Despair: the complete absence or loss of hope

CHAPTER 1: TURN 12

"Are you there, God? It's me Deses.......the team has been acting up again. Leclerc is half dead; I can see it in his eyes, Fredrick is half insane rambling about some strategy and Matteo is following Fredrick like the blind leading the blind-"

A metallic whine emits from the garage door as it rises as pit crew and staff enter and prepare for the race in twenty minutes, Deses scrambles off his knees and grabs his mask wiping his sweaty palms on his racing suit and helmet, he greets Leclerc as everyone forms a semicircle around Fredrick Vasseur as he rambles about the strategy, tires, callouts, turns.

Deses zones out as the edge of his vision blurs and all the voices around him die to a murmur, his fingers twitch and die, he blinks and suddenly he's on the race track he panics not remembering the strategy, he looks around what turn is he? what sector is he? what position is he?, he makes a sharp turn on turn 12 rear ending Leclerc damaging Leclerc's engine and immobilizing them both as fuel leaks from a puncture in Leclerc's engine, Deses zones out again while Leclerc screams into his radio for a red flag his voice like static in Deses' ears as he begins to fade along with his vision.

CHAPTER 2: YOU HEAR ME?

"Deses, you understand that you ruined our chance of winning, you did perfectly fine in both practice and qualifying and now you rear-end your teammate? in the race, in the GOD DAMN RACE" Fredrick slams the table, knocking over a cup of pens as they roll, Deses' eyes twitch for a fraction of a second towards the rolling pens.

Deses and Leclerc sit side by side in Fredrick Vasseur's office, surrounded by pearly white marble and lined with Ferrari memorabilia, one is a Schumacher jersey, one is a photo of Vasseur in a pristine suit holding a trophy with the text barely readable "Best formula 1 team director" reminding Leclerc and Deses they sit In front of a prestigious man.

Leclerc stares dead center at Vasseur who is still running his mouth about the future of Ferrari and Deses, Deses turns slightly and looks at his dead, hopeless eyes like a fire extinguished long ago, Deses picks lint off his cotton trousers, as he silently fiddles with them, moving them between his fingers, he keeps eye contact with Vasseur, his eyes slowly drift past Vasseur's head and stares at a clock behind him, Vasseur's voice turns to static as Deses vision blurs.

CHAPTER 3: A PERIOD OF TIME LEADING TO AN EVENT

Deses and Charles are sent out by Fredrick Vasseur, "some guy, all those memorabilia and he treats us as if the drivers aren't the one doing his plans" Charles turns to Deses not breaking his stride, Deses remains, walking in silence and stares ahead with his very-very empty gaze, the gaze of a broken man, of a man, he stops abruptly and opens the door to the garage, Charles says goodbye but gets nothing in return from Deses.

Deses drives on the highway, he blankly stares a head, his eye subtlety twitches as a red car passes him, his fingers twitch for a fraction when he turns right and arrives at his house, he sits in a moment with his hands gripped tightly on the wheel before opening the door as it swings outwards, he steps out and walks along the cobblestone path leading to his door.

He reaches and lingers for a moment, reaching into his pocket he searches for his keys, the right pocket is completely empty, he checks his left pocket, his shirt, his back he pats everything and feels it in his right pocket, he fumbles it trying to fit it in the keyhole, he turns it left, wrong way, he turns it right as the door opens swinging inwards on its hinges, he crosses the threshold and takes off his coat and hanging it, his arms never bending completely.

He plops down on his couch as his rigid shoulders hit the fluffy pillow behind him, he looks at the turned off TV and at his monochrome reflection, he leans forward and grabs small fake plant pot, he inspects it, flipping and rotating it he brushes off a small piece of dirt from his hands, he looks at the Alexa on the coffee table next to his couch arm rest, he reaches for it and turns it on with a click, the blue LED lights up as it says in its female autonomous voice "Deses Poir, please remember that calendar date "Dutch grand prix" is on august 31st, which is in three days", he holds the Alexa with the speakers facing towards him as he blankly stares at the Alexa, he looks up thinking he's heard something but slowly returns to his seat and puts down the Alexa

CHAPTER 4: THE ACT OF DECEPTION IS A DISH BEST EATEN

Deses drives through the car park as he looks around searching for a car part, he passes by a yellow car in the only free spot in that lane, he turns the corner and gets cut off by a red car that takes his spot, he stares ahead not thinking about it, he trails behind a Mustang and finally finds a spot, his turn signals blink green and finally parks as he aligns himself with the yellow lines in the black parking spot, he steps out and checks his phone and reads a message from Charles to meet him at the third floor, he stares it before turning off his phone and making his way to the entrance.

Deses steps into the mall, incandescent lights shine above him and everywhere, emitting a faint yellow and orange hue, he walks forward but bumps into a man, older than 20 but younger than thirty and instantly recognizes Deses

"Deses Poir!, It's You!"

as his face lights up like a firework, he greets Deses, but Deses freezes, staring at the man, Deses continues staring as the fan takes out a phone and poses for a photo with Deses, he hands Deses a red soda can, claiming that it'll make the photo look better, Deses stares at the soda can with both hands and wipes off a small water drop from the top and adjusts it to be perfectly angled in his hands, the fan watches and asks if everything is right, Deses puts the can in the mans chest and drops it before the fan can hold it as it spills everywhere on the floor, as Deses steps onto the escalator as he slowly ascends to the third floor away from the fan

He walks around, his arms never leaving his side and never breaking his stride never breaking as he stops in front of a restaurant, "Carne di cavallo!" is hung in purple light with a Italian chef holding a plate of spaghetti in one hand and pinched figures in the other hand, shaking.

He enters and is hit with a wave of tomato scent and parmesan which doesn't affect him as he strides forward and finds Charles in a booth waiting for him, Charles gets up and shakes hands with him as they both sit.

"Look, we're both at our worst and extremely underperforming for Ferrari, I wont say that I'm better but i understand the strategy but something with you makes me think you don't understand, what's happening, i know you're a rookie and not all rookies get podiums, their first week, but you? out of the seven races you've had with us the highest youve reached was P7!" Charles said, his voice heavy with desperation and tiredness

Deses stares at Leclerc with his same dead gaze

"Answer me for gods sake, not for me but for you're job and future"

"I've been messed up in the head lately Leclerc, don't know why just been having periods of me....zoning out you would say, not only that but me and you know that Ferrari" he pauses trying to find the right words, "we both know its extremely prestigious and amazing for us to drive for Ferrari, but we know that its a pressure cooker, its killing us, maybe not you because you probably see something i don't"

Charles thinks, is Deses wrong in the head, is there something wrong with him medically? all these thoughts race in his head and bounce off each other like sparks from a saw, he sighs heavily and slumps back, a waiter comes with a fake smile on her face and holds a clipboard and pen, Charles orders two sodas as he pays in cash, and turns back to Deses as he begins to explain trying to get the strategy into Deses head as, the sodas arrive.

Charles nods in thanks and resumes talking, but his voice becomes like static to Deses, his fingers twitch as his vision blurs he stares at a stain on Charles jacket, its....asymmetrical face weirdly captivating to Deses, he looks at the soda, the condensation as the bubbles pop are the only thing audible to Deses, Charles finishes speaking and asks if Deses understood, Deses nods and stares at Charles

"thank you.....Leclerc, I'll pull myself together", a lie, directly to his teammate, and the only one making an effort to reach to him.

CHAPTER 5: COURSE DE ENTRAINEMENT

The roars of the crowd echo through the race track, Deses stands in the semi circle along with other Ferrari staff surrounding Fredrick, Charles occasionally glances at Deses, hoping that he'd follow the plan, Deses returns the gaze with the same intensity, his eyes quietly saying "I will follow", but deep down Deses knew this might be his last race, one mistake and Ferrari can finally cut the red noose around his neck.

Deses puts on his mask and does last minute reaction checks with a nearby engineer, his gloved hands on top the engineers, holding two balls, he drops one, Deses catches it, he drops again, Deses catches it, he drops again, Deses catches it, he drops both, Deses catches one and the other yet it slips out of his hand out of reach, the engineer sighs heavily and pats Deses on shoulder saying he'll do good on the race, Deses doesn't answer and stares at the ball like a prophecy.

Deses enters his car and lines up with Charles as they both drive to their starting positions, they watch the lights ahead of them

Red

Red

Red

Red

Red

They all simultaneously extinguish as the Dutch grand prix begins, dust drifts up, tires screech, engines whine, as all cars go neck and neck.

Deses approaches turn 12, he tenses and his vision suddenly cuts to pure black...

He wakes up with Leclerc in Fredrick's office, he looks around bewildered, the memorabilia line the walls, his chair feels elevated on the thick rug it stands on, his pupils slightly contract from the warm yellow light, he looks at Fredrick in his red polo shirt, Fredrick turns to him his eyes warm and approachable.

"Got to admit Poir.....you drove like an angel" Fredrick theatrically waves his hands "such grace, such smoothness, such.....beauty, not a week ago your highest position was P7 and suddenly you win P1?....god i am proud of you son" he pats Deses on the shoulder with a smile, Deses slightly tenses at Fredricks touch he stares at Fredrick, "Thank you Vasseur.....you know i wouldn't have won without your strategy", his eyes linger a little too long on Fredrick as his lip slightly twitches, he rubs his face and gets up with out a word not turning back.

CHAPTER 6: MAGIC DÉSESPOIR

"Are you there Gods? It's me......its race day and I don't know what to do, I lied to Leclerc's face even though he's the only one from this entire mess that cared for me, Fredric thinks I'm his son, i won once and every curse and swear he blatantly said to me in the past suddenly vanished, I-"

A metallic whine emitted from the rising garage door as sunlight bled in and staff filled in, engineers made last minute adjustments, staff were checking equipment and adjusting it to their liking and in the center of it all Deses stared ahead of him, he could already taste and feel the G's like battery acid in the back of his throat as a metallic taste filled the air seemingly only Deses could taste, like the faint smell of blood and burnt metal.

The team began their ritual of forming a semi circle around Fredric like a flock of sheep following a shepherd, like the blind being led by the able but in Deses mind it was the blind being led by the blind, his vision subtly blurs as he takes a step forward, slings on his mask as it's familiar cotton feel sticks to his skin and puts on his helmet, its heavy weight familiar on his head and neck, as he boldly steps into the cockpit, he stares ahead aimlessly lost in thought of the various outcomes of this match, but his session is shattered when a engineer calls his name and tells him to drive like magic Senna, just like how he did in the qualifying race, Deses turns and blinks at the man and nods thoughtfully, but the only thought going in his head was the fatal crash of Ayrton senna, could that be him today?

He and Leclerc drove forward to their pole positions, Leclerc in P3 and Deses in P1, they watch the lights above their head like star gazing or a countdown, red, red, red, red, red, they hold for a second and fade like the life leaving it as Deses slams the throttle surging his car forward, he maintains a steady pace, fiercely defending his position, too fierce.

he turns a corner and forgets to defend, he stares at the McLaren that had just passed him, how the hell did it pass him? he was doing so well, he blinked and looked forward, meeting a wall he didn't see, as he crashes and spirals out of control, his vision swims and then becomes black...

CHAPTER 7: SCUDERIA FAILURE

"Deses was a troubled individual, but that didn't make him worse, if anything he was one of the best drivers I've ever seen from Scuderia Ferrari, yes he didn't have the best start but that doesn't matter, what matters is that we remember him, not by his image, but by his actions, how he showed us even in tough times we can still prevail", Leclerc stepped off the podium after finishing his eulogy, his eyes even heavier than before, as he looks at the public crowd, his eyes water ever so slightly as he steps backstage.