A Death of a Disease

The water spans endlessly until it drops off the surface of the Earth. The cool wind flows through the hair of her shaven head. And the chill pierces her spotted black and white pants causing goosebumps up her thighs. Each step feels electric as her bare feet press against the rocky ground. The energy in her toes connects down to the center of the Earth.

She feels alive. So many years have gone by without this feeling ever returning. She never thought she would feel alive ever again.

Her mind begins to wander, pondering the volcanic explosion that created the basalt rock she stands on. How many years has this rock stood here? The locals of this region say that these cliffs used to be vast mountains, scraping the sky above.

Placing a hand on the rock below her, she notices the inverness lichen clinging to every rock structure not polluted by human existence. Silently, she scorns herself, hating that she has contributed to this rottenness.

Swiftly standing, she breathes in the fresh air allowing it to consume her fully. Carefully stepping to avoid the remaining lichen, she lets her body lead her to the edge of the cliff.

Maneuvering herself across the torn cliffs, where jagged rocks split and hang over the rubble hundreds of feet below, her breath wavers. A spell of vertigo pulls at her, but she stays steady. Taking another breathe she presses on until there is nothing but open air between her and the cliff’s bottom.

Patches of snow are scattered below in the crevices that the sun does not reach. Turquoise water crashes against the crumbled rocks spreading out into the vast blue waters beyond. She can’t help but feel drawn to this place. The wind seems to whisper, you belong here.

Her gaze is pulled to the horizon, what is beyond those waters? Where does the world go past that horizon? The singing birds draw her attention, and she watches them with playful ease. Wispy clouds graze the sky, intertwining with the piercing blue that wraps around the globe.

Can this be real? Can all of this really exist?

Only this moment matters. These mountains have been here for decades yet, it is here, now, she stands. 

She exhales, releasing her breath as if she's been holding onto it for years. The chill air creates a thin fog that is whisked away immediately leaving her lungs.

She sets one foot so it grazes the open air on the cliff’s end. Her gaze meets the waterline at the end of the world and she steps off the edge of the cliff.

...

When you fantasize about death as much as I do, you start to have vivid images of the various ways you could die. Every time I get into a car I visualize myself driving off a cliff or head-on into a semi. I see myself drowning. Whenever I am in the water I dive below the surface letting the water swallow me until my body fights itself to the surface.

So many people are afraid of heights, but I embrace them. I am called to them. Readdy for them to embrace me.

But enough of that now, let us get back to the story and rewind.

...

Imagine her falling back up, walking backward down the narrow, winding road passing by two strangers.

Let us play through that moment.

...

The pine trees climb up the cliff. Brush and snow huddling in between the thick forest walls. She reaches a curve in the road spotting a couple ahead of her making their way down the peak. 

I wonder if they should be worried about me. Her mind blurts, without consent. Panic fills her eyes as if they can read her thoughts. Quickly, she calms herself by thinking, they have no reason to worry about me. I am sure they have seen many lone hikers before. They themselves have likely hiked alone. It doesn’t mean anything.

The couple greets her with smiles and hellos. She exchanges a nod and smiles back but is thankful to have them fading into her past. She begins to wonder what they will think if they see news about someone dying on this cliff. She wonders if they will remember her, but pushes the thoughts aside and continues to journey up the mountain.

The hike to the top isn’t long, but it still leaves her winded. Though none of that truly matters.

Another intrusive thought comes to her, I how long it will take for someone to find me. Will it be later today, tomorrow, weeks from now?

It doesn’t matter. This thought leaves her content. None of it matters to her anymore.

The sun peeks out from behind a cloud, she is stunned by the sight. Bewildered by the beauty of it all with the water stretching on forever.

This is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen.

She lets out a breath, finally, I am home.

...

Let us rewind again.

Back to her wandering down the mountain, getting into her car, pulling back out of the parking lot, driving back to the North.

...

Darkness clings to her like a thick fog. There is no future no past, just the dark and dangerous presence that she exists in. Each noise causes her to jump anxiously, screams being silenced by the never-ending night.

Her perspective of the world is flawed. There was no light left. No happiness. No sunshine. Her precedence a plague. Everything she grasps darkens, burning away without flame. Then disappearing into a pile of black ash. She sees herself as is a disease. Where anyone into contact with her becomes poisoned by her fear, hatred, and darkness.

She is paralyzed by the fear of spreading her disease, her curse. So she spends days in bed, not being able to leave her house for weeks at a time. She stops eating, stops sleeping, stops everything. If only she could will herself to stop breathing.

There is no reason, no need, no desire to continue on. She is infected, so she should be the one to kill this disease.

...

Falling, she is grateful for the end.