That’s the thing about this city-- dragon turds.

Dragon turds are EVERYWHERE.

I swear, does no one believe in picking up after their pet anymore? I mean yeah, you might need a drum-liner-sized garbage-bag.

You’re the one who bought the extra large dragon, though, aren’t you?

Not to mention feeding your extra-large dragon all that junk food.

Sheep, cattle, door-to-door serfs, the list goes on, doesn't it?

If you'd stuck to healthy servings of dragon kibble, Poopsie wouldn't have tummy issues!

You should've taken that into consideration, right? I mean, before letting your darling ‘Poopsie’ poop all over the place?

I ain't a dragon owner, and I aint fond of 'em, but taking care of a pet is what a responsible owner does, yeah?

I hate doing a route in a dragon-heavy shire. This delivery cart isn't a four-wheel, or even a two-wheel drive. It's more of a sledge, and trying to drive over mountains of dragon dung isn't only smelly, it's difficult!

And how would you like to clean half-digested knights off of the runners of YOUR sledge after work every day, hmm?

But let me say, for the record, that the lack of leash laws is my favorite part of this city.

Yes. Most definitely.

Nothing like having a territorial drake try to tear your face off! I’m SURE that’s what we were ALL hoping for over breakfast.

What do you mean, "For real?" You actually believe that any of us in this business hope to have our faces torn off in the morning? Or any other time of day for that matter? If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a couple knights short of a Round Table, my friend!

Of course not! All any of us here at the Unified Scroll and Parchment Service want to do is deliver scrolls! That’s the only thing we get paid to do! And we don't even get paid enough to do that! The poor little Pegasus pulling my cart is a year thirteen hundred model! We haven't had new equipment to work with in over a century!

WHINNY!

Sorry, Peggy. didn't mean to offend.

(Snort.)

Anyway, don't make me worried with comments like that!

Back to training:

So, magic invisible fences are the worst- you never have any idea if the owner has renewed the binding ritual or not. They ran out of salt that day because they were in a hurry. The runes rinsed away with rain. It could be anything. The trouble is, you wont know 'til it's your neck on the line!

If everything is as it should be, you’ll have a good day.

You show up. You put the scrolls in the box. Foo-Foo hits twenty-four thousand volts at the barrier around their master’s home.

Now, that's not enough to stun a dragon, but it's enough to keep it from wanting to do that again.

Or, they DIDN'T complete the spell, and your good spirits (and face) are about to melt. They forgot to complete their runemarks. Foo-Foo comes hauling butt across the barrier to try to take a chunk out of you. And, with no magical barrier, Foo-Foo succeeds. Nice knowin' ya.

That’s where investing in the metal greaves can pay off.

Ask Lefty.

Better than paying the medical bills, anyway, unless you like stitches.

Anyway, another trick that you can use is a good ice charm. Lizards loathe being cold--- slows down their circulation and makes them sleepy. That one’s a win-win- they either back off, or they fall asleep. Either way, you live to see the next day.

Now, some folks swear by dragon snacks.

This is a bad idea in my book.

Say you’ve got your cart parked outside. You’re putting your scrolls in the scroll-box, leaving the flag up, all that good jazz.

Scaly little Sparky hears you.

He comes racing out to say “Hi,” and receive his dragon treats.

You usually use treats to convince him to not eat you. (He's like a dear little dragon mob enforcer coming to collect.)

Imagine your impending discomfort (ala missing buttcheeks!) when you check your pockets to recall that you left your dragon snacks in your OTHER set of workpants.

I’ll prepare your eulogy after your post-humos posterior has bled out.

But do you see what I’m saying? The treat thing only ensures that the dragon will be looking for you. Once false move with the snack supply, and you’ve doomed yourself. How? By creating that habit of getting the dragon to seek you out.

Well, some other folks also don’t agree with the logical no-dragon-treats concept.

The problem is, THEIR ideas are even worse. (For your longevity, I mean.)

This group of folks believes that if you glare at the dragons and shout and rage at them, they’ll leave you alone.

They claim it works. Why? Because they rarely hear complaints about the method from other scroll deliverers.

I say it doesn’t work-- for the exact same reason.

If they aren’t hearing negative reviews, it’s because their reviewers got eaten by a dragon!

Not my choice of an exit from the mortal coil. But to each their own.

At least that way, the scroll deliverers who are too stupid to think it through get eaten. Less danger for the poor sap stuck with trainin' them.

Every year, though, headquarters keeps sendin’ us fresh idiots! I’m like, where are these knuckleheads comin' from? I thought the dragons ate all of their relatives...

(I’m not opposed to the idea that idiots reproduce by spontaneous- generation. Seems to be the only logical conclusion...)

Anyway, you look like a bright young soul, so there isn’t anything you need to worry about..

Just walk this way slowly,...

There’s a good lad...

Put the scroll in the box...

Put the flag up...

Eyes on me, walk this way,..

Don’t turn around, don’t look behin-

WHAT did I TELL you to-?!

I said, "Don’t look behind you"!!!

ROAR!

Back to the cart! Back to the scroll-cart!

GET IN, GET IN, GET-

GULP!

Well,...

There 'e goes...

One spontaneously-generated rookie.

Lemme fill out another form again. Giddyup, Peggy.

What should I write under “Reason for dismissal” this time?

Hmm...

Aha!

“Could not follow directions...”

BURP!

That, Peggy, is the biggest burp I have ever heard a dragon make...

Poor rookie...