These Words For You

This was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives. The day they would remember forever, together.

The quiet clicks of the cameras could barely be heard over the joyous soft sobs from mothers and proud looks on fathers. The stillness was calming as he took a breath, hands still shaking from both excitement and nervousness. He was never good at things like these. Words.

  “With this ring, I promise you companionship. I promise you a life together. I promise to stand by you, not ahead nor behind. I promise to love you endlessly with all my heart. If we are given a second life, I am sure we will end up together. Even if I live and breathe differently than I do now. I will find you again. I will love you again. I may not be able to give you the world you deserve, but I will give you my universe,” Nicholas stated with a smile, eyes brimming with tears as he slid the ring onto her finger. His sincere words and bright eyes were more than enough to convince her that this was, undoubtedly, the best day of her life.

        “You may kiss the bride,” said the officiant, beaming alongside the guests that filled the large but cozy room. 

        His soft lips gently pressed onto hers as butterflies erupted in her stomach. She couldn’t help but smile into the kiss, causing him to reciprocate the action and even let out a soft chuckle. 

She was happy. 

You were happy. 

…Or at least you were at that moment.

-----

        The sound of fragile porcelain smashing into the hard tile floors echoed throughout the building. You wouldn’t dare call this place a home. His voice rose in volume as words continued to pour out of his mouth. At this point, his words were nothing more than muffled sounds that simply reached your ears. Regardless of the lack of meaning to you, it made your blood boil with rage. Before you knew it, you were yelling back, trying to get him to listen to you despite you yourself refusing to listen to him. 

        Another plate carefully adorned with a floral design came crashing onto the floor. This time, at the hands of his– your supposed one and only love. 

        “Why the hell are you breaking the dishes?!” you screamed at him, pointing at the small white pieces that littered the floor. 

        “Oh like I was the one who started it?!” he yelled back. 

        “Of course you started it! Who else could have? A ghost?!”

        “Might as well have been! You never admit to your mistakes!” 

        “I can’t believe you! You-”

        “You know what?! That’s it. I’m done with all of this!” he cut in, pushing the rest of the dishes off the table and he stormed out of the room, pushing past you as well as slamming the door as he went. 

        “Nicholas! What the actual fu-” you yelled only to be cut off by another slam of the door. This time, the front door. 

        Not only anger filled you, but a heavy dose of sadness and frustration as well. Staring blankly at the broken pieces of glass and porcelain on the floor, you couldn’t help but break down into tears. You crouched by the fragments with your head buried in your arms, hoping for the world to just disappear as you felt your marriage falling apart. 

        Minutes passed before you were able to even begin to regain control of your breathing. You were desperate to calm yourself through your sobs. Standing up, you walked straight to your shared bedroom. You pulled out a suitcase from the closet and began gathering your belongings– moving quickly as your vision blurred again. As you shoved another shirt into the large case, your hands stopped. The light from the dull lamp behind you had caught the diamond in your engagement right just right, causing your eyes to go straight to the pair of rings on your left hand. Your beloved engagement ring and your precious wedding band. Without another thought, you yanked them both off as if they were burning your skin and walked over to the nightstand. Slamming the rings onto the marble surface, you glared at the photo of you and him. The picture seemingly mocking you with bright smiles plastered on both faces. You push the frame down so that the photograph can no longer be seen before walking back to the suitcase and continuing to fill it up swiftly. 10:04 pm.

-----

        “Isn’t it ridiculous?! And then she had the NERVE to accuse me of starting the whole argument in the first place!” Nicholas complained, dramatically waving his arms in the air. Joshua sat there listening to his friend with a concerned look on his face. He’s heard it all. From the beginning of their love story until the latest argument. Nicholas continued rambling like he always does when suddenly Joshua let out a deep sigh. Surprised at the response, Nicholas seized talking, resulting in just staring at the younger. It was only then that Joshua realized he had been spacing out and not really listening.

        “Ah.. sorry,” he sheepishly apologized. This was unlike him; he’s always been a great listener. But when it came to you, someone he always felt comfortable and very close with, his thoughts went into overdrive. If he was honest, right when he met you just a few months before you and Nicholas began dating, he thought that the two of you would be the ones who ended up together. Instead, he preferred living this lie. Just at this moment, Joshua’s phone lit up with a small buzz. 

        “Hey… is the pass-code to your apartment still the same?” 

        Without any hesitation, he swiped open the text and replied with a “yep!”

        “Sorry about that. What were you saying?” He asked Nicholas, redirecting all of his attention back to one of his closest friends. 

        “Who was that?” Nicholas questioned. 

        “Don’t mind that,” he replied, expecting the elder to ignore it and continue with his rant as usual. What he didn’t expect was for Nicholas to grab the phone from him and scroll through his messages with you. Instant panic shot through Joshua as he automatically reached for the phone to take it back. However, Nicholas was faster at pulling it away from his grasp. 

        “Who’s ‘Little Carrot’?” Nicholas asked, continuing to scroll through the most recent messages just as Joshua successfully regained ownership of his phone. 

        “No one,” he calmly lied, thanking God that you two basically constantly spoke in code, whether it was on purpose or not. The amount of inside jokes shared between you two were endless.

        “Didn’t seem like no one to me,” Nicholas said, nudging him a bit. Joshua only shook his head before standing up. He had seen the word “guitar” and knew despite already hearing about the argument from Nicholas, something had gone horribly wrong this time– something different.

        “I’ve actually got to go now. Sorry about this. I hope you two work it out! Don’t give up on her!” Joshua said as he made his way past Nicholas and out the door of one of the many studio rooms. 

        “Wait-” Nicholas started but Joshua had already begun walking faster since the very first step out of the room. 

        He didn’t know why, but his feet always traveled just a little bit faster towards you, and his heart beat just a little bit faster too.

        His actions seemed automated as he made his way home, wasting no time. Right when he swung open the door, his eyes locked onto you. You had picked up one of his guitars and been messing around on it for a bit, remembering the times when you were able to actually play. 

        Glancing up from the strings, your eyes met with his.

        “Hey…” was all you could manage. 

        “Hi. Were you just playing Sunday Morning?” he asked, closing the door gently behind him and making his way to the couch you were at, picking up another guitar before sitting down. 

        “Yeah. I still never finished learning it actually. Nicholas always said it was too noisy and rough sounding when I would try to learn,” you replied softly, fingers falling from the neck of the instrument at the memory. 

        “Nonsense. Guitars always sound great in the hands of great players,” he replied in an attempt to comfort, beginning to pluck at the strings, encouraging you to do the same. You smiled at him, feeling a bit more confident. Or maybe it was the way he made you feel wanted. 

        His fingers effortlessly played the notes, pausing from time to time to help you with the chords you struggled to strum. 

        Hours had passed in what felt like minutes. Before you knew it, the simplistic clock on the left wall showed that it was a quarter past three am. Time just flew by when he was with you, and despite believing you two would have been perfect together, you preferred living this lie. The life where he was simply one of your best friends– someone you can count on but will not break your heart when he did anything disappointing to you. 

        “Are you tired?” asked Joshua, now resting both his arms and head on top of the guitar in his lap, looking in your direction. You chuckled a bit. 

        “Tired mentally? Yes. Physically? I don’t even know anymore,” you confessed, arms and head resting on the guitar in your lap as well, facing the boy. “Thanks for cheering me up, by the way”. His breath got caught in his throat for a split second as he saw his own face in your two eyes. It was as if the world had stopped and all he wanted to do was hug you and hold you tight. As quick as the thought arrived, the moment was gone as he forced himself to refocus on reality.

        “Anytime. And you’re more than welcome to stay here if you need a place,” he replied.

        “Was it the giant suitcase that gave it away?” you said with a slight smile. He only laughed softly in reply. His hand reached out to brush a stray hair out of your face and tucked it gently behind your ear. “..Thanks.”

        “Not a problem.”

        “..I mean thanks for everything. Always being here for me, you know?”

        “What are friends for?”

        You couldn’t help but smile back at his sweet smiling face. 

        “Friends forever?” you asked him.

        “Till death do us part,” he stated.

        Satisfied with his answer, you sat up and gently placed the guitar back into its nearby stand, suddenly feeling more tired than before but was willing to fight the heavy feeling. You turned your body to face him and pulled your legs up onto the couch, wrapping your arms around them to keep your legs in place. Letting your head rest against the couch, you watched Joshua place down his guitar as well. 

        “I’ll go grab some snacks, yeah?” he suggested. You simply nodded and followed him with your eyes as he got up from the couch and disappeared into a room. It was just for a moment, but you let your heavy eyelids flutter close as you waited for him to return. 

—

        Knowing you would be in a deep sleep by the time he got back, Joshua went to his bedroom and grabbed a rose quartz and serenity blue quilted blanket– one of your favorites. It was an old blanket he had had for quite some time but could never get rid of because you were so fond of the colors. He gently placed it on your sleeping figure and sat down on the other couch. He sighed as he watched your steady breathing, suddenly strangely aware that he was breathing at the same rate for some reason. He knew you like the back of his hand to the point where words were no longer necessary to communicate between you two. The gaze you shared was simply enough. Your name fell from his lips in a light whisper without his conscious effort until he heard his own voice. That was the moment reality truly hit him. He recalled that you would never be his and he would never be yours– not really . 

        “If I’m given a second life, one where I live and breathe differently compared to now, I’m going to be the one by your side. And on days where I’m suddenly alone, I’ll find my way to you…wherever you may be…” he said in a soft voice with his head down, not daring to look at you. With that said, he stood back up and turned off the lights that illuminated your face. With a final glance, he walked out of room, knowing that he could never promise you a life together nor promise to solely stand by you. He could not give you the world nor give you the universe he so desperately wanted to give. What he could promise was to love you endlessly with all his heart.

        Joshua made his way back to his room and walked straight to the closet. Moving aside some jackets, he opened a small hidden vault. Inside was nothing more than a small wooden box that held just two items. A ring and a piece of paper. 

There, sat the ring he had wanted to give to her. To you.

There, sat his whole heart.

There, sat his sole regret in life.

There, sat the reason why he could and cannot ever be truly honest with you.

There, sat a secret only shared between Nicholas and himself. 

There, sat the original copy of the vows he had written to say to you on what was supposed to be his best day of his life.

He held the rough paper in between his fingertips, yearning to share with the world what he sees in you.

However, even he knew, by then, it was too late.