4 words

Ben laid on the couch under a quilt, staring at the ceiling at 4 in the morning. Molly, his wife, slept on the king-size bed in the bedroom. It had been long since he had her by his side. He yearned to sleep beside her, to have her head against his chest, to have his arm over her and to hear her snoring, but he was not deserving of all that. He did not deserve her. Not after what he did. She had been a loyal wife for the whole 3 years they were happily married, but not him. He had cheated on her and she didn’t even know it.   

The ceiling became blurry as his eyes moistened with tears. His life was perfect, and he had ruined 3 years of marriage with 3 minutes.   

Three months ago, when he was at their door of their house after his unplanned episode of cheating, he opened the door of the house and saw his wife in front of the stove cooking, her back towards him. He opened his mouth to say something, but his unfaithfulness had sucked all energy out of him to speak. She turned to place the saucepan on the counter and saw him and stopped. Her lips curved into a brightening smile. “Hi Benny. You’re early from work today. How was your day?”   

His eyes were sunken in. His face, gloomy.

“Are you okay, Benny?” she said. His mouth opened again to speak, but all that came out was an inaudible mumble.   

Her eyes widened with concern, concern he didn’t deserve. He lowered his head to the ground shamefully unable to look at her and could see her comforting hands coming to him from his peripheral vision. He returns his gaze to her and grabbed her hands. Her loving eyes stared into his gloomy eyes. Eyes that wished to know what had happened.  

All it took was four words to turn those loving eyes to detesting eyes. All he had to say was, I cheated on you, and anger would grow from inside her. 

“I…I….” he stuttered. The four words that he wished to come out wouldn’t leave, instead four other words came out, unplanned. “I want a divorce.”  

He couldn’t bear to stay in a marriage keeping such a secret. 

The words hurt to say, and he could see the words hurt to hear. Her eyes showed confusion and disbelief. He let go of her arms and she put them down.   

“Why? We’re happy.” She said.   

‘If you knew what I did, you would want to divorce me too', he thought. She stared at him, waiting for his response.  

“I’ll sleep on the couch  till we go to court.” he said, not answering her question. 

Ben was back, staring at the ceiling at 4 in the morning. Water was running from the kitchen tap. The sound of water smashing onto the metal sink diverted his attention.   

He lifted his head from the pillow on the couch and saw Molly filling up a glass of water and taking it to her lips. The water disappeared into her mouth and lowered the cup. She jumped a little when she saw her husband’s gloomy eyes stare at her.  

She refilled the glass and walked around the bench and sat on the nearby couch. She placed the glass on the coffee table in front of him. “Thirsty.” She said.  

He swung his legs off the couch and stared at the glass. ‘Oh, if she only knew', he thought. His wife was showering him with undeserving love ever since he had said the 4 unplanned words, trying to change his mind and make him realise he was making a big mistake. But would she think the same if he told her the truth? That he had betrayed her. He nodded his head as he took the glass to his lips.  

“There is one month left until we go to court for our divorce. I know you don’t want a divorce. You’re not thinking straight.” She said.  

He placed the cup back on the table. The image of him cheating on her with his co-worker came to his mind. He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. 'You wouldn't want to be with me either', he thought. He laid down on the couch and covered himself with his blanket.   

“I won’t divorce you!” she said, raising her voice. “I know you still want to be with me, I see it in your eyes.” 

But he did not budge, nor did he give her a response. Her hand touched his shoulder. In an instant, he rolled over.  

Her footsteps went for the bedroom, followed by the slam of a door. He slipped off the blanket and silently walked to the bedroom. He held his breath as he placed his ear on the door. She was sobbing. His head hung. He sighed heavily. The sobbing suddenly stopped. He could hear her footsteps coming for the door and turned around, making his way for the couch, but before he left the hall, the door opened.   

He froze and turned back to the door. Her cheeks were wet with tears and her eyes reddened. His eyebrows lowered looking at her. He walked to the door. 

She wiped away her tears and frowned. “Have you changed your mind?” 

He shook his head. 

She bared her teeth. “I haven’t wronged you!” She attempted to slam the door, but he obstructed it with his hand. 

“It’s not that you’ve wronged me.” He said. “It’s that I have wronged you. “  

“But you haven’t. You have always been a good husband.” 

His heart felt heavy hearing the false compliment.   

“Don’t think so well of me. I have done something terrible. “  

“What, what did you do? What could you have possibly done that would make you want to divorce? 

“I cheated on you”    

He closed his eyes, breathing out a breath of air. It was no longer a secret. It had weighed him down for 3 months. Finally, the weight had been lifted. Lifted and transferred to Molly. He opened his eyes. She was frozen. Her jaw dropped, her eyes, disbelieving. She stood there for a long time. The silence was overwhelming. He didn’t dare speak. Didn’t know if he should speak. 

She looked at him coldly before closing the door. He walked back to the couch and fell on the couch on his back. ‘Would it have been better if she didn’t know?’ He thought as he dozed off to sleep.   

Ben was awake at 7:30am, He was in his work clothes. He had already showered and eaten breakfast.   

The kettle whistled on the stove. He placed a tea-bag in a mug and two teaspoons of sugar and pour in the water, stirring it. Just the way his wife like it.  

He heard the 7:30 alarm in the bedroom going off. It went silent after a few seconds. He walked to the bedroom and knocked on the door, holding the mug in the other hand. He waited a few moments before slowly opening the door.  

She lied on the bed like a corpse. Her eyes were opened, staring at the alarm, and the opening of the door diverted her attention to him.   

“I made you a cup of tea.” He said, almost whispering.   

He placed the cup on the bedside table and sat on the floor just by the bed, looking at her. “I’m sorry, I’m an unfaithful husband. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I’m sorry.“  

She stretched out her hand, picking up the mug. And sat up on the bed. She took a sip, then looked at Ben. “Do you still want a divorce?” 

“Only if you want to. But you were right, I don’t want to lose you. I messed up.” He said.  

She stood up, walked past him, through the door and to the living room. There was a plate of stacked pancakes drizzled with maple syrup sitting on the coffee table. She turned her head to the hall where her husband was. “You made me pancakes.” She said. He nodded. 

She made her way to the couch. He sat on the other couch. She cut a piece with her fork and brought it to her mouth. Her face cringed as she chewed. She grabbed a tissue and spat it out. “You’re still a terrible cook.” She placed the tissue on the plate and pushed it away.  

The digital clock hanging on the wall read 7:39. “Aren’t you going to be late for work?” She said. 

“Yeah.” He said looking at the clock. 

“Go” she ordered, bobbing her head to the door.  

He did as he was told and she followed him to the door.   

He opened the door and she waited by the door as he tied on his shoes. He stood up. They faced each other awkwardly. 

Ben looked toward the  car door, then at her and back. He looked down at his fidgeting fingers. “So what happens now.” He said looking back up.  

“I don’t know, one thing I know. We need help and when we get help, I guess we will find out.”   

And she closed the door.