A deep fissure in my stomach.
I felt anxious.
A chasm it’s called, that was what Inoa said. She’s superb with words, knows the name of everything Mei always says.
Speaking of which, yes, this is the first entry I’ve made in my brand new diary. I’m going to catalogue my days, maybe one day I’ll end up famous, and my name will be in history books.
The collective diaries of Ava
But, it doesn’t sound likely… Millions, maybe billions, I haven’t checked the statistics, of people have written diaries and… I’m pretty sure they haven’t been featured.
I’m not special. Not out of the ordinary.
Tae may say I am. Just because I’m an orphan, but I’m not. I’ve got an adoptive family..
A loving mother. A loving father. And a sister.
Tae says I shouldn’t think of them as my family.
Oh yes, Tae is my sister by the way. My foster sister. She says I don’t belong in the family; I guess she really enjoyed the feeling of being an only child.
Cherished and loved, with no one to share your love with.
When I ask her this, she tells me she isn’t sharing love, because mother and father don’t have love for me.
I ask them every day and they always reply the same way.
“Of course we do, you’re our daughter”
When I reason that I really AM NOT their daughter, they just scoff, smile and saunter past my anxious questions.
They wave it away because they know I know deep down that they love me and always will.
I feel grateful, of course, so readers of the future or… I don’t know if you are questioning my character as you do for most historical figures.
I’m pretty nice, as kind as a person can get, Mei says. Inoa says I’m really smart with words, but really she’s just being flattering, SHE is the one who tutors me in English; she gave me the idea to start this diary.
She says it’s a good way to let out my feelings, without having to tell anyone, but I’ve seen those shows where the older sibling/ or younger one, bullies the other by snatching away their diary. Then they taunt that person, singing in love-sick voices, or sugar-coated ones.
I know Tae would do that if she had the chance, so I hide this under my mattress.
I know Tae wouldn’t try delving deeper into my bedsheets because she says my room stinks and so do I.
Anyway, I wrote this day down as exam week, to be honest, today was the last day, so I could have highlighted that, but I’m not feeling too cheerful, so I didn’t.
I had my Maths and Arabic exam today.
I have a knack for languages, but the Arabic exam totally befuddled me with writing questions, I had tried memorizing my work beforehand, but had only got to the second line or so.
For maths, however, afterwards, after long, dragging conversations with friends I realized many mistakes I had made in my calculations.
I’m disappointed because now, the highest score I can actually get is 95% and this time after long, arduous hours of revision I had hoped to score 100%.
Honestly, I can’t believe in luck, because I don’t have any…
‘Better luck next year’ sneers Tae in my memory. I know, diaries aren’t supposed to sound story like, but honestly, there’s always this irritating voice of Tae in my head, I wish, I wish, I wish I could ignore her, like most siblings do to the annoying ones, but I can’t. I never will be able to.
Exams are over, I had assumed I would feel a substantial burden lifted off of my shoulders but results haven’t come in yet to at least ease my worry, so for a few weeks, I’ll still be feeling this anticipation.
Better yet, today I have a competition to attend. It thrilled me to hear I had qualified for the finals but it seems that even straight after exams, I won’t be able to enjoy the quiet peace of relaxation.
I can’t wait for the holidays.
I can binge literally everything, sleeping, playing, writing, enjoying life as it is. Tae might ruin everything, but this summer I’m dedicated to having fun, alone.
One thing I can be happy about is that school dragging out across the weeks has made the Summer seem a lot more enjoyable.
Sunny days, too hot, with sandy, shingle-specked beaches is what this summer is going to be about.
Yes, earlier when I said I would spend the summer alone, I meant apart from Tae because honestly, I can’t spend any time away from Mei or Inoa. We’ve decided to camp out in the woods that neighbour my house and then spend a few relaxing days on the beach, we’ll have sleepovers, food fights, challenges and so much more.
Mei will tutor me in science and Inoa will tutor me in English, while I’ll attempt to tutor them in math.
It won’t work, they just gave me that role to make me feel happier, but it won’t work, it never does. I know my place. I know they feel sorry for me.
I won’t throw a pity-party though, not that anyone would show up.
It’s Friday today, so I got to sleep in, though after staying up until midnight yesterday it didn’t help much. Sorry, I cut off the last entry short, Tae came in, and I had to quickly stuff my tattered tales, sorry that sounds cheesy, down the mattress.
She came in to tease me as she always does. When she saw me throwing the book down the bed sheets, she wrinkled her nose and told me she didn’t know I was that weird.
Tae really knows nothing about me.
But then, who does? Mei and Inoa know the most about me and even that’s not much.
I know, I know, I know, Inoa will be patronizing me about starting a sentence with But, but there is a big but in this whole scenario.
I’m normal but an orphan.
I’ve got friends but I’ve got a bully.
I’m smart but I’m just unlucky.
Who am I kidding, why am I writing to a diary, is this some kind of “agony aunt” thing, where I write my troubles and get a calming and helpful reply?
Or is this out of Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets, with Tom Riddle’s diary?
Yes, I’ve read Harry Potter… most people have and Tae just sneers at me and says she’s glad I’ve done something.
I’ve done many other things though, and one hobby of mine is painting. Yes, I know this is out of the blue, like, really introducing a hobby two whole diary entries in?
I don’t think of painting as a hobby, nor as something to do to relax. I think of it as a way to make Tae and the others think I’m normal.
Anyway, I do have a hobby it’s-
Dear Ava’s diary,
Hi there, this is me Tae, I’ve found Ava’s whiny little diary and I’ve decided to leave a mark. I’ve also decided that Ava’s secrets aren’t worth it, they’re all just bits and crumbs of her emotions.
She always whines about being bullied by me, but does she realize what a bad impact, what a scar she’s left on me?
Oh gosh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not pouring out my feelings into this small diary, it’s just…
I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I can’t… just can’t stop being dreadful to Ava. My parents have completely stopped noticing me, before Ava, it was all like.
“Oh look Tae’s learnt how to ride a bicycle! Amazing!” but now, they’re noticing the small things Tae does, and not noticing me.
I’ve tried my hardest, and I mean, my hardest to do outstanding things. I’ve won competitions and competitions, after each other, I’ve really tried my best, but I can’t impress them anymore.
I love my parents but I just want them to notice me now, I’ve tried stamping Ava out like an insect because I’m being treated like one.
Like a bug.
Oh, and if Ava finds this diary entry, I guess, I don’t care. She might finally learn the lesson she needs to learn.
Ava was really frantic when I saw the diary, I snatched it out of her hands, like those bullying kids, except I have good reason.
At least, I think so.
Hi, yes it’s still Tae here, and I’m STILL tired of being painted as the bad guy here, Ava just doesn’t realize what she’s done to cause me pain.
Anyway today, the teachers lectured me on being nice to my adoptive sister after I laughed at her.
I’m not heartless.
It wasn’t heartless.
I’m getting bored of writing in this… I guess I’ll stop for now, my hand is getting tired, I’m getting tired of everything and one day
It’s been I full day since I took back my diary from Tae, she was sleeping and I grabbed it back, I’ve run outside so she can’t catch me.
I’ve also read her diary entries, and though they touched me, I can’t sense the emotion in them.
Can she not realize it’s hard for me too?
Why can’t she notice it?
Why can’t she realize I feel the way she does?
Why can’t she notice me?
It’s me Tae, I’m back with the diary, it took a while to get it from Ava, and no I’m not writing the date anymore, I know she’s back after it and I just wanted to explain to her what I meant by my entries.
We are NOT pen pals, but I’m sure you need to know, Ava, if you want to survive in this household.
Yet, the last the last five words written were painstakingly similar to my own needs.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too cruel.
Sometimes I wonder if I should stop.
Be nice to her.
I can’t give up, if I give up I’m defeated.
It’s Ava, and in response, I don’t understand how you can be so horrible Tae, how can you not notice that winning the game is not important here.
When will you realize that this is NOT a game, in fact.
Why can’t we be normal sisters?
Why can’t we get along?
Why can’t we change our luck?
Tae here, and I’m here to tell you, we cannot change the tides, they were always set out against us.
I guess though, my actions may have gone too far, but I don’t understand why you won’t apologize, why can’t you see my perspective?
What bad luck do you have?
Oh, you don’t understand Ava, I have worse luck than you
I don’t see that?
And even if you do, what is STOPPING you from being nice to me, or helping me once in a while.
Is there some physical BARRICADE?
but I’m scared of change
Do you think I wasn’t scared about being in a new family, new surrounding?
Having a new sister…
And my nightmares came true, partly.
My luck was really non-existent.
I gained nothing from this.
Apart from a bully.
I never set out to be a bully, I always wanted to be noticed, but I realize my crude behaviour.
I realize my selfishness.
you were never selfish and never will be. I do apologize too.
“The diary tales of two sisters”
-published 26th August 2021-