Monsters

Oh, the light was the greatest time of my life. I had friends and many of them to go around. But they never truly knew me. I am what professionals would call a Pathological Liar. You see, I do not lie so I do not hurt your feelings or to make you feel better; no, I lie just for the reason that I can and I feel the need to do so. There is really no particular reason for me doing so. You may be asking yourself why don't you just stop lying. Well, that is the thing I am incapable of stopping. And that is the whole reason I am where I am right now. All alone wrapped in a blanket of my lies.

Now you may be asking yourself what happened? Well, what happened is I just fell apart. The guilt of my loved ones not truly knowing who I am and not even truly knowing or understanding myself. Let me rephrase that the real me; not the me that everyone else sees but me without the lies. The person who I used to be before the lies but no, oh no they are long gone. They died when I told my first little white lie. While it might have been innocent at the time, it soon spiraled out of control. Not a day went by that I did not lie. At first, it was only one but soon it was three, five, seven, ten lies a day Some were big and some were small and before I knew it I had lost myself.  

The lies changed me. They made me more likable and shaped me into what others wanted to see. Heck, I got friends and even a girlfriend who truly loved "me". But they did not know the real me until I finally gave up and let it all unravel.

The day I let it all unravel was April 7th. I gathered everyone that I loved. All my friends, my family, my girlfriend, and even some classmates from school. I sat them all down in my living room and told them everything. When I say everything I mean everything. I told them about how I've stolen from every single one of them, how I never truly liked any of them, and how I've been lying straight to their faces for years. Oh, when I tell you all the looks I saw on their faces for someone else it would be overwhelming. They had everything from sad, shocked, angered to just straight-out confusion on their faces. While some tried to hide it others did not. They let their true emotions show. Not just on their faces but in their actions as well as their words. Nevertheless, their words did not hurt. At least not any more than they normally did.

Little did I know that day was the beginning of my very own dark days. Some tried to stay by my side and figure things out but they eventually left. I wish they were like the others who left as soon as they were told my secret. Nevertheless, they wanted to fix me and aid me with my so-called problem. No matter how many times I said they could not, they kept trying until the day they all abandoned hope and left me. After that day I made a promise that I would never let anyone else know me. Not because of the pain I inflicted on them. No, it was a result of the pain that they inflicted on me. The constant ways of changing myself to fit the image they had of the perfect me or the person that they wanted me to be. Although I knew I would never fit that mold I tried and tried until I could try no longer and I hit my breaking point. I would never let them see the pain they put me through and in an odd extremely evil and twisted way, the pain expressed on their faces when I told them made me feel better. Although it was only minor compared to the pain they have put me through all these years it made me feel not so alone.

However, in the end, I am here all alone not just in my room but alone in this universe. Every string of lies that have come out of my mouth is permanently engraved on these walls, on my mind as well as my soul. Nonetheless, I have come to terms with it because at least I’m not alone. The lies keep me company. they are the only things that have kept me safe and not alone in this world for all these years.

I know that some will never forgive me as long as I continue to live and continue to haunt them with their memories of me. Nevertheless, I'm a monster who always has been and always will be. Maybe in another life and another time, I will be something else but for now, I am content being said monster.

There are many types of monsters in this world: monsters who will not show themselves and who cause trouble, monsters who abduct children, monsters who devour dreams, monsters who suck blood… and monsters who always tell lies.

Lying monsters are a real nuisance. They are much more cunning than other monsters. They pose as humans even though they have no understanding of the human heart.

They eat even though they’ve never experienced hunger. They study even though they have no interest in academics. They seek friendship even though they do not know how to love.

If I were to encounter such monsters,

I would likely be eaten by it… because in truth,

The true monsters are the people who made me one. All the pressure to be good enough, the unrealistic expectations they put on each and every one of us, the constant nitpicking at one's appearance or the way they act and forcing them to be something they are not, the false allegations that are thrown around, canceling someone for something they said or did a long time ago, and all the stereotypes.

The result of all this is that we all are monsters deep down and we can never change that fact no matter how hard we try.