Top Ten Things to Try Before I Toss Off

1.     Have Fun

Terminal cancer is probably the definition of not fun. So the first thing I have to try before I die is to have as much fun as possible. For me, that looks like doing all the things I held myself back from doing before, out of fear, out of embarrassment. Because now, what the hell do I have to lose?

I’ve never played Twister before. Never with my cousins or classmates. Never with my friends. Never with boys…one boy in particular. I always looked exciting on TV. Sure, it’s a game for little kids, but I don’t care.

I’ve never been to a party my family wasn’t hosting. Or gone on a road trip with friends. Or danced… well anywhere. Or done a million other things that sound like fun looking back on it.

2.     Pet a Wolf

Wolves are one of my top favorite animals (right behind dragons, but seeing one of those might be a tall order, even for the Make a Wish people of someone like them). I especially like gray wolves and arctic wolves. They’re beautiful creatures, tough, powerful, but also family oriented. And they’re smart. Like dogs, only cooler.

I’d love to see a wolf in the wild, running with a pack, cold, crisp wind making their fur shiver. But barring that, meeting one in a sanctuary, actually getting to touch one, would be awesome. I’ve read about the waivers they make you sign, warning about how they might nose shiny possessions right out of your pockets, which is hilarious, and requiring you to be able to withstand one hundred pounds jumping on you at any moment. My reaction: promise?

Should probably cross this one off sooner rather than later, while I still can hold a hundred pounds of muscle and cuteness.

3.     Learn to Surf

I’ll say it straight up. I am scared of sharks. Most fish really. I just don’t want them anywhere near me. Ever since being dragged onto a boogie board at four years old, swallowing a gallon of salt water, and later hearing that a (admittedly tiny baby) shark nibbled on my mom’s toes, I’ve been less than interested in going in the ocean. Sure, it is mega fascinating and there are a lot of cool, non-Jaws reminiscent animals living beneath the waves. Hell, I even enjoy Shark Week. But that doesn’t mean I’d want to meet the stars.

And yet, surfing has always seemed like the height of an awesome sport to me. The combination of strength and athleticism with popular culture is more than appealing. In my quest to not let fear get in the way, surfing has got to be worth it.

I doubt I’ll be very good, but that’s not really the point. It is something I’ve always dreamed of trying, if only sharks didn’t exist. But the odds of actually being attacked are pretty low, depending on where I’d go. And really, can my luck get any worse at this point?

4.     Travel to Italy

This one would have been on the list even if I wasn’t dying. My mom is Italian and has family that lives over there. It is where her grandparents met and got married. I’ve never met our relatives from Italy and my mom hasn’t seen them in a long time. It would be nice to see them, expand my family a little further, while I still have time to do so.

Italian culture has always been beautiful to me. I love the romanticism, the language, the music, the land itself, and especially the food.

Cooking is the main way my mom and I express our Italian-ness. I am spoiled by homemade Sicilian tomato sauce, can’t order spaghetti anywhere because it just isn’t as good. And you haven’t lived until you’ve tasted an authentic cannoli. If it is the last thing I eat, I’ll die happy. Well, probably not, but you know what I mean.

I do feel a little bad about spreading my sad story to a whole new slew of aunts, uncles, and cousins, and I am sure there will be dozens, knowing my Italian family living in the States. Visiting just to gain the experience while I still can casts a slight morbid hue on the whole trip. It will be a blast, I’m sure. But hard too.

5.     Learn to Ballroom Dance

I am not an avid Dancing with the Stars fan, but I’ve seen a few clips. And when you are stuck sitting in a waiting room, or chemo chair, or your room, for hours at a time, suddenly the more tolerable reality TV shows become even more, well, tolerable. I’ve taken to catching the highlights from a lot of the performative shows, and the acrobats and dancers are definitely the most fun to watch.

I am not a dancer. I wish I was. I used to tell myself and anyone else that I didn’t really like to dance because I had the coordination of clumsy toddler with little to no control of her limbs. But that’s a lie. I love dancing. The flowing lines, the chemistry, the artistry draw me to every masterful performance, captivating and inspiring me. Of their own accord, my feet and legs begin to step and bend. But I really do suck. So as much as I wish I could dance, I’ve avoided it to avoid looking like an idiot.

Not anymore. Ballroom dancing above the other forms had always interested me the most. The forced intimacy is interesting and the movements beautiful. Even if I am not good at it, which I assume I won’t be, I want to try to be good at it. I’ve never truly tried to excel at dancing, blowing it off as soon as I felt silly. But like I said before, that is no longer something I will let hold me back.

6.     Have Sex

Fine. I am twenty-three, and I’ve never had sex. Never even got to second base. I’ve never done a lot of things actually. It is sobering to look back and realize everything I let myself miss out of for one reason or another, maybe because I figured things would be different when I was older. Well, I’m not going to get older. And of the many things I’ve put off doing, doing it is of course one of them.

I didn’t wait because I was saving myself for marriage (not sure I even wanted to get married, had I the choice), or because it was against my religion (atheist), or because I was just waiting for the right guy (I’m barely social enough to have friends, let alone boyfriends, with any consistency). I just wasn’t ready. I was busy, inexperienced, socially awkward, regular awkward, and a little afraid of physical intimacy. And suddenly, I was in my twenties and still a virgin. This didn’t bother me too much. Maybe I wasn’t normal, but I’d kind of figured that out long before. Only when I was told my life was ending did I realize I actually wanted to partake in a key life experience.

I want to know what it feels like, physically and emotionally, to be with someone in that way. However, as much as I am trying to live without fear or inhibition, I’m not really prepared to bone any random guy willing. I kind of have an old flame in mind, the only guy I am pretty sure I’ve ever loved and would be the most comfortable with. I have a suspicion he’d be willing too, if our occasional conversations are any indication, though the cancer thing might make it a little weird. I guess we’ll see where that one goes.

7.     Sell a novel

In case it wasn’t kind of obvious in the fact I am writing this, I am an author. I’ve loved stories, words, writing since I was in elementary school. Once upon a time, I hated reading, a symptom of ADHD and my inability to sit still and focus long enough to actually get into a book and appreciate it. Then I picked up Harry Potter and my world shifted on its axis. I read every story I could about magic and adventure. From that point on, I was a reading and writing person and I lived inside stories.

This isn’t my best work (sorry about that). My best work is fiction, fantasy in which I can escape, in which anything can happen. But I find writing in this style a little freeing as well. Here I can be myself, even more than through my more unrealistic characters.

My goal has been to become a best selling author since high school. The pressure is just a little hotter now that I have the mother of all deadlines. Yet, I’ve never been more motivated to ignore my tendency for procrastination than when working toward a deadline. It’s hard and my work suffers sometimes, but at least I get words on the page this way. I can only hope the writing is still good enough that people will want to read it.

I don’t want to leave this world without leaving my mark on it. More than money, expression, making a living doing something I love, I write to be remembered. To have something that will live beyond me, no matter how soon it is called upon to do so. That and to prove to all the naysayers in high school that I didn’t become a drunk buried in failed manuscripts. Suck it, Rebecca.

8.     Sing on Stage

I’ve sung on stage before. In choir. In talent shows. In church (like many atheists, I was raised a cradle catholic). Even in college, final performances for a few music courses. But I’ve never really felt like that was being on stage the same way that it is for rock stars. There were no megawatt spotlights, blaring music, or screaming fans. That was the first thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up. It stuck well into high school, and while I eventually changed my focus toward the so much more sustainable career of novelist, music will always be my first love.

I always envisioned Madison Square Garden, backed by my band, doing the one thing I am passionate about above all else. There’d be autographs, crowd surfing, and thousands of voices coming together as they sing along to their favorites. Even if I had fifty more years, I am pretty sure that was never going to happen. At this point, I’d settle for any stage, any musicians, so long as the music was mine. Just to get a glimpse of the possibilities only performing on stage can offer, to get a taste of that rush. Much like selling a book, this is in part to leave a lasting memory. But even more, the feeling in the moment is something I’ve been chasing since early childhood. Just once, I want to feel what I always imagined.

9.     Make a Difference

I’ve lived a pretty narrow life. Never strayed far from my family, never had many friends. I didn’t often do things just to do them, or because they’d help someone else instead of me. Maybe I’m a little selfish. I don’t know. I’ve done service projects through school and Sunday school years ago. But those were pretty surface level and impersonal. Canned food drives, volunteering at animal shelters, planting trees. Sure, they helped someone or something somewhere and it felt good to do so. But I really can’t say it felt like I was making a difference. What is one drop of water in a sea of tears?

Melodramatic? Maybe. And maybe still narcissistic too. But I want to know I made a real, impactful difference, even in the life of one person. I have no idea how I’d do that, only that I want to. I want to leave this world with the knowledge that I changed it for the better, in a big way or a small way. But something quantifiable. This is a somewhat intangible one and I have no idea if I can seriously make a difference at all, let alone on a time crunch. But I still want to. Teach music to orphans maybe, or adopt a dog in need, or save a life. That last one might be a touch ambitious, but that is the kind of mark I want to leave as well.

10. To Live

This last one is kind of obvious. Despite the pain and moments of misery that have punctuated my life recently, and the sort of meh that it was before, I still don’t want to die. Death is scary and final. I don’t believe there is anything to look forward to after, but a tiny part of me hopes that I’m wrong because if I am, then at least I’ll get to see my sister again. And my grandpa. And cousin. And childhood pets. And Freddie Mercury. And Alan Rickman… the list does go on. But when I force myself to think about it, even that small, hopeful part of myself seems foolish. Deep down, I know there is nothing. And even if what I have here isn’t much more than nothing, that’s kind of the point. I don’t just want to survive. I want to live. I want to somehow stop squandering my life, merely a passenger watching it happen around me through a window. Too late I realized everything I want from life, so much more than will fit in one Top Ten list. And it pissed me off that only staring my own mortality in the face was the kick in the pants I needed to figure that out. But out of all the impossible things I’ve listed, I know this one is truly out of my reach.