice story and a jaw dropping plot. The story hooked me till the end.! Great Work Keya!! Keep it up.

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Keya Jadav
14:49 Aug 22, 2021

Thanks, Dinesh! I am really happy you liked it!

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Daniel R. Hayes
05:57 Aug 21, 2021

Hi Keya, This was excellent! I really enjoyed reading this. The beginning immediately sucked me in and I thought the story had a certain charm, your voice here is incredible! I also thought the pacing was great and the dialogue was amazing! The ending caught me off guard and what else can I say, but I loved it. Great job!!! :)

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Keya Jadav
06:13 Aug 21, 2021

Thank you so much Daniel, for checking my story out. I am glad you enjoyed it! This really motivates me...thanks a lot!

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Daniel R. Hayes
06:16 Aug 21, 2021

You're welcome!! I look forward to reading more of your fantastic stories soon :)

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Akshara P
04:36 Aug 18, 2021

This story is excellently written, I loved the twist ending so much! The dialogue was wonderful, and the writing was very smooth. Your work really inspires me, Keya.

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Keya Jadav
11:32 Aug 18, 2021

Thanks a lott Akshara!! I love your writing too! The twist was hoped to catch you off guard. I am glad it worked :)

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Akshara P
18:57 Aug 17, 2021

A good twist at the end, I was so surprised, lol. I also like how you played on the prompt, and your use of short sentences. Excellently done, Keya! Keep on writing 😊

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Keya Jadav
11:29 Aug 18, 2021

Thank you Akshara 😊😊

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Esther :)
16:25 Aug 16, 2021

Wait what!!!!!! OMG plot twist. I was so suprised at the end. Lol. This was very well written. Amazing job! I loved the description.

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Keya Jadav
11:37 Aug 17, 2021

Thank you, Esther! This made my day :)

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Esther :)
21:44 Aug 18, 2021

Your welcome! :)

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Philip Ebuluofor
20:33 Aug 15, 2021

Do you know you're the first person in months to comment on my work?, to be honest, I like your work. Reason, I don't know. When I read any work and don't start scrolling to see how long the work is, then it must be good if not wonderful. Your work belong to that category. Keep it up.

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Keya Jadav
11:57 Aug 16, 2021

Thank you, Phillip. Oh, and I love your stories! I am glad that my review helped you get motivated. Trust me, I see some talent boiling in you. Give it some time and you're gonna have your notification bell filled with comments! Looking for more amazing stories of yours. And thank you so much. :D

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Aimee K
10:51 Aug 15, 2021

This is such a good story! And the twist!

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Keya Jadav
11:42 Aug 15, 2021

Thank you, Aimee!!

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Lily Rama
19:36 Aug 14, 2021

OMG! This story is FANTASTIC!! I loved the twist ending, the dialogue was phenomenal, and the writing was so smooth. Wonderful job! Definitely keep writing!

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Keya Jadav
03:29 Aug 15, 2021

Thank you so much for your comment. I am happy you enjoyed reading this. :)

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Lily Rama
13:48 Aug 15, 2021

Yeah, of course! Anytime:)

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Alex Sultan
17:55 Aug 14, 2021

A good twist at the end - I find it to be the highlight of the story. I like how you played on the prompt and your use of short sentences is great here. The story flows nicely. If I could give my feedback, I'd recommend just reading over again to double-check commas. There are a few missing spots.

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Keya Jadav
18:02 Aug 14, 2021

Thank you so much for reading. Sure, I'll consider the suggestions. Thanks.

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Johana Htwe
14:12 Aug 14, 2021

No one fills your cup without the selfish end!!!! So awesome line! The plot is amazing, the grammar, the sentences, they're all PERFECT!! I am so so amazed by how you write this story within a day, Keya. It would take me a week to produce this flawless story. Great Jobbbb!!

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Keya Jadav
15:51 Aug 14, 2021

Thank You so much, Johana!! It means a lot.

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Johana Htwe
16:18 Aug 14, 2021

😍💗💗

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