[Content, Warning sensitive subject:]
Caution, Trigger Warning: May provoke thoughts or memories for those experiencing trauma.
Hammering and hammering goes the beat. It rocks me back and forth. My head pounds in my ears, like the bass of bongo drums. "I want to control this sensation," I tell myself. "I want to end the thrill I get cause I know the endgame. Still I pull the trigger." Still I am the one that hammers the nails in place. However long I yearn to stop, it never ceases with me. I can't find it in me to pull the plug. To hold back, for I know the pain inside is only increased by the agony of the flesh. I cry, believing the pain I feel is what will only allow me peace of mind.
Then, in the shadow of my mind, in the darkest spot, there is a light. And in that light is a shroud of care, a care that will nurture the darkest of spots. It is the care that will bring about a happiness I can't find in myself. I yearn to touch it, but afraid it will burn me. So I sit alone and feel the urges traveling up my spine. Trying to consume me, but I ignore it. I close my eyes to the urges and I tried to make them disburse from me, but can't. I try to cut them off from me, but I can't. I can't do it.
Not alone. Not by myself. Then I remember. I'm not alone. Then I remember that white speck of light. That spot that isn't consumed by the darkness. I opened my eyes to find it there and waited. Waited to be nurtured and to be told it's okay. That enough is enough. And that I don't have to be alone.
I reach out my hand and a hand reaches back out to me. We touch and I feel for the first time. Peace of mind. As the shadows and darkness withdraw. And I'm allowed to feel okay not feeling okay. And I'm allowed to be okay with feeling a calmness that is soothing. I'm allowed to feel at ease knowing that all is well. I'm okay just being okay. I don't have to be happy completely, and I don't have to be angry at myself for something not really worth being angry over. I can just be.. me.
I can feel okay just feeling. And for the first time that blackened sky becomes blue. The darkness surrounding me backs down and a sunset can be seen before me. And there, standing there, is someone with open arms telling me it's okay. And that I'm not alone someone standing there telling me. I won't have to fight this alone anymore. And I run to the figure and hug them back. And I feel a hand run through my hair and a voice telling me I'm safe. I'm safe from myself and I'm safe from anything outside of myself as well.
That is when I knew I was home. That's when I began to break the cycle. The cycle of a never breaking feeling of unwantedness. A cycle of pain. A loop of consent betrayal. A loop that led many to their demise. I would be free from that whenever I needed him there. He tells me that I'll still need to work to stop the darkness from spreading. That I'll have to stand strong even when I can feel it creeping up my legs to my waist. Even when I feel suffocated he will never let me down.
He will be there and he will answer my prayer when it becomes overbearing. He will shine a light that will push back the darkness that consumes me that day. He will walk a path of light and I will follow in suit. He will hold my hand and wait for me even when I'm lost and drowned by the incoming waves of shadows. He will help me up when I trip and stumble. All it takes is the courage to want that. All it takes is a seeking heart to want to be free from that painful cycle. A cycle that will consume and destroy rather than build and create. I implore anyone seeking that warmth and comfort in themselves. It's not enough to want it.
It is not enough to say you will do it and when it gets too hard you turn the other way. You have to be consistent and you have to be strong. Usually when we feel betrayed by someone it's because we have an expectation from them, but not only from them, it is because we also have an expectation of ourselves. We put ourselves in a position to want someone else to fix it, but when they can not we are the only one we see who is to blame for it. To break a cycle it does not just require that you desire to break it and that you put in effort. It's also a desire that you will not give up. Because no matter how slow the progress you may be, there is always a little speck that puts a crack in even the vastest of darkness. As long as you have this light inside you, no matter how small, it will always guide you. Instead of wanting to control this sensation, try to understand it and experience it for what it is rather than force it away and let it rot. For only then will you be able to feel at true peace once you acknowledge it for what it is.
Only then will the hammering of the bongos subside in your ears. Only then will the burden on your heart be light. For only you and that light can make things right. Embrace the light that shines inside no matter how small or insignificant it may appear to others. For that light belongs to you and you alone.