The beginning is a memory loss

Her: “I believe our friendship stood strong enough through all and this shows is true and not a fragile one. Maybe just communication, but I understand you do not wish to share just anything anymore and also certain things might not even know how but I will always be here.”

 “Why communication?”

 Her: “Not saying our communication is bad, not at all, we communicated well if we are still together clearly. But I fucked up back then and now it could be like even more open like before of anything, we are open, but yeah, you know and also just in general, we could together work on the emotional side, I know it's not your forte to talk of that or even express it but I am here for you and you know no matter how repetitive it is I will always listen to you. In rest I deeply believe, I mean with all, all that we are now, it is perfect, everything, even the imperfections, I love them to bits, all of it.”

"You are the product of my mind and fears."

Her: "You only see the bad moments, what about when I did fight? Those moments you do not see, the numerous moments when I fought, and I fight, but, no, they do not matter, so what, now you tell me I have horse view? Why am I able to dedicate but you not, should not be a friendship meaning dedication, or am I just crazy? I just want you to be here when I need you, but you do not have to I know, but I only say facts too, it does not help me, ignoring me, taking me like I talk shit, I feel like you do not even take me seriously (…) I see them so because of your action, I tell you how I feel all the time, meaning I need you, I get vulnerable to you and believe me I do not do either and I hold it inside but to you, meaning I trust you, but you just ignore what I said like I did not even say it. Why is even showing my feelings annoying to you, I do no get it, I care about your view too, I am not just giving a crap about my side at all, shall I do that instead, what am I ever supposed to do? Because I see even if I care nobody cares, is bad if I give my full care, it is bad if I give my all, I am just bad, I am never enough, yeah, I am just my weird me, I am just awkward of a being, I guess so much that even to you I got annoying, I do not do good with change, we started in a place in which we could share everything, I can no just reverse it now, I simply can not, I care I fucking until the end. You are not alone, do you want to be alone, like seriously just tell me, are you even listening, or am I talking alone?" 

"sorry, want me to talk 24/24? Dedicate entirely to what? That’s called sacrifice, would mean having horse sight, only seeing you or our friendship, I have my life, with my stuff to handle, want me now to say sweet shit to make you feel better? I am saying facts, maybe you fucking learn something if you want, most likely not (…) and you love seeing things like that, when they’re not (…) and I told you to move on, meaning I didn’t see it as continuing/pressing on it, as it would annoy me and is not the first time when I’m telling you this."

 “Alright, something must be mentioned, I am emotional, I just choose not to show it, the reason is simple, please don’t try to make it complicated or view it as some philosophy, I am one to hold my feelings so that I don’t get hurt, but it doesn’t mean I care less about you or our friendship. How do you think you gain trust?”

Her: “I am just being myself and I surely worked with you, you love me for who I am, I never were like <<okay, how to gain her trust>>. I just am myself, doing what I believe is right, doing my best in our bond, you are the only one that has my trust so you know I am only talking about us, even at the beginning I did not like try my best to make you like me in that superficial way like <<oh, be nice, be I do not know how>>, I just truly been myself since then, what I always tried though was to be a good best friend, always tried to give my best, because I know you deserve it, but I know I did not always manage to do it perfectly, I just always wanted to understand you, be here for you, listen to you…”

Her: “You are the only person all felt so natural with and casual, it all just developed without forcing anything from any side, just smoothly. You got me, you understood me, and so did I and still do the best I can for you, for us. I just naturally gained your trust, I did not do anything to force it, we just have been here for each other.”

“About that… how you call it… incident, anything to say about it? Or…?”

Her: “Not everyone experiences the same, but we always vibe, but I went ahead and destroyed it like an idiot. That is the one thing I truly regret and will always do. Truth is I did not even know how to react. I know I broke it (the trust) and I truly wish to see your output on this too (…) I still hate myself for it, but you are still with me so I am trying to give even better than I ever did, this is why I worry so much, I care so much, and I am scared to death to lose you, I can not see my life without you. You are the best, you make my days worth living and I am not just exaggerating.”