Goodbyes just weren’t meant for him

C/W: Alcoholism, suicide, mental health

Archer was at a breaking point. He wanted nothing more than to escape the pathetic nature of his life. Within the past year, he had lost practically everything. His girlfriend dumped him for exams and completely ignored him from then on. His grand-fathers passed within a month of each other (his paternal grand-father just a week before his birthday), his grandmother a couple months later due to Covid. Friends had abandoned him over a rumour not even bothering to confront him about it. And a couple months later his mother died due to stage 4 leukaemia that the doctors only discovered a month before. Both his father and he were deeply affected by all the death. Archer saw how badly his dad was affected; he turned to alcoholism to find an escape from the depression. Soon after his mother’s death, his dad married a junkie claiming that she was the love of his love and Archer was now to call her his mother. It disgusted him. Outraged him! How could John even think about doing that?! Archer didn’t even call him dad anymore, because this was the ultimate betrayal. Family was meant to support and help each other through tough times, yet John just put him through even more shit.

The first time he tried to commit suicide, Archer was hit by a car and rushed to hospital where they were able to revive him. John rushed to the hospital that night and vowed to change. He didn’t want to lose the only family he had left either and so that night he took back control of his life. That following week when Archer was able to return home, John had gotten rid of all the alcohol in the house, got rid of the drugs and sent Helena, his stepmother, to rehab. For the first time in a year, Archer felt hope. His family was slowly beginning to heal. Helena came back from rehab and Archer may have even started to accept her as a maternal figure (definitely not his mother ever, but someone he could trust). And just like that, it all came crashing down. His dad relapsed at a work party and came home absolutely smashed. Archer should have noticed, but he didn’t. The hope that their family was healing blinded the signs and because he didn’t notice it fell apart too. On the night of his mother’s birthday, his father died due to substance abuse and drugs. Helena relapsed as well, and Archer was all alone once again.

The second time he tried to commit suicide, he went to the medicine cabinet to get his prescription from when he was in the hospital. Except he found them all gone. He searched the whole cabinet exhaustively before he found out that his stepmother had used them all. She was lying in a puddle of her own vomit when he entered the bathroom, skin colder than the tile floor. He was panicking, he could barely find a pulse! So, he called the paramedics and waited next to her and the pile of their vomit. Helena was rushed to the hospital. While sitting in that daunting waiting room, he made friends with a girl only a couple of months younger than him. Well, it wasn’t accurate to say that he made friends; she blabbed non-stop while he sat uncomfortably on the chair with his hood up hugging his knees to his chest. That night he left the hospital with no family. He went home numb, cleaned up the vomit and stared at the ceiling all night thinking about his pathetic life. He only bought death to everyone that was ever in his life. He didn’t want that anymore. He just wanted to be happy, live a normal life like the other kids at his school. Thankfully since he was 18, social services couldn’t take him away and he could stay in the house his parents had owned. School carried on like normal and he stayed invisible under his hood. The teachers didn’t bother him because they knew about his situation and also, he was neither a genius or terrible at education, so the teachers didn’t need to or want to focus on him anyways.

The third time he tried to commit suicide, he wanted to feel the pain. He was so sure he didn’t deserve happiness or an easy and quick death. So, he was going to drown. He filled up his bath with warm water to make it easier to stay under and he went under. At least for 2 minutes anyways. The moment he gulped in the water his body acted on impulse and pushed out of the bathtub onto the floor, coughing up the water, gasping for oxygen. He developed a fear for water that evening. He couldn’t even drink it, only drinking milk, energy drinks and smoothies. Anything that wasn’t clear. The pain he felt that evening was deserved. He deserved it, deserved it for all the death he had caused. His grandfathers could have been saved if he just allowed his family to move in with them for a few months. His grandmother would have been alive, he would’ve been able to help her, he should have helped her. Gotten her groceries, talked with her, helped her through the death of her husband but he did nothing. He was selfish and didn’t move just because he wanted to stay with his friends. Some friends they turned out to be. He deserved to be punished because he chose friends over family.

The fourth time he tried to commit, he had done his research. This time he would take sleeping pills half an hour before the bath so that his body wouldn’t pull him out. He would do it Friday night so that no one would interrupt him. Thursday rolled by and he went to the pharmacy to make sure they had sleeping pills. They didn’t but the pharmacist said that they would get a fresh batch Friday morning, so it was all good. His plan could still carry on. Friday morning, his house was clean, the dishes done, and all put away, the fridge empty and any extra food donated to the homeless shelter.  At 7pm on Friday Archer walked to the pharmacy and bought a pack of sleeping pills. Surprisingly the cashier was the girl he had met at the hospital. Unsurprisingly, however she talked his ears off within the minute he bought the pills. By 7:30pm he was home and ready for the deed. He had popped 2 pills on the walk home and was starting to feel the effects. Stripping down, he popped another 2 pills and stepped into bath ready for his fate. He slipped into sleep subconsciously ignoring the bell downstairs. He was finally going to die.

Archer woke up to a beep and bright white light above him. Had he done it? Had he successfully said goodbye to his life? No. How had he failed again! His plan was PERFECT! His body certainly didn’t pull him away, couldn’t have. Painfully craning his head to the side, he took in the sight of pharmacy girl sleeping awkwardly on a chair. Did she- did she save him? How could she have saved him? She didn’t know where he lived, what the fuck?

The girl abruptly awoke to Archer’s hoarse groan and rushed to his side.

“Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay I promise. I’m Mia, I found you in your bathroom nearly drowning.”

“Are you a stalker or something what the fuck?”

“No, I mean yes but not in the way you’re thinking. I saw you take 2 pills on your way out of the pharmacy, and I don’t know something just didn’t feel right, so I followed you home and saw you in your bathroom. I rung the bell for about 5 minutes, but you didn’t answer, and I got a sick feeling in my stomach, so I called the paramedics and broke your window to get you out of the bath.”

Great. Archer had failed once again albeit by unforeseen circumstances, but he had still failed. Would he never be able to escape this life? He even made his attempts painful to make up for the death he had caused. What more could the universe want from him? Mia blabbed on as usual, but Archer didn’t care. He was severely depressed and deeply hurt. His attempt at taking his life failed for the fourth time. He was a failure, always was and always will be. Would his goodbyes always get interrupted?

“How many times have you tried to commit, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“4 times.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe it’s not your time to leave this world? Not just yet at least anyways?”

His extremely tired and blank face was enough to make Mia want to take care of him.

“Archer I can show you that you’re not meant to say goodbye yet. Please let me show you. I promise I can help you if you just let me.”

Hearing those words meant so much to Archer. He had never heard them, no one had ever said that to him. Those who wanted to help him were all gone. So, you know what, what the hell if he tries. What the hell if he lets Mia help him?? Because maybe, maybe goodbyes just weren’t meant for him, not yet anyways.