The diary of a perfectly imperfect human

Things I have to let go of

Imagine being plunged into the cold river in wintertime. That´s the feeling that shoots down your spine when he walks into the room. But then you start talking to him. He seems pretty normal, even charming. You feel flattered, because he pays all his attention to you. You´re drawn in, nobody´s ever given you this kind of attention before. There is something in the back of your head that is bothering you, but you don’t have the time to dwell on that thought as he keeps you busy conversing.

Maybe you should´ve listened to that thing, whatever it was in the back of your head. Maybe then you wouldn´t be sitting her, with the terrible thing that happened to you. Maybe you wouldn´t have lost friends and isolated yourself. Maybe your brother wouldn´t blame you for his problems.

This is the guilt I feel. Things that I blame myself for. I was a part of it. I knew what was going on, and I still let it happen. Maybe it´s time to let this guilt go… After all, he was the grown up one.

To the ones that left me

First of all, I get you. I don´t want to be like ´´Oh, I hate myself´´, but I know I´m not perfect. I´ve put a lot of good people through shit. I know I can´t blame everything on me being sick, but I do wish I got help sooner. Maybe we wouldn´t have ended up like this. The ones that left me are the ones I put on a pedestal. I think what I hate the most about are the unanswered questions that are left. There are usually no goodbyes, we just end up not continuing. I am both happy and sad that you left me. Good things have happened because you weren´t here. The rejection hits hard, I feel like I´m back to being that little girl. Always left behind.

 To the critic inside my head

I know we´ve been close for a long time. But that doesn´t mean I can´t hate you, get annoyed and wish for you to have never existed. Quite the opposite actually. Since we know each other so well, I think it´s time for brutal honest. You certainly haven´t held back on that front. You´ve said things that hurt me, but you´ve also said things that´ve helped me. Either way, you can be a raging bitch. Most of the time I can´t stand you, but sometimes you’re a safe space. Although I wish your existence away at times, I wouldn´t be better if you hadn´t been there. But I am older now. I know which parts of you I should listen to, and the parts I should let go.

Thank you for the roller-coaster.

 Love,

your punchingbag

Old friends

It only mattered because she liked it. Why else would I even care about something I created myself. Her approval meant more than I thought. And her rejection, hit even harder. Maybe she saw something in me. A bit of herself. Sometimes it feels like she saw the part she hates. She applauded my talent. I smiled. Not long before the old friend doubt came cruising in. He always seemed to catch up with me, no matter how far away I think I had gotten. No, he always seemed to creep up on you, slowly taking over your brain, piece by piece. Until everything is tainted, and you can barely look at it without your eyes stinging. Perfectionism, self-critique. Words well known in your vocabulary. Words you´ve grown up with, learned to live alongside with. They too were old friends. You meet up every once in a while, even though you know that they will always hold a piece of you.

Isolation 

There are times when I feel so extremely alone. It doesn´t matter if I´m with one person, or ten or a hundred people. It´s that feeling of isolation, like you don´t get the joke, and you´re on the outside looking in. It´s like your just a few steps behind, you can almost reach out and touch, but you never seem to catch up.

It´s not that anyone is actively trying to leave you out. You just can´t seem to involve yourself in the conversation, you just feel excluded.

This is one of the worst feelings I know. Because I don´t have a clue as to how to get rid of it. Please, just don´t leave me. I don´t know what I might do.

With the dawn

came the darkness

the sun

had never shone brighter

yet

darkness consumed

her soul

To the ones I hurt

I know you love me. But you really don´t have to put up with my bullshit. It´s okay to have boundaries, and to let me know when I´m crossing them. I swear, I´m not hurting you on purpose. If I hurt you, it means you´re a good person. I know that sounds utterly fucked up. There´s no denying I´m self-destructive. I always seem to ruin the good things in my life. Therefore, me hurting you means I love you. Maybe a bit too much. I know it´s not an excuse to do the shit I´m doing. Just wanted to give you a little explanation as to why some things are the way they are. I am sorry.

I am an open book

Everybody says they read me like an open book. Take that as a compliment. That just means I let you see what´s behind my mask. And that´s a thing that rarely comes off amongst other people.

But even though you can read me like an open book, how come no one ever sees what I really need? If you know me so damn well, help me.

Can´t you see how deep in the water I am? That I am struggling to keep my head above? I can´t swim and I am not wearing a life vest. 

You are all on land, standing there, just watching me drown.

My favourite colour

Green, now my favourite colour. A green forest. Not like the spruces in winter, where they are dark, almost black. More like in spring, where they´re this pale green, but just as powerful. That´s the colour of her eyes. When I look into them, I can see honesty, curiosity and a whole lot of love. They say that the best people in the world, are those who have been through the most. I agree, because I know for sure this girl does not deserve the things that she´s been through. Now that I have met this beautiful human being, I am never letting her go. Since she´s been this kind to embrace me, all of me, the least I can do is the same for her. I have made it my mission to keep her happy, make sure she has a good time for the rest of her life. I feel like I understand her on such a level that I am able to give her what she needs. We fit together. And I am sure that my soul knew her before we even met

Things we carry

What I think most people carry is stress, sadness and guilt. I don´t know if I am stuck in this sad, dark head of mine – but if you get to know someone, and really talk to them; you start to notice that their mind goes somewhere there´s a limited source of light. Not always will they visit that place, but once in a while, if you are lucky, you will get to be there for them when they do.

Let yourself bloom

What is it that you really want,

what is the big dream?

If nothing was in the way,

what had you become?

If it had been the way you wanted,

what would you do?

It´s frightening to admit

to reveal the dream

You become so vulnerable

Let someone see you, thoroughly

It´s just fear

that stands in the way

The fear of not succeeding

´´I don´t know

I guess I have time

to figure it out still´´

What stands in the way

of that big dream

is often

yourself

Let yourself bloom

To the ones I left

Leaving you was a tough decision. I am a human of habit, which means if I left you, it was no longer space for you in my life. To say it in both a kind and brutally honest way; You´ve served a purpose, but your times is over. There are several reasons I end relations in my life. If you hurt me more than you did me good, I probably decided my heart couldn´t take it anymore. If you gave less than you got, I decided I didn´t want a one-way relationship, that I didn´t want to drain myself for someone who wouldn´t do the same for me. 

And the hardest one of all, it was the best for me. I decided I wanted to prioritize myself. Because maybe I felt that you fit into all of the categories above. Maybe you deserved to be left behind, because you were toxic. But maybe, just maybe, I loved you way too much and I gave you my whole heart to you, and you didn´t fill it back up. I left you, because you left me empty too.

As the cold air

blew on her

face

she shivered

not because of

the unfriendly 

temperature

but because

the warmth you gave

finally had left

her

To the ones that hurt me

At first, I was angry (might still be by the way), but in the end I know it was for the best, what happened. I wasn´t myself with you, but of course I didn´t know that at the time. I guess it´s true what they say; Maybe I had to lose you, to find myself. I know it all sound a little cliché, but I wouldn´t be who I am today, without you, whoever you may be.

I have both found myself, and the ones I am meant to surround myself with. Finally, I am comfortable with who I am and how I look, which is something I haven´t experienced before. The trick is to, however hard it may be, start to give zero fucks. Also, surround yourself with people who do not judge you, and accepts you for who you are, with all your flaws. Believe it or not, they´re a very important part of you. 

Just like you were an important part of me, I am grateful that I had you in my life. We were all in the right places at the right times. You just can´t see it until it´s over. Just like you can´t tell if something´s good or bad before it has passed.

A loved one

I once found a loved one

Where I never expected to

She had dark hair, auburn tips

Brown eyes

Shy but still curious

confident but never arrogant

Wise but never a know-it-all

She reminded me of myself

But her force, immense

I always dreamed of being her

I once found a loved one

Where I never expected to

She stared back at me

in the 

mirror