Just say it, YouSilently reminded yourself. You knew you'd regret it if you didn't. As I look around at the sea of faces looking at me I have to remind myself why I am here. I desperately want to tell them that the hardest part of grief is the guilt that no one and I mean no one talks about. I second guess myself again and then like listening to someone else someone other than me I hear myself say " Let's talk about the guilt. What if all the decisions I made when he was sick and in the hospital, What if I chose wrong for him? What if after talking to all the Doctors and the Nurses and reading everything I could find about the illness, What if I chose wrong? The silence is deafening nobody is saying anything they are just staring at me silent as the day is long. In my mind, I am once again telling myself I should not have said that. I should have sat here silently and listened to the other's like I always do and not let myself talk me into asking about the guilt. I am the only person who feels guilty? why am I here? Slowly I rise out of my chair and I gather Myself and head out the door. I walk past the table laden with pastries and snacks, past the urn of horrible coffee, and the water pitcher of room temperature water. I walk out the door and again ask Myself Why? Why must I ask such silly questions? Why must I open up and let Myself out? Why do I show people who I am and that I second guess Myself and that I try really hard to be Somebody, Anybody other than Myself? I am Nobody and Nobody doesn't get noticed, Nobody is seen or heard as I keep to Myself. And most day's I love Myself but today, Well today I am upset with Myself. I opened the door and I let Myself out and Nobody said a word.
I head down the sidewalk going anywhere and nowhere all at once. I see a quaint little diner and I think to Myself that I would really like some Hot Tea and maybe some Pie if it is fresh. As I enter the diner I am met by an elderly woman who reminds me of my Granny and of my childhood when Myself and I were Happy and Innocent and had the whole world ahead of us. My Granny was a Little Indian woman and to Me and Myself She was our world.
I am seated in a booth that is clean and I tell Myself how clean and old but well taken care of the diner is. It was like I was whisked back in time to a time when I felt no guilt, no worry just love.
Ruth Brings me a glass of ice water and asked me if I know what I would like. " Do you have Pie? Is it fresh?" I ask. She smiles and says's " Yes dear, Made today it was. We have Apple, Cherry, or Blackberry. " I order a Hot cup of tea and a slice of Cherry pie for Myself. Cherry has always been My favorite, Although I have never found a pie I would not eat. Once my tea and my pie are brought to me I slowly take a bite and I smile it is fresh and it is the best pie I have had since My Granny died. I can't help but thank Myself for deciding to stop here and to have pie and hot tea. I am relaxed and happy and I am content with Myself if only for a minute. I allow Myself to remember all the happy days at Granny's with my cousins and all the big family dinners with my Aunt's and Uncles. I remember the smell of the country, the fresh air, the smell after the rain how clean and earthy it smelled. I remind myself of all the lessons we learned and all the things that we got to do. We ran barefoot everywhere and swam in the natural spring and spent time with the horses and the pigs and we were kids just kids.
I always pressure Myself to live in the now and I caution Myself about what I should and should not say all the time. But alas, some time's I don't listen to Myself and I say what I think and what I feel and then I live with it. I get Myself into trouble someday's and someday's I let myself have fun. Somedays I sit by Myself and I cry about silly things and sometimes I make myself do things I don't want to do.
My Tea is gone and my pie is gone and it is time for me to gather myself and pay my tab and be on my way home. I pay Ruth and give her a nice tip and I let Myself ask if I could give her a hug. And the next thing I know I am being embraced in a bear hug and it feels nice and safe just like my granny. As for me, I Myself am happy.
I slowly walk home and I notice the stars in the sky and the way the air smells of cars and cooking and life. For the first time in a long time, I am not in a hurry, I do not rush Myself, I take my time and let myself enjoy everything around me. I promise Myself in this moment of clarity to hold on to it, to keep it with me, and to not let myself get rushed or hurried into things. I promise Myself that I will take a breath and enjoy life more.
Maybe I will get Myself a hobby or buy Myself some new books or take Myself to a movie? Maybe I will just let life lead me where I should go and see where I find myself.
I will go to the grief group meeting next week and I will let Myself do what it wants. I can either talk again or sit by Myself and listen to what others say. Either way, I will be happy with Myself because I know that not only do I speak for Myself, I also listen to Myself.
I understand now that I Myself I am still grieving, Grieving all the days that I pushed Myself, Ignored Myself, criticized Myself, and lied to Myself about how I felt. I had forgotten how important it was to have fun and be silly and spontaneous and just enjoy life by Myself. I didn't need anybody to make me happy or to take care of me, because I had Myself and Myself loved me.