I Need Love :(

Writers Note- I can't seem to write anything happy. Every time I do anymore, they just end up sad in the end. I have tried to promise a happy story, but I feel like the writers stories are tied to there emotions. I have been dealing with a lot. Starting out, my friends are going through a lot, and to feel better, they give all of there problems to me. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my friends, but its just so hard to feel sorry for them anymore. I feel... numb now. I can feel happy, and frustration, but sadness doesn't seem to register that easily. On top of all of this, some of my friends are just leaving for a day for no reason at all. Like one of my best friends who helps me through pretty much life, just keeps leaving school. I have horrible grades which lead to an infuriated mother, and now I have detention. I don't know what to do. I am asking for advice. I will give you mine in return. This is all I could write with my sorrowful heart. This is how I feel.

I don’t know why people bully me. They do it to make me feel bad. They do it for fun. They call me names and make fun of my face. They look at me and think, ‘oh look it’s the ugly girl who smells like trash and looks gross.’ I’ve been bullied since preschool. It’s extremely hard for me to fit in. It’s difficult. And no it’s not just, get over it it’ll all be ok. I’ve had to deal with this for 7 years. People mocking me and making fun of me and then going home to do chores and put a fake smile on. I’ve felt like this my whole life. And no one has noticed me. And I thought it was because I had no friends. So in 6th grade I got some and still got bullied. What is so wrong with me? Why do people do this? I get confused sometimes. Why is it that whenever I try and do something very hard and try to get things done, I end up being wrong. People talk about me behind my back and laugh at me. They make fun of my name and call me ugly. They say that I’m just a freak and I don’t deserve to live. Words hurt. And they cut deep. If I could pause the world, and take a deep breath, then un-pause, I would feel better. Even if I could cry forever. 

I tell my friends I cry myself to sleep. They think it’s a joke and laugh at it… but… it’s not a joke. Nothing I say is a joke. I cry myself to sleep and keep to myself. I’m used to tears. I’m numb now. I can’t feel anything. I can’t feel pain anymore. It hurts. It hurts so bad. But I keep on living my life. I hope that one day it’ll all pay off. Until then, I get bullied, spat on, hurt, and feel pain. I get to feel all those things. And then, I get to cry. I get to go home and cry it all out. But until I go home, I keep a straight face. I keep my fake smile. I stay lonely. I keep on writing.

Why do I write? Writing helps me hide who I am. I can write about something and people will think that that’s just what the character is thinking. But no, it never is. It’s what I’m thinking. It’s what helps me keep that straight face and feel better. Even if my eyes water up and I feel tears roll down my cheeks, I keep my straight face. I keep it and I stay strong. I keep my fake face on. I stay happy.

Underneath the mask there is a girl who wishes she had good grades.

Underneath the mask there is a girl crying.

Underneath the mask there is a girl who sobs day and night.

Underneath those sleeves there's a slit for every person who's hurt her.

She gets bullied for being her. 

She looks in the mirror and cries.

She starves herself for others.

She gets hurt deep inside.

She tries to fit in.

But it’s hard.

It’s so, so hard.