Amazing Grace

Note: The song in this work is Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) covered by Pentatonix, which is most certainly not mine. Just wanted to give credit where it’s due

The applause of the crowd. The shouts. The cheers. Then the babble, the din of intermission.

There was no one else in front of me. No one’s back to stare into, knowing that they’d go before me. Nothing stood between me and the stage but that thin black curtain.

I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath.

“You’ll do great, sweetie”, I heard my mom say.

“Go get ‘em”, my dad had said.

Despite it all, I still felt my feet glued to the ground.

“And now for our next performer… Grace Whiting!”

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t move.

I imagined the crowd. So many faces. All staring at me. I imagined them staring, staring, staring. They were so big. There were so many of them. All looking at me. I was so small. So, so small.

And they would all see me and see right through me. I was simultaneously invisible and transparent. They would look into my soul and judge. I heard my breath quicken.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. I whirled around.

“You can do this”.

I nodded shakily. At last, my legs moved stiffly, one in front of the other, and I pulled the curtain back. I felt my heart drop into my stomach. I saw the crowd. The din immediately quieted to a murmur. 

I felt the air crystallize around me. Time stood still. Everyone held still. Not a breath was heard in the vast auditorium. I couldn’t hear my own breath. All I could hear was the beating of my own crazed heart. I could see the details on every last face. What expression they held. The intensity of their gaze. What they expected of me. I felt that any movement, any breath would shatter this moment. I felt electricity course from my core to my fingertips. I’d never felt so alive or so afraid.

I can remember only one other time when I felt such a moment. A year before, I’d been required to give a speech in a writing class of mine about a book I’d read. I can’t even remember the book now. All I remember was that horrible anticipation, the stomach pains, and sweaty palms even days before I was to speak, the nauseating feeling of sitting through speech after speech. I remember walking to the podium and feeling that same crackling in my veins. I can remember shattering that moment with an unintelligible stutter. I can remember the looks of my classmates, some pitying, some contemptuous, some ashamed. I can remember my own horribly blank mind. I can remember crying, standing there at the podium, in front of all my classmates. I can remember running away, away, away.

That’s what’s going to happen now, a snakelike voice whispered in my head, sending a chill down my spine. You’ll panic, just like you did then. You coward. You never did have the strength. You should run away. That’s all you’re good for. Show them who you truly are. Don’t even try to pretend that you’re a performer. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic…

I closed my eyes. I felt my being roiling inside my body. I churned and tossed like waves on the ocean. I swam desperately through the waters, searching for anything to hold onto, anything to stand on. Anything.

You can do this.

You’re strong enough.

Show the world what you’ve got.

Show yourself who you truly are.

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take

I’d rather suffer the humiliation and disappointment of failure than regret never even trying

I opened my eyes. The waters calmed. I knew what I had to do.

I swallowed. Breathe. In, out. In, …

“Amazing Grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me”

The moment air had blown through my vocal cords, I felt a tipping sensation. It was as if I had been on the top of a dizzyingly high rollercoaster and was just now starting to rocket downwards. I could hear the tremor in my own voice, and I felt its initial weakness, but I felt it quickly gain strength and surety. Soon, it had smoothed out, and the tone was rich and clear. I felt the song lift me up. My body was light as a bird’s now, and I hovered off the ground, floating upward into the light. Each chord and word resonated strength into the bones of my being.

“I once was lost, but now I’m found

Was blind but now I see”

“‘Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear, and Grace my fears relieved

How precious did that Grace appear, the hour I first believed”

“My chains ar--”

I was so caught up in the song that I didn’t even notice that I’d made a mistake until it was too late. My next line, the one that I’d practiced, was supposed to be

“‘Through many dangers, toils, and snares, I have already come”

Because I had listened to the Pentatonix cover as well, however, I had often mistakenly sung

“My chains are gone, I’ve been set free”

It’d taken my music teacher and me weeks to get rid of that particular habit, but we’d conquered it.

Or so we thought.

My voice choked up when I reached “are”, and for a horrible moment, I thought everything was lost. The audience knew. They heard it. They must have. I came crashing down. My throat seized. It’s lost. It’s lost. It’s lost. I couldn’t bear the staring. I couldn’t bear what would come. I couldn’t bear the failure. I could just hear the condolences and see the side-glances. I could feel the pressure of my father’s hand and my mother’s wan smile. I couldn’t bear it.

YOU CAN DO IT!

“Gone!”, I burst out.

“I’ve been set free

My God my Savior

Has ransomed me

And like a flood

His mercy reigns

Unending love

Amazing Grace”

I felt the respite as a breath of fresh air. I was revitalized. Everything was moving again. I could think. I got myself together. That shaky feeling of uncertainty subsided. I switched my train of thought to the Pentatonix lyrics. Remember that the next part crosses between chest and head registers, I told myself. Breath deep. Soft palate high. Wait. Wait. Now!

“The Lord has promised good to me

His word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures”

“My chains are gone

I’ve been set free

My God my Savior

Has ransomed me

And like a flood

His mercy reigns

Unending love

Amazing Grace”

I could feel myself rising again. I could see the light again. I felt confident and unreasonably joyful. I felt serene.

“The Earth shall soon dissolve like snow

The Sun forebear to shine

But God who called me here below

Will be forever mine”

“My chains are gone

I’ve been set free

My God my Savior

Has ransomed me

And like a flood

His mercy reigns!”

Silence hung in the air. The moment held the same crystalline structure as the beginning, but this time, I was large and light. I stretched through the whole auditorium. I froze the moment, rather than the moment freezing me. And now, I would shatter it.

“Unending love, Amazing Grace”

I closed my eyes. I felt my voice reverberate through me, resonating in perfect, harmonious tones into the world. I felt every last word.

“I once was lost, but now I’m found

Was blind, but now, I see”

I bowed my head.

For a moment, silence.

Then a clap.

Then another.

Suddenly, the crowd erupted in applause, and here and there would be a whistle or cries of “Bravo!” or “Encore!”. I lifted my head and grinned. I felt the grin nearly break my face in two with its intensity. The world glowed with the crowd’s approval. I felt so happy that I could laugh and cry. I felt so relieved that it was over. It all felt so surreal.

After the performances had finished, I was sitting in the cafeteria, waiting for my parents to stop talking to the other parents and actually take me home when I recognized the person who’d encouraged me what seemed like a lifetime ago. Now that I wasn’t crazy with nerves, I could get a good look at her. She was tall and pretty, with dark brown eyes and jet black hair.

Go thank her.

“Hey!”

She turned and smiled when she saw me. She had a brilliant smile. I felt a smile creep across my own face as she skipped over and plopped down across from me.

“Hi!”, she said brightly. “You were amazing!”

I laughed, ducking my head bashfully.

“Oh”, I said.

She laughed good-naturedly. I looked up at her.

“Um. Thanks for supporting me back there. I was really nervous”

She nodded, smiling softly.

“I could tell. Was this your first time?”

I nodded.

“Yeah”, she sighed. “I can remember my first time. Gosh, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and run off the stage at the same time! So nerve-wracking. You don’t know how many times people run off the stage”, she added. “It happens more than you’d think and to more people than you’d think. Even some really confident people do it. But you didn’t”.

“Thanks to you”, I murmured.

She waved her hand dismissively.

“Pssh! You were already basically going to! All I did was give you a little nudge. Then you did the rest! And you did amazing!”

I ducked my head again.

“Um. Well, you did really good, too”

She put her hand to her heart.

“Awww! Thanks! I’d like to think so. Oh!”

She pulled out her phone. “We should totally exchange numbers. We can hang out, chat, whatever. I think we’d make a good singing duo, don’t you?”

I nodded enthusiastically.

“What’s your name?”, she asked.

“Grace Whiting. What’s your name?”

“Siming Chen. Great choice of song, by the way. It fits your name”, she said, winking.

I heard myself reply, “That’s why I chose it”

She put my number into her phone and sent me a text.

“Great! So we’re friends now”, she declared hopefully.

“Friends”, I confirmed.

Later that night, as I lay in bed, I thought back on the events of the day. The nerves. The encouragement from my parents. The moment where I chose to go on stage. The moment Siming believed in me. Singing the first note. Messing up. Singing through to the end better than I’d ever sung before. I felt an opening up. I’d done and experienced so many new things today, and met a new person. I’d gone through the ups and downs of a big performance, and in the key moments, with a little help, I’d shone through. I’d taken a leap of faith, and this time, I’d landed on the other side. On my feet. With Grace.