A Crazy Zombified Bad Romance

Submitted into Contest #60 in response to: Write a funny post-apocalyptic story.... view prompt

26 comments

Funny Romance Science Fiction


I remember the first moment I saw her…

Her beautiful blonde hair glistening in the sunlight.

Blue ocean eyes twinkling like diamonds.

Well, her beautiful eye…

I guess I probably should have mentioned she’s a zombie. Yup, with grey patchy skin, bloodied black nails, and large yellow fangs. Her human days were definitely something in the distant past. The really distant past, but she’s still my girl. Who cares if she has a missing arm and maggots in her eye socket? 

Love is blind, goddamn it. And if I want to date a zombie, I will do it. 

I know what you’re thinking. This guy must be seriously desperate to date a member of the living dead. There’s where you’re dead wrong. Aside from the snarling and the maggots, I’m living the dream.


It’s been 6 months since the Grey fever broke out. What started as a simple dry cough became a case of the munchies 24/7. Before we knew it, the infection rate was pretty much 1 person per household. By the time we realized the severity of the infection, almost everyone on the planet was either a carrier of the virus or infected. 

It’s a good thing I already lived alone to begin with. Believe it or not, I am actually a millionaire. When I was 25, I had hit the lotto and decided to buy my own private island. Buying an island isn’t as expensive as one may think. Some are even cheaper than buying a house. If I remember correctly, I believe I spent 500,000 US dollars on it. In any case, I decided to use the rest of the money to build a cozy home there and buy a private jet. My original plan was to live out the rest of my days, margarita in hand, in luxury. 

That all changed when I met Lily.

 Of course, at that point, she had already become a zombie. 

About two months into the apocalypse I decided to take a plane trip into the city, to see if I could find any other survivors. That’s when I saw her…

Her head bearing down on her prey, blonde curly hair drenched like a bloody curtain. 

She was perfect.

Sniffing the air, her gaze suddenly turned to me. 

Her nose and teeth flared up like a rabid dog, head cocked to the side as if she was analyzing my every movement, and then, violently, she convulsed.

On all fours, she sprinted over to me. Her knuckles were all bruised and bloodied. Nails, broken and mangled up. I closed my eyes and braced myself for impact. 

“This is it.” 

“Well, it was good while it lasted.” 

Thump

I slowly opened my eyes. She had tripped over a tree log. Definitely, a very clumsy zombie, to say the least. Conveniently, there was one of those Ketch All pole dog leashes around. You know the ones they use on stray dogs or wild animals. While she was down and out, I wrapped the cord around her neck, tightened it, and since then she’s come with me everywhere I go. It wasn’t as difficult as you may think. I mean sure, she tried to claw at me the entire time but the Katch All pole provided about 4 to 5 feet of distance between me and her. What really was the doozy was getting her on the plane. It’s a bit hard to drive a plane when you have a zombie locked up in the bathroom. 

Imagine trying to take a test while also listening to the audio of a horror movie. In any case, we landed without much of a hitch and I showed her around my mansion. To this day, I still don’t know if she understands anything I tell her, but I’ll take the chance that she does. When she arrived on my island. I wanted to change her out of the rags she was wearing, which was just a white tattered dress.

I felt though we weren't at that level in our relationship and wanted to respect her integrity.


We can’t exactly go on dates yet.

I’ve tried, but the closest we have gotten so far is just midnight walks by the beach. Turns out zombies can’t swim so they tend to avoid my place. They can walk along the bottom sure, but do you realize just how big the ocean is? Jaws would probably get to them before they found my island. Anyway, as we were walking by the beach, or rather my beach, the moonlight shined on her beautiful face and-

-She snarled at me…

Definitely a good sign.

Before, she was just sort of flailing angrily. I am not sure how to describe it. Kinda like if you were swimming while you had been starving for two weeks and someone just placed a hamburger in front of you.

It looked like that. 

Her calm blue eye looked at me with such peace that, for a brief moment, I thought her humanity had returned to her.

“Perhaps love was the cure all along..”

“Perhaps---” 

Her saliva poured from her lips as she clawed at me, desperately trying to get whatever piece of me she could.

“Oh. Nope, still a zombie.” 

A part of me was flattered, I’ve never had a woman want me this badly. 

Oh well, one day there will be a cure. One day things will get better. Right? 

As we continued our walk down the beach, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the moonlight shined on the water. How the foamy waves crashed over the rocks like a blanket. And for a brief moment, I forgot all about the apocalypse. It’s kinda funny how, with the right frame of mind, you can find happiness in any situation. 

I looked over to Lily. Dirt was plastered on her skin. Moss tangled in her hair. Maggots crawled on her face. Damn, she was too good for me. 

“What do you think, Lily?”

“Is there a happy ending for us?” 

She looked at me with a twinkle of curiosity, or maybe it was hunger, as saliva dripped from her bloody lips. 

“Yeah, I think so too.”


September 23, 2020 05:10

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

26 comments

Thom Brodkin
19:42 Sep 29, 2020

This was awesome. What a fantastic concept and it's perfectly executed. I really like the direction you took it in. At first I thought it was actually going to be some sort of twisted romance but you flipped the script and it was so much better. This is the first story of yours I've read and I can tell you are a grade A talent. Keep writing. I wrote one under the romance prompt. It's called "Endless Love" and I'd love to know what you think. Give me a read if you like and some feedback. Oh and a like, but only if you do.

Reply

Jessica Primrose
03:36 Sep 30, 2020

Glad you enjoyed my story :) and thank you for the compliment! I really appreciate it. I will be sure to check out your story soon.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Cooper Armstrong
12:24 Sep 27, 2021

Yes. Just yes. That’s all I have to say. I loved every word of it. Thanks for putting this smile on my face. You have a gift. Keep using it.

Reply

Cooper Armstrong
13:42 Sep 29, 2021

I would find it a personal honor if someone like you were to read one of my stories and critique me.

Reply

Jessica Primrose
19:42 Sep 29, 2021

Of course :) any story, in particular, you want me to read?

Reply

Cooper Armstrong
20:32 Sep 29, 2021

Whatever story strikes your fancy. If you’re in to more of an adventurous story I suggest “My Friend Who Was Raised By Monsters” or “Carli Evans and The Vigilante” (which is also a romance). If you like sorta the classic happy ending, make ya feel warm and fuzzy, type of story then try “Jonathan Earth and A Meal That Truly Mattered”. If you want a bit of a fright then try “They Came In The Storm.” I am looking forward to your critiques.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Zea Bowman
16:21 Oct 01, 2020

Oh my gosh I loved this story! I read the first couple lines and had a straight face, but when you broke out the "I guess I should have mentioned she's a zombie," I died laughing. It was interesting how he literally put Lily on a dog leash and walked her around. So funny the whole story. The only thing I would recommend is watching where you do or don't put your commas. You are missing some in places you need them, and have some in places they are not needed. Other than that, I didn't catch any obvious mistakes! Keep up the great work...

Reply

Jessica Primrose
02:02 Oct 04, 2020

I really appreciate you taking the time to read my work :) and the feedback! I will drop you a review soon.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Josh C
04:31 Sep 28, 2020

This was brilliant! Reminds me of zombieland from the narrative style, which I love. The little touches were brilliant. My personal favourite: I felt though we weren't at that level in our relationship and wanted to respect her integrity. Gave me a good chuckle, thank you!

Reply

Jessica Primrose
08:11 Sep 28, 2020

Haha I'm glad you enjoyed my story and I appreciate you taking the time to read it :) I will review one of your stories soon.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Jamie Schmitt
21:03 Sep 24, 2020

I'm sorry "Love is blind, goddamn it. And if I want to date a zombie, I will do it." CRACKED ME UP! You're a very humorous writer, and I love how your prose isn't afraid to crack jokes. I feel like there needs to be an "eat the rich" joke though!

Reply

Jessica Primrose
03:24 Sep 25, 2020

Glad I was able to make you laugh haha :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Xct 1
18:55 Sep 24, 2020

Ahhh the casual innocent start of a story, random descriptions of beauty, all disrupted in the very next sentence mentioning a zombie... Got to love the abrupt change of pace in the openings

Reply

Jessica Primrose
20:54 Sep 24, 2020

It is a cliche I am also fond of :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
J.M. Topp
06:42 Sep 24, 2020

"Who cares if she has a missing arm and maggots in her eye socket? A part of me was flattered, I’ve never had a woman want me this badly." Two of the best lines I've ever read in a zombie short and my god this story had me rolling! Hilarious! Dropping a follow. For. Sure.

Reply

Jessica Primrose
16:47 Sep 24, 2020

Haha thanks, I'm glad you liked the story. I appreciate you taking the time to read it :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Aisa M
08:41 Sep 23, 2020

Guy has a weird taste *__*

Reply

Jessica Primrose
15:40 Sep 23, 2020

haha indeed

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Charles Stucker
05:35 Sep 23, 2020

Not exactly the sort of humor I usually see. Did not spot any typos or grammar errors. Reads almost like a decent into madness, with this guy desperately making jokes about his zombie girlfriend while presumably being aware that if the disease can spread by coughing (implied) then having a zombie girlfriend is the last thing he needs. But he is totally bonkers. Or we can read it as broad dark humor about survival during a zombie apocalypse as a metaphor for the loveless parasitic relationships which plague so much of our society. Or ...

Reply

Jessica Primrose
15:40 Sep 23, 2020

Thanks for reviewing my story. I appreciate it :) It seems like you got a good handle on what I was going for in the story. I was worried the metaphor would be too subtle to pick up on. I think I could push further into the descent in madness as mentioned. Thanks for the feedback!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Qalbe Momin
16:14 Mar 15, 2022

The King sat on his throne, legs swinging in the afternoon sun. The wilderness spread out before him — a boy’s paradise of twisting dirt tracks webbed with ancient tree roots, full of shady hollows and secret hideaways. Behind him, the copse thinned until it met the road that would take you back to the village, but before him was the arena of countless battles, the base camp of every perilous expedition, a land of untold adventure. And — for today at least — it was all his. “Halt!” he shouted. “Who goes there?” The little girl looked up at...

Reply

Show 0 replies
Michael Loring
04:48 Jul 30, 2021

"OH. Nope, still a zombie." Has got to be one of the funniest lines ever haha! Terrific job!

Reply

Show 0 replies
H I
02:08 Jun 25, 2021

It was great. Looking forward to reading more of your submissions.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Justin Nicolas
03:38 May 18, 2021

I really did like the concept as it was original and humorous. The number of descriptive words you added allowed for a lot of imagery and the sarcastic tones you used at times kept the reader engaged. Even though I really did enjoy it I think that some areas of improvement could be switching up the descriptions a little bit as you used some phrases multiple times. Overall I found it very enjoyable and a really fun read, really talented. :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Saiyam Shah
04:58 Mar 24, 2021

wow nice joke

Reply

Show 0 replies

This.is.amazing!!! Love Love Love It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

Show 0 replies