You, Me & Them

The neighborhood was left damaged, depressed, and drowned in darkness after the storm had beaten the life out of it. But, based on the movement in the sky, another round of humility was fast on its way. 

I pulled into Mr. O’Neal’s driveway and parked. I’d arrived physically, but mentally, I lost bits and pieces of myself along the way. Not that I was whole, to begin with. I couldn’t believe my life had changed in just a couple of hours. I should’ve gone home, curled up into a ball, and cried until I couldn’t anymore. 

I hadn’t told Mr. O’Neal any details when I called earlier, only that it was an emergency. But something told me he already knew it had to do with Adam. Sadly, nothing was going to be or feel the same anymore, which made me uncomfortable. I don’t like change. I never did well with it. 

It started to rain harder when I got out of my car. Mr. O’Neal was already waiting for me with the door wide open. I felt the warmth of the fireplace when I entered, which always made me feel better. 

"Here, come warm up."  

He handed me a maroon throw and motioned at the leather armchair next to the fireplace. 

"Those are for you." 

Two extra strength Tylenol and bottled water were waiting for me on the end table. 

"Thank you."

My head was pounding, so I took them first. I wrapped the throw tightly around me like a security blanket and leaned forward, warming my hands. Mr. O’Neal faintly smiled at me before sitting across in a matching chair. I knew it was because I looked like an emotional wreck, but I didn’t care. 

I appreciated that he didn’t start with the questions right away. Instead, he watched the fireplace and drank a cup of coffee. I wished we could just sit and watch the logs crackle and know I wasn’t okay. I closed my eyes and let the warmth take me somewhere else. After a while, I felt rested for the first time today and wanted nothing more than to sleep the day away. I would’ve until I heard Mr. O’Neal. 

"Emily? Would you like to start?" 

"Sure."

I sat up, unprepared for what I was about to throw myself back into.  

"Okay. Take your time and tell me what you remember."

I clasped my hands, took a deep breath, and looked to the ground. My heart was gonna take a hit once I started talking, but it’s okay. It’ll all work out in the end. 

"I don’t know where to start. But this morning, I knew something was wrong when I woke up. I could feel it. All day, I felt disconnected. Then when Adam showed up, I knew. I could hear it in his voice when he said we needed to talk. 

For some reason, I felt I already knew what he was going to say. I’ve noticed that Adam had been acting differently lately. He was building a wall and putting me on the other side of it. I wanted to believe that there was someone other than Nicole, so he’d be the villain. But I knew all along that it was me. 

Before he started, he wanted me to know that everything about us wasn’t always bad. That there was a lot of good, and he loved that. But then, he went on about the pain and negativity and how it started to get to him whenever I’d have a breakdown, episode, or whatever you want to call it. Finally, he said he couldn’t be around that anymore, and as much as that hurt, he wasn’t wrong.

I cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe, but in a way, I didn’t want to. My life was over anyway. I would’ve left me a long time ago. I don’t know why he stayed this long, to be honest. I’m so messed up and damaged. I don’t know what he ever saw in me in the first place. I always told myself not to fall for him because eventually, he’d leave. That one day, he’d realize that dealing with all my issues just wasn’t worth it. 

I don’t blame him, though. It hurts because I still love him very much and hate myself for causing him any kind of pain. Adam deserves a great life, he tried to help me, and I know he cares, but I can’t weigh him down and steal his life like that anymore. It’s not fair.

Sometimes I wish I was normal and wonder what kind of life we would have had if I didn’t suffer from this stupid mental disorder. I wished I was the one he deserved, but in all reality, I was his lesson and his pain. 

I’d be the reason he’d build his wall thicker around his heart and make it hard for him to love again. I never wanted that. I tried so hard to leave so that I could protect him because I knew I’d only end up breaking him, but Adam always pushed back and stayed. He loved me so much that he refused to give up, but I know he could only take so much.

And I’m not trying to justify any emotional abuse I’d caused him because I’d gone through that growing up and didn’t know how to control it. But, yes, I was lost and shown how to accept life the unhealthy way, but my abuse was no excuse to abuse him. 

I hated the fact that now, in his future, every time something reminded him of me, he wouldn’t see my smile, remember my laugh or our love. Instead, he’d only see the damage I’d caused him." 

I had to stop and take a couple of deep breaths. I missed him so much already and would do anything to go back and change it. I wiped my face even though my eyes hurt and burned. I took a drink of water and then blew my nose. 

 "Sorry. But now, after thinking about it, maybe that’s why I somehow managed to manifest Nicole in a way. Because when she first showed up, I remember it didn’t bother me. I wasn’t jealous or felt anything like that. I was relieved in a way. I liked watching this new version of me make him happy. And, for a split second, I actually thought I had a chance because whenever Nicole came out, Adam couldn’t get enough of her. 

But that didn’t always last, and every now and then, I started to notice little triggers that wanted to bring a different side of me out. Not the real me, the me I had locked up a long time ago, the dark me. It always scared me when this version or “alter” would come out. It wasn’t like Nicole; I didn’t get to watch what was happening. I always slipped into this nightmare. When I’d wake, it left me picking up pieces of my life and watching Adam step further and further away from me. I can’t let that happen anymore. 

So, before I left to come here, I told Adam that I loved him very much and wanted him to have the life he deserved. I hugged and kissed him, knowing that was the last time I’d ever feel him again. He tried to hold and tell me he loved me too, but I just left him standing there. But he’ll be alright, and eventually, he’ll move on." 

I suddenly felt tired and slumped back against the chair. It’d been a long emotional, and stressful day. I knew that once I left here, whatever that vengeance was that boiled deep inside of me would end up lashing out. That’s why before I came inside, I took care of it. I won’t let it hurt him again. 

Emily? Emily?!

Mr. O’Neal hovered over me, and even though I saw his mouth moving, I couldn’t hear what he was saying. My eyes started to close when he ran over to my purse and dumped it out. The last thing I saw was the look he gave me when all my prescription bottles fell out empty.